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Toddlers: 24 Months+
MIL Vent/Advice?
This is really a vent but any advice is welcome. I love my MIL, really I do and appreciate her help more than anything. DS loves her so well and that's a lot of our problem. He knows he can get her to do things we don't always allow, so he'll naturally beg for her. We ask certain things of MIL, like feed him this, not so much of that, back off a little, etc. If I ask, she always comes back with excuses like "I'm his playmate, he doesn't understand, I'm his Nana, etc." So I usually ask DH to handle any issues we have. She takes them as threats from DH and says he treats her awful.. Um, I've heard him ask her to do certain things and there's no threatening there (that's really far from DH's personality anyways, it's just her dramatizing the situation). I'm at my end. I don't know how to handle these situations anymore. I'm thinking we should both sit down with her and plainly tell her (which is going to do no good, she'll think we're attacking her and she'll make excuses) "He's our child, we have certain boundaries and rules we need you to follow and if you have issues with that, then we'll have to make other arrangements"
Her latest arguement was that DH pulled DS away from her in public in front of MIL's friend, who was offended... What really happened: We were at a local function and DS was hot and tired, we were trying to leave and MIL was trying to get him to drink gatorade in the middle of the store with the owner standing right there (he was not dehydrated- he had been drinking water all morning and she knows we don't like to give him sugary drinks because he has a huge sweet tooth), I said "No, we're just going to go" and Dh said the same thing, but a little more sternly because frankly MIL just doesn't listen and bypasses everything we say or ask of her!! She also says she doesn't come to church because we won't let her sit with us?!!!!! One time we asked her to sit behind us somewhere because he was getting dedicated that day and we wanted him to sit quietly with us. We have never asked that of her again. She has never had interest in coming to church, but all of a sudden it's our fault.
Help me people, she's crazy! and she's running me crazy!
*Meg*
Our little family
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL Vent/Advice?
Wow, i wish i could offer you some solid advice, but looks like you covered all the bases (being diplomatic, talking to her, having dh talk to her) The only step that makes sense at this point is just to sit her down with the both of you..but i'm not sure how effective that will be as so far she's the "victim", and it probably won't stop anytime soon. (my mom is like this..when i tell her to cut some stuff out...i'm the grandma, etc) LOLOLOLOL I can't wait till she needs something, frankly, but that's another post.
ANYWHO, does DH have siblings, or someone close to everyone to act as a witness/objective person? Perhaps with someone else witnessing what's really going down, she'll be more accepting/better frame of mind to listen to what you're really saying.
Make a pregnancy ticker
Stop trying to "talk" to her or explain things to her. You know how she's going to respond. Time to move to action.
Just stop using her to watch DS. Eventually she'll probably ask why. ALL you say is "You won't respect our decisions so we can't trust you to watch DS". She gets into how hurt she is or makes excuses? You just say "I understand you feel that way but this is our decision.".
PERIOD.
You have to literally take him from her and she gets upset? Again, "I understand you were upset, however, our priority is DS and his care. not your feelings.".
Don't get into it. Don't "discuss", don't explain. You've tried this over and over. Words do no good. Move to action.
If from this she actually seems to "get it", then perhaps try again w/ letting her watch DS - but make it very clear that if she disregards your wishes,, you will stop it again.
Seriously- I have this same discussion w/ y 2 year old! At night I remind him "If you get out of bed, I'm going to have to take ___. Remember I did that last night? Same thing will happen tonight if you get up.". ANd guess what? He doesn't get up...
It's the simple adage - actions speak louder than words.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow, you are so right. This is great advice. I've been so cautious thus far b/c my FIL, her husband, took his life 7 months ago and she is obviously still very fragile, but this is another matter. Dh is an only child
Unfortunately, her mother would be our only "witness" probably and she's loonier than my MIL. ha! But we are definitely going to be taking "action" immediately. This has ruined my day, I'm appalled at our conversation this morning. I still can't get over it!
This is my opinion after reading your posts about MIL...
"I've been so cautious thus far b/c my FIL, her husband, took his life 7 months ago and she is obviously still very fragile, but this is another matter. Dh is an only child"
Ok I understand more than anyone that MIL's can be difficult to deal with, trust me. You have to look at what she has been through lately...that is an absolute horrific thing to deal with for anyone. I can't even imagine how she is just waking up in the morning. Tell yourself that life is short and tomorrow is not a guarantee. Tell yourself that it comes from a place of love, and that right now she needs family around her to fill this void. Try to imagine if you went through this with DH and you were all alone...your only child was married with his own family. Can't you understand that this must be hard for her. Yes, she is overstepping her boundaries and that is not ok. But what the pp mentioned is pretty harsh for your MIL given what she has been through this year. I think if you sit her down and acknowledge what she is going through and maybe how lonely she is, then maybe she would be more willing to respect your boundaries. I agree there needs to be boundaries for your family and how you want to raise your son but I don't think it needs to be at the expense of pushing her away and hurting her even more. Life is so short and we all need to really appreciate our loved ones while we have them. Family is not an easy thing but you will find a way to make it work! Good Luck!
That's true too. We know that better than ever now. She was like this before all of that happened though. The dedication at church thing was last summer. She was with her mom and sister yesterday. I kind of feel like they must have been having a discussion and the church thing got brought up because it came out of nowhere this morning.. I am trying really hard to be as gentle as possible but she undermines everything I ask of her. I will leave specific things there for him to eat and I'll ask her what he ate that day and she'll say something like "4 waffles or vanilla wafers" (we don't buy but she does and brings them to him) & basically junk food. I will ask "oh did he not want the ...?" She'll tell me she didn't even try. She just really hurt me today. I have been trying so hard to be easy with her without letting her take over (like she really wants to do). I will give my half but I need her to give back instead of take. Does that make sense? We are definitely going to have a FIRM heart to heart (which has been a LONG time coming). DS starts preschool in the fall which is going to tremendously help things.
Ladymeg - I completely understand where you are coming from. My MIL does the exact same thing. It is at a point where I can't even go over there around meal time because she will give my DS who is only 2 years old, m&m's and cookies for dinner. I hate it and have said something to her numerous times about this and she responds with "I am grandma, get over it" and tries to make me look like the bad parent for being so strict. I think that grandparents are trained to think they can spoil the grandkids regardless to how it makes the parents feel. I get what you are saying and I agree with you about having a talk with her. I was just saying that I would pick your battles right now. If your DS is going to preschool in the fall then there isn't much longer that you have to even worry about this issue. Right now it sounds like she is looking for comfort and love...and finds it in her grandson. I think there has to be boundaries to make everyone happy but make sure it doesn't make her feel pushed away. I only say that because of what she has been through...if it were a different situation I would say to be bluntly honest and not worry about it. I just think that life is too short and sometimes we really do need to pick our battles with our parents. Trust me there are days that I wish I didn't have to take my son anywhere near my in laws...but in the end that only hurts my DS because he loves them to death and doesn't know any better. Just something to think about! Good luck!
You're right and I didn't see it like that. I know she's been through this horrifying experience. It's been a very difficult adjustment for everyone. There are times where she has felt like the 3rd person in our marriage and I just have to sit there patiently. She calls sometimes 8x a day, it's just hard all around. I hope no one thinks I'm some awful witchy DIL. I've been more than patient with her, I just want her to give in some to us, not DS. We haven't tried a true sit down talk among all of us and that's what we are going to do next. Then we will see how that goes and if all else fails, we'll have to reach some sort of agreement (actions). I will update when we have our heart to heart, hopefully. Thanks to those who have listened and understood! I appreciate the ability to get it out somewhere.