- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Babies: 3 - 6 Months
aburks1
member
vent: H is useless
aburks1
member
H works 12p-12a shifts. He's never home. If he is home, he's asleep. He wakes up at 10:30, gets dressed, and leaves for work. They spend maybe 20 mins together on a daily basis for one diaper change and a burp between his morning feedings. And while I really appreciate his paychecks, he has no idea how to take care of our son. There was a glitch in scheduling, so he's actually home tonight. He took Ollie in our room to take a nap. I can hear Ollie screaming, and I'm really fighting the urge to go in and scoop him up. H has to learn how to take care of his kid sometime, right? I get really sad and angry that H doesn't know what Ollie likes and dislikes by now. He has never spent the day with him on his own. H has no idea how much he's going to regret missing all this time with Ollie, and how badly he's hurting our marriage.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" -Mary OliverThis discussion has been closed.
Re: vent: H is useless
That really is sad. My husband is overseas for 7 months and would kill to not be missing out on this time with his little girl.
If he doesn't have a clue on what he's missing and the damage he's doing to your relationship, you need to lay it out for him. By not doing that, you aren't doing any better for Ollie, or for your marriage.
Does he work 12-12 by choice or is that just the nature of his job?
Do you work or are you a SAHM?
That's just his shift. He has no say because he's still a new guy. Right now, I'm a SAHM. I have an interview in the morning. I am seriously fighting with myself over working or not. Yes, I need the time out of the house and we could always use the money. But Ollie also needs to know that someone is going to be around for him. I am desperately trying to figure out a budget and some sort of schedule of things to do so I can SAH.
edit: I'm also thinking I'll need the job if we get divorced. I own both cars outright, but I wouldn't be able to pay rent and bills out of my savings very long.
Honestly, It sounds to me like you need to cut him a little slack. He works 12 hour shifts as your sole income. He is not actively choosing to spend time away from you and your son, he's trying to provide for his family.
If you see him struggling to connect with his son, help him...don't hold it against him.
Unless there is a lot more to it for you to throw out the word divorce, I think you need to give your husband some slack. Working 12 hour shifts isn't fun and, like you stated, he doesn't have a choice since he is the new guy. If you really do not want him to have this job then talk to him about finding another position for the sake of your family and marriage but as of right now he is supporting your family by doing what he is doing.
Since your husband doesn't have time to spend with your LO maybe he doesn't know what to do and needs to be guided. Men don't neccesarily have the instincts that we do as mother's.
His solution to being gone all the time was to find a part time job on top of his other job. He claims to have quit, but he still goes in pretty frequently. I'd rather deal with less money and know that Ollie and I are supported and loved.
Thank you for sticking up for H, though. He barely ever talks when I try and talk all this out with him.
Another reason why a letter might work in this case. Write I letter and slip it into his car before he leaves for work.
My H and I had a fight about this last weekend. I almost left for my mother's on Monday. My position is, if he's not going to spend time with us when he is home, and he has no desire to, why not just send us child support? At my Mom's I can be somewhere where I am supported and DD is loved and encouraged, and he would have us out of his hair.
He really didn't want us to go, and he's been trying to spend some quality time talking with me and holding DD when he gets home from work. We eat dinner together, and he gives her one of her evening bottles and holds her for a while. Then we try to watch a TV program together or read together after she goes to bed. It's been working so far, and I felt a lot better knowing that we are important to him. For a while, I really felt like we were more of an irritation to him than anything, and that was really hurtful.
DH is gone 12+ hours and is only really home for bedtime during the week (+a diaper change in the morning) - only now is he starting to feel the pinch of that... for guys I don't think they see what they are missing until LO "wakes up" and starts smiling and laughing and giggling for others.
DH has a side project that he works on in the evenings and on the weekend. What I found helped was to set expectations of when I wanted him to be around. For example, I want him in the house by 3pm to help out on the weekend... this lets me do things that I have trouble doing with J awake, and gives them time together.
I am a big fan of lifestyle and quality time being bigger than money... (obviously this is only true if you have enough to live coming in) - DH keeps talking about going to a job where he would be 3weeks on and 3weeks off... since he doesn't see himself staying home (with J) for his 3 weeks off I don't see that as a value added scenario for our family...
Maybe since you aren't working right now he feels pressure to provide for his family? Sees you as the caregiver and him as the breadwinner? In his own way is doing what he thinks is best? You need to get him on the same page as you... I find the occasional crying meltdown helps (not that I do it on purpose, but sometimes I just snap, and then DH gets mad that I let it build to that point, even though he just wasn't listening while it got there...)
Has he told you why he does or doesn't do certain things?
Are you able to check your anger when you talk so he isn't defensive? It also helped me to realize that DH rarely can share his thoughts right away. I generally also have to follow up with him later.
It's taken me a lot of hand holding and prodding for DH to do the things he should with DS. Even things as basic as - he's crying...'pick him up.
I probably would have poked DH to deal with the screaming LO, for example. Or literally giving him the baby an the bottle. Until it's routine.
ETA: I know it's frustrating and I'm sorry he is not more helpful. GL!
PG#1 - 3rd cycle BFP. Team Green. HELLP syndrome @ 34 weeks.
Later diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, possible link to HELLP.
PG#2 M/C 3/14 - Surprise BFP 2/13. Beta's doubled every 52 hours from 3w5d-5w5d
Viable pregnancy scan at 5w5d; 2nd u/s showed 2 days of growth in 7 but a HB of 120
3rd u/s on 3/10/14 had no HB and baby had only grown 7 days over 14
D&C 3/17/14 - complications - DX Retroflexed uterus, multiple tears to cervix
All Welcome
Chart
Seriously! I had to do the same thing. How do they not know this?!