IF or difficulty conceiving

CA2006 · June 2011

I was just reading the trainwreck of an UO Thursday post below and it got me thinking a bit about where I was, mentally, 5 years ago vs. today. I honestly had NO clue what having a difficult time conceiving felt like until it took 12 months to conceive DS. I was one of the VERY lucky ones who was actually able to conceive naturally. I can't even imagine the heartache, frustration and money spent when it comes to IF and I truly feel for those who are in that situation.

But in all honestly, I am not sure I would even have the slightest clue into what that feeling was like if I hadn't gone through 12 months of waiting to conceive DS (and again, I fully acknowledge that 12 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things). So, for those who share the UO of the OP in that thread, it's clear to me that you have not had to struggle with getting pregnant and had to make any of those difficult decisions and I hope you never have to. But keep unpopular opinions like that one to yourself because you just never know if you will struggle with secondary IF in the future and have to eat your words.

Echloe · June 2011

Thanks for posting this. That UO was very hurtful.

carstekj · June 2011

Agree! I stopped reading the UO because I could tell it wasn't headed in a positive direction (and I hate conflict).

MamaHerman · June 2011

Agreed. Thank you for posting. Only someone who had ZERO problems conceiving could say something like this! God gave us the ability to find these technologies, and to successfully use them! I for one am forever grateful for IF technologies! My husband and I tried almost 2 full years to conceive this LO, and I KNOW I am meant to carry this child! No A$$hole is going to tell me differently!

Stuckinthemiddle · June 2011

What you read earlier wasn't an unpopular opinion - it was just downright ignorant.

SpinningJess · June 2011

CA2006:

you just never know if you will struggle with secondary IF in the future and have to eat your words.

Yes

NewMrs52106 · June 2011

I agree. It took us awhile to conceive DD and even longer with DS (my current pregnancy) and there was a point in time when they told us we were unlikely to conveive on our own, and we had to revisit the issue of having DD as an only child, continuing to try naturally, or using treatments to get pregnant. It was a very painful process that we didn't share with many people (due to ignorant comments such as those in the UO post).

Unless you have felt the pain of knowing that you might not be able to conceive, and the struggle to get pregnant, you should be very careful what you say. I don't think it comes from a nasty place (at least I hope not) but you have no idea how painful it is to want to get pregnant and have trouble. Let alone hearing ignorant comments from others who were able to get pregnant on the first try (or accidentally).

xhollishx · June 2011

This is my third pregnancy. This is also the farthest that I've been, so I'm really happy. I have an auto immune disorder that caused us to have problems. I have to say that it was really hard on me. I felt like it was all my fault, even though it wasn't. I couldn't help that my grandfather had Lupus and I got Sjogren's as a result. So I can see where it's hurtful. To be honest, after my second miscarrage, we decided not to have kids. This pregnancy was a COMPLETE (but wonderful) shock.

love_melongtime · June 2011

NewMrs52106:

I agree. It took us awhile to conceive DD and even longer with DS (my current pregnancy) and there was a point in time when they told us we were unlikely to conveive on our own, and we had to revisit the issue of having DD as an only child, continuing to try naturally, or using treatments to get pregnant. It was a very painful process that we didn't share with many people (due to ignorant comments such as those in the UO post).

Unless you have felt the pain of knowing that you might not be able to conceive, and the struggle to get pregnant, you should be very careful what you say. I don't think it comes from a nasty place (at least I hope not) but you have no idea how painful it is to want to get pregnant and have trouble. Let alone hearing ignorant comments from others who were able to get pregnant on the first try (or accidentally).

I agree that 99% of the time, this type of comment does NOT come from trying to be nasty or hurtful. I think it's simply ignorance and not knowing what it feels like to struggle with IF.

The OP mentioned that she was adopted and that she plans to adopt in the future (if I remember correctly) and this is the same situation as myself. Adoption has always been near and dear to my heart and I plan to adopt one day. I have also thought to myself that if MH and I struggle with getting pregnant, I would turn to adoption in a heartbeat if we have sufficient funds. This is just the way I feel personally, and my guess is that the OP probably feels similar.

Now i'm not saying that I agree with the OP, or that I would EVER say anything like she said, but I think it's just due to ignorance and having a different way of thinking (ie- hoping to adopt one day herself, so jumping to the adoption conclusion is an easy thing to do.)

That said- I think we are pretty much beating a dead horse at this point. Sometimes people say ridiculous things. For instance- the comment about babies who are concieved easily arent as loved as babies who are concieved through medical intervention. All in all, these type of comments are ridiculous and rather than think 'thats so hurtful!' I just think 'you are ridiculous for thinking that, let alone saying it out loud.'

Anyway, that's my opinion!

yarnymommy · June 2011

NewMrs52106:
Unless you have felt the pain of knowing that you might not be able to conceive, and the struggle to get pregnant, you should be very careful what you say.

I couldn't agree more. The scars from IF struggle are so deep that they aren't 100% healed even after you're pregnant. The ups and downs of IF take a toll on your self esteem, your body image, your psyche, your marriage and your relationship with family and friends... some of us have overburdened our loved ones with our IF anguish and pain, others have distanced ourselves and dealt in private. Your pathway to motherhood should NEVER be judged. If you become pregnant by a "happy accident", I hold no hostility towards you... I'm glad you didn't have to go through the HELL of IF. If you are pregnant with "scientific intervention", I applaud you for your perseverance and strength for enduring the ups and downs of however many IF cycles you were forced to endure.

Many of us have some or a lot of IF detail in our signatures... those who posted the hurtful comments should have given it more thought before doing so.

Oh, and we all love our babies equally. Anyone who would think otherwise is seriously delusional.

katie052409 · July 2011

As someone who has experienced both situations: multiple fertility treatments and years of trying for our DD#1 and then a wonderful surprise BFP for DD#2; I can also agree with the pp that the scars of IF and it's treatments and worry and stress and angst do NOT go away with pregnancy- it stays with you and is something I would never wish anyone to have to deal with... Also I can honestly say I will love this baby as much as I love my DD. That the BFP I saw for #2 was met with the same elation as when my IVF doctor called to say I was pregnant with my DD#1. This should not be about us vs them, the super fertile vs the IF people. Lets just all love our children to the best of our ability no matter how they were conceived. And if you are lucky enough to concieve naturally, I pray you will always conceive easily and naturally. And if you conceived through fertility treatments, I pray your next one is easier. And if you will always need fertility treatments, look at your little one and hug them close and know that every step of that process was totally worth it, more likely than not (or at least I can honestly say) I would do it over 100 times again for my child.

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