October 2011 Moms

surrogacy - something on my mind.

I just finished reading the UO thread, so I have IF on my mind.  Also, DH and I are meeting with a couple for dinner tonight who have been struggling with IF since they got married at 23 almost 5 years ago, so it was already on my mind.

I brought up to my DH about a year ago that I would like to be a surrogate for this couple if all works out.  We are now pregnant with our first child, and I would like a second, before I would even broach the subject with them.  I would not want to get their hopes up if something were to not work out, and therefore, we will wait until we are ready to go before approaching them.

DH is 99% on board with this.  The 1% that holds him back is that he is concerned for me, that I would not be able to carry a child for 9 months and then give it away.  I know that this would be difficult and I think I could do it, but only for precious few people (my sister or brother, if needed, and this couple).  The two guys have been friends for 25 years and we girls have been friends for 14.  None are as close as we used to be, but still, those are some pretty long friendships.

I have tried to look into surrogacy laws and such, just looking online, but there is very little information.  The best I got is that in NJ, the gestational mother has the rights.  The child would have to be adopted by the other set of parents, even if the child was biologically theirs.  Obviously, in time, I'm sure lawyers and such would have to be consulted to make sure everything went as smoothly as possible.

This is just something that was on my mind.  I guess I don't have any real questions, perse, but maybe someone has some opinions or things for me to think about.  If you struggled with IF, how would you have felt if a friend or family member approached you with this offer?

Disclaimer:  I'm not looking for any sort of flames here.  Constructive criticism is one thing but I'm thinking in the best interest of my friends and don't want this to become a drama filled post . . .

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Re: surrogacy - something on my mind.

  • I commend you if you are able to do it.  I know that the instant that I found out I was pregnant with this one, I had a bond that could never be broken - I cannot imagine carrying a child and having to give it up in the end.  As someone who struggled with the ability to get pregnant, this gift would be absolutely amazing.
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  • I think acting as a gestational carrier for your friends would be a beautiful gift if that is the route they are going. What is their diagnosis? Do you know that they are in need of a GC?. Or would they need a true surrogate (you provide the eggs)? Either way, I wouldn't offer it up unless they have mentioned it to you. And I also wouldn't offer it up until you've talked it over with a counselor. I also know that usually a GC should be done making her own family and has had to have a successful pregnancy.
    Beautiful Miracle Baby lost at 21 weeks due to pre-term labor and incompetent cervix. FET#1 BFN, FET#2 BFP, early loss. FET#3 BFN. IVF#2 BFFN. FET #4 BFP after removing bilateral hydrosalpinx and 3 months of lupron depot. Sticky Bun is here!! Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • I think its wonderful you would consider this.  I have thought about it myself, and actually brought it up to my husband when we were engaged. Thankfully all of my sisters and close friends have been able to conceive. I hope someone with real insight is able to help you with the particulars... I just wanted to offer a pat on the back :)
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  • My BIL's long time GF offered to if we continued to have problems. I was very moved but I was glad I never had to go this route.  She's younger than I by quite a few years and has never had her own babies so I did not want her first pregnancy to be for someone else.  Also I was always holding out hope things would change.  

    Having said that the circumstances here are different.  I think It is kind of you to want to do this for them.  Have they ever mentioned looking for surrogates?  If not you may want to wait until then.

    Successful after 2 years tttc. Diagnosed with PCOS and Endometriosis. Bravado Bras at Nurtured Family BabyName Ticker
  • If I had been approached with this offer, I would have been deeply touched.  However, my uterus was not the problem.  Surrogacy would not have resolved my fertility issues.  Actually, having a physical issue with actually carrying a child is not as common an IF cause as you might think.  Some women have uterus problems and others have problems with their cervix, but most couples dealing with IF have other causes for their struggles.

    If someone had offered to surrogate for me, I would have thanked them genuinely and told them that I didn't need an oven - mine was ok - it was making a good bun we were having trouble with. 

    If you know that they are having issues where a surrogate is the answer, that's different.  An interesting point - some adoption attorneys I know have told me that it is best to have a surrogate that is NOT in some way connected to the child.  They discourage family members and close friends, I suppose because that is common AND when they have complex issues come up in the process.

    Unfortunately surrogacy is way complicated.  In some states it is easier than others - you sometimes hear of families travelling out of state for surrogates -- this is generally to places where the laws are friendlier.

    I think it's awesome that you feel this way.  When I was younger I thought of surrogacy, but decided I would have to have my own child(ren) first to understand if I could do this for someone else.  Little did I know I would marry later and have my 1st child at 36!  I'll be 39 for this one and by then I think my surrogacy window shuts! 

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  • I think it's a wonderful thing that you would consider doing this for a friend. I have thought about it myself as well and would not hesitate to be a surrogate to one of my sisters, although my oldest already has 2 and got her tubes tied. However my twin has had problems with ovulation, but she is not at a point in her life where she would have kids (no stable relationship, just got a new job, etc).

