**UPDATE** H coming home and DD may or may not be there...Good or Bad??? (FYI this is long) — The Bump
Military Families

**UPDATE** H coming home and DD may or may not be there...Good or Bad??? (FYI this is long)

Good Monday Morning Everyone!!

I?m looking for some fellow military wife/mother opinions on a situation.  Here we go?.

DD is 5 going on 6, H has been deployed since winter of last year and is scheduled home soon.  DD is visiting the in-laws for the summer and is having a semi-hard time being away from mommy.  She has never been away from me really but she is comfortable with my in-laws, mainly because my neice and nephew are also there to play with her all day.  She has been there since last Friday and has only cried when I called once saying she wants to come home.  She was with my sister and mother over the weekend and that did not go so well DD was very emotional and wanted me to go get her.  Obviously mother and sister were not happy. 

H thinks it is good DD will be away when he comes home, he says this has been his hardest deployment yet, he has lost many friends/fellow Marines.  DD will not be here when H comes home.  SO part one of my saga is?.do you think it is better of worse for your child(ren) to be here when H comes home from deployment knowing he has had a rough deployment and he has voiced it was rough.  Granted H will go for therapy, as he has with past deployments, to get his feelings out and sort through the events of the deployment if he needs help.  So I am not worried H will deny help if he needs help, I am worried if DD is here for homecoming that she will feel like ?Daddy doesn?t want to talk to me or play with me? and blame herself.  WIth past deployments DD was younger and it did not bother her.  This deployment was all about Daddy, she started school this past September and all her pictures were her and Daddy, she even was part of a little club at school for children who had deployed parents.  So this deployment she understood he was gone, she helped me with the care packages, and would draw him pictures and tell me, "This is for when Daddy comes home"

Second portion of the saga?.My family, sister and mother; feel I am doing more harm to DD by not having her with me when H comes home.  Neither of them are military and never have been.  They do live in a huge military town so they feel they, ?Know it all?.  Mom feels like it?s an ok idea so DD is not all messed up when H comes home.  Mind you this is not the first or the last deployment for H but of course Mom knows everything.  Now sister is even worse, she says I am going to damage my daughter and make her feel abandoned because I left her with my in-laws for the summer and H has been gone since the winter.  Summer being 6 weeks then we will go together, me and H, to pick up DD.  Sister and Mother feel disconnected from DD and DD is not a happy camper when she is with Sister or Mother without me.

In my honest opinion I feel DD will be hurt more by the fact H will be quiet and sleep for the first few days.  Right now she is mainly hanging out with my niece and nephew at my in-laws house who cater to her every need, they are young teenagers, and they play with her and they tell me she is having a good time.  If she comes home she will go to camp and get just as much attention and have fun filled days as well.

Ugh I am so sorry for the long post but I feel you ladies understand what it is to go through deployments with children and have husband?s come home who need time to readjust to the world after a deployment. 

TIA ladies!!

 

**UPDATE**

Just finished voicing my concerns with H and he said, "Bring her home I will be fine"
Thank you ladies again for your opinions and responses :)

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Re: **UPDATE** H coming home and DD may or may not be there...Good or Bad??? (FYI this is long)

  • image gigismomma:

    In my honest opinion I feel DD will be hurt more by the fact H will be quiet and sleep for the first few days. 

    You know your daughter best.  This is what should matter most, not the opinions of your mother and sister.

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  • Thank you for your response.  I guess it is hard to accept DD not being here when H comes home.  But getting honest opinions/feedback from other military wives/mothers helps me.  Thanks again have a wonderful day.
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  • I would go with your gut and your husband's wishes.  Give your H some time to adjust to being home.  Maybe once he gets settled in, he will want DD home sooner.
    "Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere" ~Sara Bareilles




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  • Thank you.  H will be home for about two weeks and a few days then we will go pick up DD together.  I figured this will give him some time to complete all his evals and classes for debriefing.

    Have a great day.

