Childless not by choice
XXXXX222
member
Do you feel pressure to adopt?
XXXXX222
member
A couple comments in one of the posts below made me wonder...
Do your friends and family members urge you to try the adoption process (either for the first time or again)? Do you think infertile couples in general are expected to adopt?
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Re: Do you feel pressure to adopt?
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
April 2011 CP @ 5 weeks
In a word - yes. This is such a touchy subject. But here goes...
I think there is a huge degree of ignorance regarding the time, detail and $$ involved in adoption. Yes, sometimes foster to adopt situations arise that are more cost effective and yes, sometimes a child becomes available for adoption almost immediately after completing all the necessary steps - but my understanding is that's rare.
More importantly, there's a huge ignorance regarding the multiple losses experienced by the IF couple. As part of our decision making process, DH and I read Pat Johnson's book Adopting after Infertility. This is a quote from that book:
"... there are multiple losses which are a consequence of permanent infertility: 1) control over many aspects of life; 2) individual genetic continuity linking past and future; 3) the joint conception of a child with one's life partner; 4) the physical satisfactions of pregnancy and birth; 5) the emotional gratifications of pregnancy and birth; and 6) the opportunity to parent."
Her litany reminds us of the clich?: "Adoption doesn't cure infertility." Of the six losses named by Johnston, adoption provides the opportunity to avoid only the last loss, the opportunity to parent.
I do - and I know that my friends and family are only trying to be helpful but it's always the first thing they say when we talk about being done with treatments.
"Are you sure you aren't interested in adoption?"
Yes, we are sure. And we didn't come to the decision lightly. I know they mean well but it's not helpful. Adoption is not an easy road to travel and after IF we are just done. We are ready to live our lives without constant stress, sadness and disappointment. For some reason that is hard to understand.
Like the chick above me, I think there are huge misconceptions (even amongst those who are successful in adopting) as to how difficult adoption can be.
I foolishly looked at different posts about this board across the nest when it first showed up and was surprised by how many people thought that we are horrible people because we really aren't childfree: not by choice because there is always the option for donors and/or adoption.
People don't realize that there are people who try adoption, numerous times, and it just doesn't work out.
We've been selected by birth mothers twice now- one at around 16 weeks and we went through the rest of the pregnancy thinking we were going to adopt only to have the birth mom decide to parent.
They are right, I could just continue to put myself in that situation and allow myself to be hurt time after time but there comes a time where your brain starts screaming "STOP!!!!!!" if for no other reason than self-preservation.
So yea, I suppose I am childfree by choice. But the choice was either continue to try and have a child or keep my sanity. And even as cut and dry it seems now, it was an awful decision to make.
Wow- talk about a tangent.
In response to the OP- yes, I feel pressured to adopt. I think it is just assumed by the world that if you can't have a biological child you just go out and adopt, easy peasy.
And that adopted chick from the earlier post can get insulted all she wants. What the person said (I can't remember who it was) was no less insulting than the things said to people who can't conceive.
"It's a child, not a cheeto" Thanks mmariluh!
"Ew. I've read all of two posts from you, and you stink like rotting garbage."
I agree that people don't get how difficult it is. We did some looking into it. We would have to buy a different house. My stairs are too steep, so they would require us to change that, which isn't possible with our house, the stairs on next to a load bearing wall. There are also some health issues that they won't let people adopt with.
Our former pastor (we no longer attend there) suggest immediately following our loss that we adopt. DH looked at him and asked him how many children he had adopted. Luckily that ended the conversation.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
April 2011 CP @ 5 weeks
I did the same thing... I read through posts.
When we first started trying, it's possible that you could have heard either from me or from my husband "If we don't get pregnant we'll adopt".
But, as the experience changes, SO many things change.
Honestly, it must be wonderful to go through life thinking that way. Being so completely separated from this path that you can get to the "if you can't have a child, just adopt" conclusion SO easily. It kind of makes me choke up.
I too feel pressured.
I'm sure insensitive things ARE said to those who can't conceive, but I still disagree that that gives anyone the right to say the things about adoption that that poster said. If adoption isn't an option for her, or you, or anyone, fine! But what she said was uncalled for, plain and simple. Being hurt doesn't justify being hurtful to others.
I think the "pants on" / "legs closed" whatever part of the argument was really unnecessary (and untrue in many cases) and borders on the blaming-the-victim thing. It is sad if she truly believes this. BUT what I think she was getting at was that that's the justification everyone and their dog-sitter uses to "convince" us infertiles that adoption is the right thing to do in all cases. Not just that it's our responsibility to provide a loving home for a child, but that it is *specifically our* responsibility because we are otherwise childless. And that is frustrating. Hope that made sense without offending.
I also was stupid enough to follow links to what others were saying about this board and was floored by how many people ranted about "Why don't they just adopt? Precious babies need a home! They are so selfish." all the while ignoring the hypocrisy of the eleventy billion biological children pictured in their siggy. It's like providing a good home for these children is the "job" of us lesser women... you know... the infertiles.
Also surprised by the near tantrums thrown over how we wish to define ourselves and our message board by individuals who do not qualify for this group. Seriously! I mean, those who were just curious as to why that particular name was picked - fine. But some were just gasping and clutching at pearls over it.
History of IF and 2.5 years TTC. The day we were to start our first IUI we received a call that changed our lives forever and 10 month old Olivia joined our family. Shortly thereafter we got a surprise BFP and baby 2 is due July 5, 2012