    Before I became pregnant I considered egg donation, but then thought about how it would mean that my child would be out there somewhere in the world and I wouldn't know about it. Womens eggs are hard to come by, unlike sperm, so it's much more difficult to part with them. After those thoughts, I couldn't go through with it. However, now that I'm pregnant and have met so many women that have suffered IF and have had several rounds of unsuccessful IVF, I would love to donate my eggs. But I'm too old now. By the time I have this baby I'll be 30 and from the research I've done, no one wants eggs from a 30 year old or older.

    Your DH is a great guy for being okay with it too. After feeling my baby inside my belly I can't imagine how hard it would be to let go of that after 9 months, but you have to remind yourself that it's not YOUR baby, you are just the carrier until the baby is ready and healthy enough to go home to it's mommy and daddy (assuming you did not donate your eggs).

    It's a tough decision but one that I would definitely think about making myself for the right person if I had too.

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  • One of my neices is here because of a gestational surrogate, so I wholey support you if you are able to give this gift.  My SIL and BIL had tried TTC on their own and even IVF, but found out after 5 m/c (two of which were IVF attempts) that SIL couldn't physically carry a child to term on her own.  Her BFF carried my neice for them.  I don't know how things were handled legally (TN), but I know that BIL and SIL are considered the parents now and were in the hospital as well.

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  • Thanks, ladies, for making it through that really long post. 

    She has PCOS.  He has been cleared medically.  The doctors have no idea why they are not able to get or stay pregnant (there was one time where she got a BFP but miscarried days later).  Probably about a year ago, she had decided that she couldn't handle the drugs, etc., anymore, and that they were going to look into adopting.  Shortly thereafter, a lot of things happened with the economy, and they decided to use the rest of what their insurance would pay for.  I believe they have exhausted their insurance at this point.

    As far as them asking - I see where you are coming from.  My thoughts on that part were that if I were in her situation, I wouldn't want to ask someone, feeling as if it would be presumptuous (I'm not sure if that is the right word, but hopefully you get what I mean).  She doesn't have any sibilings, and he has one brother, but his wife wouldn't be the type to offer that, I don't think.

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  • I think it is wonderful that you would consider being a surrogate for your friend. It takes a very special person to take on such a thing.

    That being said I wouldn't offer it to your friends unless you know that is something they are looking for. Depending on what their IF diagnosis is a surrogate may not be the answer (male factor, diminished ovarian reserve/egg quality, tubal factor, etc.). I had several people mention surrogacy to me while I was struggling with IF and it was a little frustrating. I know they were trying to be helpful, but it just reminded me how no one really understood (even though I tried explaining) carrying a baby wasn't the issue for us it was getting the sperm & egg together that we needed help with.

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  • Thanks again, everyone.  As far as I know, they got good quality embryos through the IVF, but I'm not sure.  Something to think about over the next couple years before it becomes an issue.  I don't think that I could give an egg, honestly, but I hadn't actually thought about it before.

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  • I know a couple who adopted a newborn (private) and had a second child by surrogate - in both cases the babies were never held by the birth mother so baby could bond with the parents quickly.  These two babies are the best gifts anyone could ever receive and seeing how much their parents love them is so amazing.  It was a really long, hard road for this couple to have children.

    I've thought about surrogacy because I have a friend who cannot have her own children. I think if I were to do it I would need to stay focused on this being a gift and how much the baby would be loved by her.  You'll get a good taste of the post pregnancy hormones with your own prenancy which should help you deceide if you could give this gift to your friend.

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  • What a wonderful thing to do for a great friend if you are able!  I have thought about this occasionally with my friend who is having such a hard time, but I'm honestly not sure if I'd be strong enough, so I commend you.  Definitely check with a lawyer though to make sure everything goes smoothly.  It will be emotional and you'll want to make sure there aren't added hang-ups making things harder.
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  • i am so proud of you! i have wanted to do this! but with this being my last baby i have thought about it several times, and i am high risk now, and seems to be very VERY ruff on my body so i've come to the conclusion that i wont be able to do this! tho i would for someone if i wouldnt be high risk! GO FOR IT!
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  • I have no advice, but it's very selfless of you to consider doing this at all.  Even with another woman's egg, I don't think I could do it.
    Married 08.19.06 ~ DS 9.30.11 ~ Baby #2 EDD 11.28.18

  • they had a special episode of the View on Surrogacy and I was surprised to hear it was illegal in NY State and a lot of other states, so you might have to check first.

    You would also have to consider who would pay your medical bills and your time off work costs. (if you had any) 

    I commend you very much for doing this.  It is extremely admirable.  I think for me the hardest part would be explaing to everyone in my life (especially acquaintances or coworkers) that my pregnancy was over but I had no baby.  But I guess that is a small sacrifice. 

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