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  • Sorry, I was lurking, but coming from a military background, even if I'm not in it anymore- if your husband says he would rather be without her for a few days, you should probably go with his wishes. It's been a hard time for him, and him taking out any anger on frustration on her, however accidental, would be an awful thing. Most of the military men I was around had trouble voicing their feelings when things have gone that roughly, and if he cared strongly enough about it to discuss it, he probably means it. It's probably not a good idea to change the plan when he has had a plan in mind and is preparing mentally for it- I just don't want anything to go wrong for him. You guys are in my thoughts, and I hope that his transition back home goes as smoothly as possible.
  • image chloebeth930:
    I would go with your gut and your husband's wishes.  Give your H some time to adjust to being home.  Maybe once he gets settled in, he will want DD home sooner.

     

    This. I agree with PP too. No one knows your DD or H better than you. No one knows your family and relationship dynamics better either. You should listen to your gut and husband and do what's best for YOUR family. You mom and sister do not know your family the way that you do. Don't feel bad for making this decision to leave your DD with your in-laws for a while. I think it would be an easier transition for your H to get back to normal life. I think that if your H is withdrawn and sleeping for the first week or so when he comes home that will hurt your DD more because she won't understand. Then you are dealing with H's return/ adjustment and a hurt DD. Also, I believe that you and your H are being responsible this way. He understands his feelings and how he might be once he comes home and you two have talked about ways to adjust with as little emotional impact on your family as possible. You guys are doing the right thing. Just believe in each other and it will all work out. 

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  • You know your H and your DD best. 

    That said, she's old enough to start asking questions and piecing things together.  Is she going to be even more hurt if she realizes while at her grandparents' that her daddy is at home and she's not there?  Or if she finds out later that she didn't get to see him for 2 whole weeks, is that going to break her heart?  Are you going to tell her and let her miss him still, or hide it from her and hope she doesn't find out?  It seems like you've thought a lot about what your H wants, but have you really thought about the consequences of your daughter's feelings in this (and is she REALLY going to be more upset about him being "out of it" for a little while but there with her, or is she going to be more pissed and hurt, and maybe even feel betrayed, when she finds out you got him all to yourself for a couple weeks and kept her from him)? 

    2 weeks is a long time to go without seeing somebody you love (especially when they've been gone for so long already), but in terms of therapy it's not much time to make the kind of progress that would make a huge difference in whether your DD is there or not.  Does your H really think that 2 weeks will make a lot of difference in terms of laying around the house not wanting to do anything?  If it's just the first few days that he thinks he'll be like this, could you maybe compromise, give him a few days, and then go pick her up early?  Is there any chance her presence could help pull him out of the funk by giving him things to do? 

    Like I said, you know them best.  Do what you feel you need to do, but make sure that you're not totally walking all over your daughter's feelings/wishes while you try to accomodate your H's.  If she were a toddler it would be different, but you can't hide much of anything, especially something big like a homecoming, from a 5/6 year old.  I can't imagine even thinking about keeping my kids from their father for 2 WEEKS after he gets home, or him wanting to do that, unless he's in a state of mind that would be truly dangerous for them (in which case, he'd be checked into somewhere anyway and not at home with me either). 

  • Again thankyou ladies for your opinions and responses. 

    I do feel keeping DD away for two weeks is a bit much.  But again I am going by what H is saying.  Nonetheless I am planning on talking to H about DD coming home earlier.  I think one week after he comes home H's family can come down to visit [MIL/FIL/SIL/Niece & Nephew] and bring DD with them.  This way "we" don't have to go and get DD and it can be more of a celebration at my house which is where DD would feel the most comfortable. I have a lot to consider on both sides and not much time to consider it.

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  • I don't agree with your family, but I also don't agree with your DH.  I don't think you are going to actually "damage" this child, but I also couldn't imagine being gone for months and not wanting to see my child the minute I got home.  I think it is an important day for her too, JMO.  How do you think she is going to feel knowing that daddy is home, but she is not there to see him?  Will she feel that he doesn't WANT to see her?  Which is worse, daddy not talking to her much when he comes home, or her feeling that daddy doesn't want her there?

    You need to do what is best for you and your family.  It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.  You may make the decision you feel is right at the time, but it might be the wrong one overall.  You just never know.  I would put extensive thought into this before making the decision.  You know your DD and DH.  Trust what you know.  Good luck!

