Infertility/loss and shower invite?

pinktulips · June 2011

Another shower invite question. The guest of honor has one friend who is struggling with infertility after an ectopic pregnancy. All things baby make her sad right now.

The guest of honor suggested leaving her off the invite list to try to avoid causing her any more pain. But, this also means leaving others off the guest list, so the original friend doesn't find out there was a shower and was left out.

If sent an invite, she will probably come. But, again, the guest of honor doesn't want to be putting her in pain.

I suggested we send an invite, and then the guest of honor can let her know that she wanted to include her, but that it was understandable if she didn't want to come.

Guest of honor said that if she recieves the invite, she will feel obligated to come.

Now, if you followed that - you get a gold star!

What do you suggest? Send invite, or leave her (and other guests) out? If you are walking or have walked in her shoes, what would you have preferred?

MrsKatie · June 2011

I think it is up to the guest of honor, if she doesn't want her to get an invite, I wouldn't send one.

AimmeeJo · June 2011

I would send the invite and have the guest of honor contact her on the side and let her know she wanted to include her but completely understands if she doesn't come. Having gone through a loss I didn't like feeling like people were "avoiding" me or didn't want to hurt me by leaving me out of things, I prefer they just acknowledged it and went about things as normal. Its nice of her to be sensitive to it and think about her friend.

IdahoGirl · June 2011

I've been in exactly these shoes. I had a family friend who got pregnant with their #3 completely unplanned. A month before the shower, I lost my first pregnancy. It was a tough, tough time for me.

That having been said, I'd have been even MORE upset if I'd been left out of her shower.

So - if I were in your friend's shoes, I'd send the invite. That having been said - you really have to go with the wishes of the Guest of Honor in this case.

StellaZ · June 2011

I think the host needs to leave it up to the invitee - she knows herself better than anyone and should be allowed to decide if she's up for it or not. I was invited to attend a kids birthday party right after my loss - lots of babies and kids. I thought I might be sad but I went and had a really nice time. I would have been SO HURT had I been excluded.

My friend who has gone through MANY losses(and is now on the road to adoption) recently posted this: "A few years ago we went through some painful friend losses because people around us had kids and we did not. They avoided inviting us to events that were just for kids or families because we didn't meet their life circumstance. The lack of invites was often to "spare" us from feeling obligated to go to a potentially emotionally painful event. The way this really feels is that we're being punished further for not having kids. We want the option to come and your understanding if we don't feel up to it"

dawnies79 · June 2011

Oooh that's a toughie. My 2 cents; not inviting others to prevent the one friend from finding out it is a slippery slope. Obviously I don't know the details but the odds might be high that at least one of the friends not invited will find out. Especially with things like FB. It can be nearly impossible to keep things quiet if the friends are intertwined on social networking. The guest of honor may wind up hurting more than one friend's feelings. I feel so bad for the guest of honor. What a difficult situation.

MSTie24 · June 2011

My suggestion- and I haven't walked in these shoes so make of it what you will- would be for GoH to call the friend in advance and let her know that she'll be receiving an invite soon to the shower. Let her know that while you (you = the GoH) would love to see here there because she is such a special friend, you understand that it may be difficult for her and that she has your full support and understanding if she chooses not to come. If it were me I would say just ignore the RSVP date on the invite and take as much time as she needs to decide- and if she changes her mind one way or another last minute, that's okay too. If she elects not to come perhaps the two of them could GTG for a lunch or something privately without the pressure of being surrounded by baby things and baby talk. Just my $0.02.

suzie711 · June 2011

When I was going through IF, I found it hard to hear about other pregnancies/babies/kids etc. but I also did not want to feel excluded BECAUSE of IF.

That being said - there were a couple baby showers I didn't attend and just sent a gift to spare myself the pain - ultimately I think it should be left up to the guest whether or not she wants to attend. I would suggest sending the invite and let the guest of honor contact her to let her know it's her choice. Plus - that doesn't exclude other friends.

pinktulips · June 2011

Thanks ladies! You all said exactly what I was thinking. I shared your thoughts with the guest of honor and agrees that sending the invite would be best.

