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Babies: 3 - 6 Months
Ugh MIL - huge blowup with husband
So at the end of last week my H and I had a huge "blowup" with each other that I am really confused about, or frustrated and now its a mute topic in the home.
MIL - 90lbs, alcoholic, smoker, addiction to Opiates, not trustworthy, tried to give my LO caffine last time we saw her, wanted visitation rights to our LO (Like court ordered visitation??? she is a grandparent not a parent) No showed to my wedding shower, my baby shower, walked out on my wedding, is very selfish, told my H our birthplan for visitors was stupid and she would do as she pleased.... much much more... o and wants my LO to sleep in a 60 yo crib because my H step-father was in it as a baby.
So my H and I decided a long long time ago that MIL would NEVER EVER get our LO. We don't see her much as we try to avoid her though she in only 15 minutes away. About 2 months ago my H made me go with him to visit (though I was making 100$ per pt at work that night... awsome) MIL with Madison because he didn't want to "deal" with her alone. She asked us while we were there is she could take Madi to a family reunion.... HELL NO... but of course my H couldnt come out and say no so he lies and says I think Michelle (me) is going out of town that weekend... we will let you know.
So over the past month she has been asking him about the reunion.... He doesn't want Madi to go because of all the drunks etc... in that family. So WHY on Thursday was we out at lunch and my H says to me "I'm going to tell mom she can come get her Saturday" WTH???? I give that OMG look and he gets all pissed. I then get lectured about how he is tired of hearing from her so he is just going to let her take out baby though he doesn't trust her anymore then I do. He then begins lecturing me about how I have this "Perfect" family (just because my parents are not divorce, though there are many many issues in that relationship alone). and that I don't have any idea what it's like to be in a divorced family and being in the middle. WTH? Why does it matter if your in a divorced family, we don't tell her that we let his Father and Step-mom take her one night every week, its non of MIL business.
So of course that fight, argument gets heated and he yells in his drill sgt voice at me and degrades my family just to be spitful. During the argument I even looked at him calmly and stated "are we really arguing because of your mother who has Fd us over so many times in the past two years". He then proceeds to tell me that for now on no one on either side gets to see her but 1 time a month like his mother gets... um HELLO we work 3rd shift and my mother and his father are our babysitters... he proceeds to tell me we will have to figure out something else to do with the baby at night because NO ONE is allowed to see her.
Needless to say we are back to our work week and the baby is at my parents home (taken there by my H no questions asked). But I just don't get it... We have been on the same page for years and now, all of a sudden he blows up about her.
She is now a mute topic in the house and I just don't get it.....
Did I mention she was 15 when she had him, her family told him growing up he should have been aborted if they had had the money to do so at the time, his father was in the National Guard and MIL would leave my H on his doorstep on his "weekend" for Guard duty and just leave (H was age 4-7). H would be found wandering the trailor park that they lived in. At 8 she gave him up to his father, at 11 she gave up custody of him...... I know its his mom but... ugh what a women.
and NO madi did not go - H told her I left town with the baby and told me I wasn't allowed to post of facebook that I was truly at home having a Yard Sale.
2nd EDD 02/01/13 - MC 5 1/2 weeks 6/5/12.
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Re: Ugh MIL - huge blowup with husband
Sounds to me like H feels bad that he can't have his family involved with his child. My H has no actual family so I dont have to worry about MILs but my mother is horrible (in a mentally needs help because she cant help it sort-of-way) and I'd never trust her with DD, but if either of my bros had a child, they would let her watch the little thing alone. I think it's a guy thing to want to think the best of their mothers even after being stabbed in the back, ect...
Hope that you two can work out what is up and be on the same page again soon :-}
Counseling... both of you. And not at a church. I'm sure a pastor/priest/etc is qualified to counsel on religious matters, but they're out of their league on this one.
Psychologist. Stat.
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
Wow, that is absolutely too much drama about absolutely nothing. Your MIL has no right to your daughter. Period. She's an alcoholic and an addict for f's sake!!! No child should ever be left alone with such a person.
I don't understand your husband, I'm sorry. He's just not making sense. I'm sure he's an amazing guy, but maybe the two of you should sit down and talk this out. This being a taboo is not good for you - unless you're ok with it. I'm sorry, this is really bad ... It sounds that there are some other issues surrounding this ... and I think those issues are in his head.
I wish you the best and don't let yourself be bullied into letting your daughter stay with an alcoholic and a junkie ... nothing good can come out of that.
Oh yeah. It's amazing how becoming a parent brings up issues from childhood you think you're over. "What if I screw up my kid and become a parent like my parents?" I disagree with the way he lost it on you, but it feels to me like he's channeling a little bit of that abandoned little boy, secretly longing for mom's approval, even if he doesn't realize it. Good for you for standing your ground. No way no how should that woman be trusted with children.
I agree with seeing a psychologist. My hope would be that your husband, at that point in time, just gave up and gave in to what his mother wants but wouldn't actually have gone through with it because that would be putting his daughter in harm's way.
Even if you have parents who abandoned you as a child there can always be that glimmer of hope, that wish, and that soft spot. And if your husband brought up your family I would imagine he envies your family situation. Sometimes it can hurt and be hard looking at someones life and comparing it to yours because you know what you missed out on. I am sure him becoming a parent has intensified this as well.
All in all, it sounds like he doesn't know how to process his feelings or how to handle his mother. I think that getting into counseling and talking to someone about how to deal with someone who is mentally and chemically unstable as well as dealing with his feelings growing up would be a positive thing for him and your family.
Thanks everyone for the replies: I am actually a Mental Health Therapist but have told him over and over that I am his wife, not his counselor. Most of my close friends are in the mental health field (Psychologtist, Therapist, and Psychiatrist). So basically he is around people all the time that suggest him going to therapy.
Monday we actually went to see a Psychiatrist (medication MD only). Because my H wanted the "quick fix" medicine Not therapy. I praise the MD on the inside because he bodly said that same thing to my H that all of us have been saying... YOU NEED TO SEE A COUNSELOR. Someone not a friend, not a wife, someone not associated with you and has an unbiased opinion of the situation. He still won't go but on the bright side he did put the brochure in his wallet... so cross my fingers he might call on his own.
He is a firefighter and I know his battalion chief is now involved on a personal and professional basis with talking to him so I hope he might talk him into going. He really needs it. The baby is bringing up some PTSD from a previous incident he was on where an infant was crushed to death and when she screams he goes back to that then there is the mother issue.
Thanks for the support.
Late to the game, but no wonder he has PTSD. Good for you for standing up for the best interests of your child.
Sorry you and your husband are dealing with all these issues.
Oh, your poor husband!!! Bless his soul ... that must have been so terrible! I really hope he seeks help on his own, that would be the best way. I wish you both good luck! Hugs!