Special Needs
When is enough *really* good enough?
How do you
know when you've really done all you can do in a given situation? When,
and how, do you give yourself permission to say a job is "good enough"
to be let go? I'm really struggling with this lately. No matter how much I do, I know there's more that I could be doing, but I get to the point that I'm so exhausted I honestly don't want to do anymore. I've been seeing a therapist about letting go of some of this guilt/anxiety, but it's a daily struggle.
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Re: When is enough *really* good enough?
In terms of therapies, we got some really good advice from our Dev. Pedi. He said a lot of parents run themselves ragged trying to do every possible therapy available to help their child, thinking that there is a direct correlation between "amount of therapy" and "outcome". There isn't.
At some point, your curve on the "graph of therapies" will continue to rise and rise and the curve representing your child's progress or outcomes will plateau. Your child just may not be able to progress to optimum levels. It is what it is.
There is a point of "enough". The appropriate amount of therapy is the amount that allows you to have as much of a typical family life as possible. Remember, that a healthy family life is just as important as how many times a day you are doing exercises or stretches with your little one. HTH and ((hugs))
When you find out, let me know. Had the same discussion with DH last night. He wants me to do something fun for myself every day this summer. I don't know how that will be possible. I feel like he must not understand my life sometimes. But I am going to try as much as I can. I am tired of being a crabass.
Hang in there.
I struggle with this, too. I'm a perfectionist to start with, so I have a hard time with the guilt of not feeling like I'm doing enough. DH has tempered my impulse to do EVERYTHING, basically throw whatever therapies we can afford at a wall and see what sticks. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like he doesn't understand how important it is to do intensive intervention while she's young, and that we should be taking less of a measured pace. We see-saw back and forth.
But ultimately, I do think the approach we've decided on -- take advantage of district services, then take the time to do our research, interview therapists, select a therapy to address core deficits and build around that with additional therapies/activities -- is the right one. Building up slowly, rather than start off fast and find ourselves financially unable to maintain the level of therapy, or find that we've sacrificed our family life to therapy. And we're seeing progress, but it's always hard to wonder "if we were doing more, would she be progressing faster?" I don't know if that ever goes away.
Every once in awhile I have a meltdown and start researching what else we can do (usually this coincides with PMS :P). On one hand, it means I find things like a local gymnastics class led by an OT that we will likely add to DD1's activities. On the other ... it's a lot of stress, and sometimes it doesn't actually result in anything that helps DD1, and doesn't really help me feel any better.
It also helps that I have DD2. I can't put all my focus and energy into DD1's needs, because DD2 needs me, too -- and the girls need each other, need a stable and happy family life, and need to do things and have experiences other than being hauled back and forth to therapy.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
I'm not a parent of a child with special needs, so I really have no place answering this - I know that. I am a speech therapist who works with kids with SN, so I have a tiny bit of experience/opinion. I agree with Assembly Required.
One family I work for is amazing and wonderful. They are off the charts smart, successful, loving, and more. They have a 7 year old with autism. I've worked with them for years and have watched them lately spiral into a place that concerns me. They travel around the country to meet with doctors. They are trying all sorts of biomedical treatments, IVIG, hyperbaric chambers, etc. He is in many different disciplines of therapy. They are literally killing themselves mentally, emotionally, physically, financially to give him all that they can. And meanwhile, he is losing out on a lot - mostly, quality time with his family and a family who is still and present long enough live in the here and now. Watching this from the outside...with a very well intentioned family...I agree that when you start compromising your family unit, the mental health of its members, and the happiness of your child, you have gone too far the other way.
I can only imagine that the balance is really hard to find. Honestly, it is all relative - figuring out how much to do and how much is enough with ANY kid is tricky - with or without special challenges. GL and hang in there.
I imagine it is hardest for parents of kids who have autism or no DX at all. Not only is a lot of it not covered by insurance, but you are left to research and guess which therapies might actually work for your particular kid.
We finally have a DX and it was a relief of sorts to know we were already doing the "right" stuff so far. Before then I felt like we should try any and every idea that came by. It's like running up a crumbling hill.
I also second medication for mama. The amount of stress we have to handle is more than most other people go through. It's ok to get some extra ammunition to help you get through it.
Thank you all for your responses. I hate that we're all in these situations, but it's nice not to be alone. DS was diagnosed with autism about a month or two ago. Some days I feel like we have a good, comprehensive service plan in place for him, but other days I wonder if I'll look back at this years from now and regret now doing more. I worry that someday I will have to look my grown son in the face and apologize for not doing better
As I said, I'm working with a therapist and am on medication, so that is helping. Anyway, thanks for listening. I really appreciate having this board to come to because I know that you all "get" it.