Blended Families
CurlyQ284
member
How to get SD to stop being nasty
CurlyQ284
member
My SD has said some nasty things this week. She told my husband he looked fat and the other night when I said to DH that the food was missing something, she says "uh flavor?" She is 10. The fat comment was also said in a nasty way. I shudder to think of what she says to her sister when we are out of earshot. Last summer, we tried having nice points where they get a point when they do or say something nice, point taken away for mean comments or actions. That didn't work. Any other ideas on how to nip the nastyness in the bud? She made a face at my DH behind his back when he told her to get out of the pool. He told her he was really upset that we do all this stuff so they have fun and then she hurts his feelings. She said she thought it was funny and then felt guilty and cried. Should we tell her she's hurting our feelings when she does this? She felt really bad and cried for a while. I was raised on guilt so it kind of works I guess but I hate to see her cry and mope for 2 hours...thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How to get SD to stop being nasty
I think you should tell her that it is disrespectful and it hurts y'alls feelings. She is old enough to be able to understand this and respect this. If she continues to do it afterwards there should be consequences. Kids shouldn't be allowed to disrespect people that are older than them and letting it slide because you don't want to teach her by guilt will only result in her growing up thinking she can get away with it. She'll be in for a shock when she hits the real world. Even if she feels guilty afterwards as long as you don't play on that guilt I don't think it's wrong. If she feels that guilty and doesn't mean to do it on purpose then she should stop pretty soon.
How long has she been doing this and are there any new circumstances that made her start when she did?
In our house we notice that the first day or so is an adjustment day where the kids adjust to being in this home. In our home they have rules, expectations, duties, etc. and at BM's they do not. For example, they have colored on all of the walls, doors, the large screen tv, furniture, flooring, etc. We don't allow this here. So, the first day is more of a fight to get them adjusted so to say. BM allows them to yell and scream. Our house is focused on rewards, positive influence, and calm. BM has made a comment on how the kids are so calm when they come home from our house and asked what medicine do we give them. We have tired a variety of things. We have removed their favorite things, earlier bed times, no deserts, no special activities, etc. We discovered that those types of things did not work as well as other things kind of depends on the week I guess. Right now they are big on money so they earn so much for certain things so a nickel for picking up toys without being asked, $0.50 for no fights, $1 for eating a new food item, etc. It is based on what our goal for that week is which is what SO and I discuss the night before our parenting week begins. So, each kid has a "bank" and money get deposited as they do things. This also includes no attitudes, no meltdowns, no talking back, etc. Again, money is a big deal right now.
We are working with DSD on self-esteem and doing some specific work with her on building her self-esteem. This was through the assistance of a counselor.
We have done the marbles in the jar. Marbles are added for good things and removed for bad things.
We have done star charts. This was big when they wanted toys fast.
We also do talks about behavior, time outs, remove and re-focus, etc.
You might want to consider counseling. There might be a deeper issue that is going on that might be better address through a counselor. I do know that some things are age appropriate however if it excessive you might want to think bigger picture.
Hope it helps!
We have the same problem. SD doesn't know the difference between teasing and hurting someone's feelings. So we've had to tone down our own sarcasm. It's tough.
Yes, this could have a lot to do with it. Often times children struggle with how to voice their feelings or fears to adults so the "act out" to gain attention in any form. I would encourage your DH sitting down with her and just allowing her to talk. Another option would be getting her a journal. Allowing her to write out her feelings might be a great release for her.
I would also allow her to explore some of her favorite things such as reading or drawing or acting or such and using those as a way to express herself even more. She is becoming closer to the teen and be prepared for the eye rolls even more. So, providing her a way to communicate and voice her feelings will "hopefully" reduce the stress of being a teenager. Keep in mind the hormone changes and the fun stuff that is starting to happen as well. PM if you want to chat.
Nip it NOW. SD would say things like that and DH had to get on her. He let her know under no uncertain terms will it be allowed in our home. She knocked it off, but she was older than your SD. Being younger, you may need to take a different more gentle approach.
Your SD may just need a sit down and just need some attention as well. Sounds like maybe she is mad about something and is lashing out. You just need to get to the heart of her concerns and spend some time with her. Can both you and your DH each spend alone, one on one time with her where you can do something fun as well as spend time having a heart to heart? She'll get the attention she needs, maybe let her guard down and open up to whatever issues she's having.