Seattle_JiLLn · June 2011

Although you should respect the wishes of the mom to be, I think she is off base. Excluding the friend can and will be more hurtful. She can decide for herself if she wants to go and can handle it. But to go to the extent of trying to hide the shower by excluding other friends too seems really extreme. She is a grown woman. She knows her friend is pregnant. It's not anyone elses job to shield her from the world. She should be invited. I think a nice way to handle it soul be for the mom to be to write a handwritten note and put it in the invitation saying something like "I would love for you to be with us but I know it might be too hard right now so I will understand if you're not up for it... Please know that I've been thinking if you and I am here for you..."

tst1998 · June 2011

I'm going through this now, as we continue to struggle with IF and my friends continue to get pregnant. They have included me in everything (showers, birthday parties, etc) but have also been incredibly understanding when I opt out.

I would be extremely upset (possibly friendship-ending-upset depending on how close we were) if I found out they were purposely excluding me. It is not for them to decide whether or not I would be upset. I feel like I'm already missing out on so many things not having a baby of my own. I would hate it if I had to miss out on these important moments for my friends because someone else thought I would be upset.

MrsH_08 · June 2011

The other ladies mostly covered it, but I agree with letting the friend decide for herself. I have walked in those shoes, too. At the same time as my m/c last year, I got a baby shower invite (from someone here, actually). She did contact me first, personally, and let me know that she'd understand if it was too hard, but she wanted me to be invited. I really appreciated that, as well as knowing that she wanted me to attend. I did attend the shower because I still wanted to celebrate her and her little one on the way.

StellaZ:
My friend who has gone through MANY losses(and is now on the road to adoption) recently posted this: "A few years ago we went through some painful friend losses because people around us had kids and we did not. They avoided inviting us to events that were just for kids or families because we didn't meet their life circumstance. The lack of invites was often to "spare" us from feeling obligated to go to a potentially emotionally painful event. The way this really feels is that we're being punished further for not having kids. We want the option to come and your understanding if we don't feel up to it"

This is sad, but they expressed it well. It's interesting that they understand why it happened, and how their friends really didn't understand or handle it well.

angieez · June 2011

Being someone who has gone through infertility I would definitely be more hurt if my friends were not including me on purpose. It's like adding insult to injury, IMO. I really like your suggestion about sending the invite and having the guest of honor calling and just acknowledging her feelings and saying she understands if she can't come but wanted to include her. That shows that she cares about her friends feeling way more than just not inviting her.

TwinMommy09 · June 2011

When I was going through IF it felt just as bad to not be included to spare my feelings. Honestly, it's hard because when dealing with IF you really want to be happy for others, life just seems unfair. If she knows that the friend is pg chances are she knows there will be a shower - she will figure it out and feel left out IMO. I would send her one if the guest of honor wants to she can contact her.

IMO the friend that is pg needs just as much support as someone who is dealing with IF - it is just different kind of support. And being included or not in the shower will both have their pros/cons - the friend already feels pain that someone else is pg and she is not, the guest of honor cant' control that or feel bad for how she has made this person feel.

When I was going through it the hardest thing to hear were those that took pg for granted. It wasn't the people excited that they are pg and talking about what a miracle babies are - that helped me. The comments like "I hate being pg" or "when will this be over" "oh man I hope I'm not pg right now that would suck" - things like that are different than "I just love this little baby already". Everyone is different... but showers are a celebration for the little miracles that are babies.

TwinMommy09 · June 2011

StellaZ:

I think the host needs to leave it up to the invitee - she knows herself better than anyone and should be allowed to decide if she's up for it or not. I was invited to attend a kids birthday party right after my loss - lots of babies and kids. I thought I might be sad but I went and had a really nice time. I would have been SO HURT had I been excluded.

My friend who has gone through MANY losses(and is now on the road to adoption) recently posted this: "A few years ago we went through some painful friend losses because people around us had kids and we did not. They avoided inviting us to events that were just for kids or families because we didn't meet their life circumstance. The lack of invites was often to "spare" us from feeling obligated to go to a potentially emotionally painful event. The way this really feels is that we're being punished further for not having kids. We want the option to come and your understanding if we don't feel up to it"

I just love that friend of ours... she's amazing and spot on.

Infertility/loss and shower invite?

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