Baby (dark) blues :( (vent)

SaraSues · June 2011

So if any of you read my birth story a couple weeks ago then you know how traumatic it was for me and for baby Austin... For those of you who haven't the quick version is that he had a stroke at birth caused by a blood clot which ultimately led to seizures in the NICU and a weeklong stay in the NICU.

Anyway, I wasnt able to breastfeed like i wanted to in the begining for obvious reasons, so i pumped and pumped and never really got my supply in like i thought i would. It has been almost three weeks now with pumping every 3 hours or more and I have seriously had enough. Austin wont nurse. He flat out refuses. I have tried everything from online help to a lactation consultant and he just wont do it. He will latch and suck for maybe 2 minutes, but then he is back at crying and wailing away. He is just too used to the bottle now because thats what he has been given ever since they took him off TPN. (Nipple confusion is real ladies, so watch out!) Now my supply is diminished BIG time. We're talking only 20mL per pumping session of both breasts! And its certainly not from lack of trying. I have been pumping for what seems like alllllll day just to get a total of 60mL.

So here I am, already blaming myself for his rough start on life and living in fear that he may someday have developmental problems because my stupid placenta A)Stopped nurishing him and Threw a clot into his tiny brain; Along with pre-eclampsia and a super stressful labor that caused both of our heart rates to get out of whack. And now I have to add to the fact that I can not only NOT breastfeed my son, but I also am not able to pump milk for him anymore.

UGH! How does that song go? "Bring on the rain, cuz I'm thirsty anyway..."

newestmrsmason · June 2011

((hugs))

No matter how bad things seem (or were) you should try to keep in mind that they could have always been worse. Try to look at ALL the small victories you have and I bet they will outnumber those few pitfalls.

At 3 weeks baby isn't demanding that much milk so pumping 4 oz might not be reasonable at this stage. In any case, some BM is better than none. So if you really are set to give DS some of the benefits of BM keep on pumping and just give him mixed bottles. Also formula doesn't make you a bad mother and realizing that you need to give him food (ANY food) makes you a great mother for your son. So if you decide to go totally FF then do so and try to relax bc the only thing that is not good for your DS is a stressed out mommy.

Hope this helps.

IdigDirt · June 2011

I agree, as long as your son is eating something you are doing a great job. None of this is your fault, crap happens to good people and it sucks but you are doing everything you can for your baby and that makes you a great mom. However, I know from my own experiences with depression that no matter how much people tell you it's not your fault that it will take a while for you to see that for yourself. In the meantime vent here whenever you need and take care of yourself and watch for PPD, ask for help if you need it. Lots and lots of hugs to you and Austin.

NovNYC2006 · June 2011

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much. If it's any consolation, I'm BF, pumping, and FFing. My LO will be 3 wks tomorrow and as of Sunday still isn't back to his birth weight. When I pump, I only get between .25-1 ounce total. At the lactation consultant... When weighing LO before and after feedings it seemed he was only pulling .25-.5 and ounce out too. One thing my pediatrician stressed is to drink LOTS of water while BFing and pumping. If you drink during it'll go directly towards milk. Before and after goes to urine. Good luck! Whatever you decide

maiziejenga · June 2011

I had placenta accreta with #1 and thought that was why my milk didn't come in. With #2, normal delivery with no complications and I still only got 1/2 oz max and baby hungry all the time. I supplement with formula. It doesn't make you a bad mom. It actually will make you a better mom because you'll be less stressed about getting your baby what he needs, he'll have more to eat, and your SO can help feed.

Once I made that decision for both my babies, it really got a lot better.

runnergrl6675 · June 2011

My son was in the NICU for an infection for 10 days. I too tried to breastfeed but my supply never really came in. The lactation consultant told me that its VERY common for NICU moms not to get their supply due to the stress of the situation. Also, I feel that the ladies in the NICU sabatoged my breastfeeding efforts by giving him a bottle. Don't beat yourself up over this as it's not your fault!

I feel your baby blues, too. II think once you start out your baby's life in the NICU, some sort of depression is inevitable. For me, I blamed myself for gving him this infection. Keep your chin up and realize your doing everything right.

mharison · June 2011

I know how you feel. I developed Pre-e and had to have a c-section after planning a natural birth at a birth center, and then found out my placenta wasn't working right either and my daughter wasn't developing right. She was in the NICU for three weeks, and had bottles while staying there. I had to pump every two hours to keep my supply going, and it was a struggle.

She's home now, and we are still working on the bf. Have you tried using a shield while nursing? That has really helped us, and she is able to latch using that. We are now working on transitioning from a shield to a nipple.

Hang in there. You are not a bad mom if you have to give your child formula. I know it's hard when things don't go the way you planned or wanted them to, but you are being a good mom by taking care of your son and giving him what he needs. You are doing what mothers are supposed to do. It sounds like you are doing what you can and using all of the resources available to you.

Good luck; hang in there!

alm0309 · June 2011

I am sorry that you are dealing with this

I had the baby blues pretty badly for the first 2.5 weeks, I was also pumping due to a NICU stay and DS wanted no parts of the breast, 30 seconds here and there. I cried every day and then I felt guilty for crying, after all this was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, right?!?! I definitely did not feel that way. I felt like I was missing time with my son because every two hours I had to pump for 20 minutes just for him to eat more than I was producing. I finally threw in the towel, and I have not cried since. Someone had posted on here that they felt like a failure and another bumpie said "Your child needs a happy mommy more than he needs breastmilk." I realized that I did what I could up until that point but it was not good for me or my family for me to be so stressed out over pumping. I tried my best and it just didn't work out. I am not saying that you should stop pumping and your problems will be gone, but know that you are not a failure or taking anything away from your son if you decide to strictly FF. Good luck and I hope you feel better!

annarobinson · June 2011

Don't be so hard on yourself, my baby was in the NICU too and they were giving her bottle also and now we are at 50/50 and she spits up/throws up like it is her job... but she still managed to get back to her birthweight and she is just 16 days old...so long as he is eating something, he should be fine. Talk to your pediatrician and your OBGYN about your frustration and see what they suggest.

muriel & eder · June 2011

I am sorry you're going through this. Don't give up on your breastfeeding. I also had no milk supply at the beginning (my baby was refusing my breast too) and had a major breakdown when I realized I was starving my baby. I had to introduce the bottle and formula so it was making breastfeeding more difficult. I had to seek for help. My baby lost lots of weight because of this and today we had our final appointment and found out she's finally at a good weight. My lactation consultant told me there are natural supplements one could take to increase milk supply and oatmeal is also good too. Keep breastfeeding and just supplement with the bottle. I hope this helps. Don't give up, I know you both can do it

GL

SaraSues · June 2011

I know this is a couple days later, but seriously thank you ladies. I have been reading your comments and I can honestly say that you have made me feel a lot better about this situation. No matter what its all about keeping him healthy and eating, and if that means he gets 90 percent formula or even 100 percent, then so be it.

Thanks so very very much. Things are looking up and we are going to be ok.

Melissa2216 · June 2011

I'm so sorry you're going through all that. My LO was in the nursery under lights for jaundice and he got spoiled with bottles and formula, and now he won't breastfeed. He just gets so frustrated and he screams his head off, which makes me cry also. Poor DH has had to calm us both down a few times. I hope things improve for you soon!

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