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  • I didn't read everything but can tell you that I did not bring my then almost 3yr old and 17mos old to DH's last HC. It was too close to their nap time and I (with DH's agreement) was not going to mess up their nap schedule. DH just surprised them by waking them up from their naps.

    I don't know what I would do if my kids were closer to your child's age. It would be situation dependent for me. 

  • image MaxandRuby:

    I didn't read everything but can tell you that I did not bring my then almost 3yr old and 17mos old to DH's last HC. It was too close to their nap time and I (with DH's agreement) was not going to mess up their nap schedule. DH just surprised them by waking them up from their naps.

    I don't know what I would do if my kids were closer to your child's age. It would be situation dependent for me. 

    Keep reading.  Big huge difference between a nap time and 2 weeks at grandma's house. 

  • image leslie13510:

    You know your H and your DD best. 

    That said, she's old enough to start asking questions and piecing things together.  Is she going to be even more hurt if she realizes while at her grandparents' that her daddy is at home and she's not there?  Or if she finds out later that she didn't get to see him for 2 whole weeks, is that going to break her heart?  Are you going to tell her and let her miss him still, or hide it from her and hope she doesn't find out?  It seems like you've thought a lot about what your H wants, but have you really thought about the consequences of your daughter's feelings in this (and is she REALLY going to be more upset about him being "out of it" for a little while but there with her, or is she going to be more pissed and hurt, and maybe even feel betrayed, when she finds out you got him all to yourself for a couple weeks and kept her from him)? 

    2 weeks is a long time to go without seeing somebody you love (especially when they've been gone for so long already), but in terms of therapy it's not much time to make the kind of progress that would make a huge difference in whether your DD is there or not.  Does your H really think that 2 weeks will make a lot of difference in terms of laying around the house not wanting to do anything?  If it's just the first few days that he thinks he'll be like this, could you maybe compromise, give him a few days, and then go pick her up early?  Is there any chance her presence could help pull him out of the funk by giving him things to do? 

    Like I said, you know them best.  Do what you feel you need to do, but make sure that you're not totally walking all over your daughter's feelings/wishes while you try to accomodate your H's.  If she were a toddler it would be different, but you can't hide much of anything, especially something big like a homecoming, from a 5/6 year old.  I can't imagine even thinking about keeping my kids from their father for 2 WEEKS after he gets home, or him wanting to do that, unless he's in a state of mind that would be truly dangerous for them (in which case, he'd be checked into somewhere anyway and not at home with me either). 

    Just wanted to say your post made me think the most.  Eventhough DD is 5 going on 6 she would def be upset if H came home and she had to wait to see him for two weeks.  I never looked at it from that perspective.  Thank you again. :)

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  • I'm glad he changed his mind.  I think in the long run it will be better for her to be there when he gets home, or at least shortly after.  :) 

    Just remember too, if he's having a rough day and just needs some quiet downtime, you can always tell her that daddy needs a nap or something and take her to the park, or out for ice cream or something.  It's not an all or nothing deal, where she has to be all over him 24/7 at the beginning. 

    Good luck, and yay that he'll be home soon!

  • Cant you compromise?  He gets the first 2-3 days home, alone.  That gives him time to get over his jet-lag and decompress somewhat.  AND it gives YOU BOTH time to air out some of your issues, such as what he is going to do about his obvious emotional issues from this last deployment BEFORE your DD comes home.

    While I am not discounting that your DD will be hurt, she will not be emotionally destroyed.  

    HOWEVER, your DH IS emotional right now.  His needs DO come first, since they are of a greater caliber.  AND will actually have an impact on your DD. 

    Which is worse, a DD who is a bit hurt that she didnt get to see DH right away OR a DD who has to deal with a Cranky, Stressed Out, Daddy on a daily basis? 

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  • I don't understand why your DD is away from you right now?  Your DH left on a long  deployment and now you have her at your mom's for what seems like many weeks/months.  Is there a medical reason or something I am missing here?  You were thinking of leaving her with your mom for 2 weeks while your DH was home, what about all these other weeks?  And she is crying for you and missing you, of course.  Please let me know what I am missing.

     She needs to be with you when her daddy is gone.   

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