How to talk to little girls

legaleagles · June 2011

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html?ref=email_share

Interesting and brief article my mom just forwarded me. Seems intuitive to me, but as I thought about it, I realize I do sometimes raise the pitch of my voice, and have less than intelligent conversations with little kids and little girls. Just something to be more conscious of, I guess.

ladipale · June 2011

I saw that last night and couldn't decide how I felt about it. First, why call attention only to girls? Don't we need to talk to boys in a similar fashion?

I have always asked little kids what they are learning about, what their favorite subject is in school, but maybe that's because I am a nerd and love learning and school myself. And I hope that the way I live, taking good care of myself by eating healthy, exercising, etc. and continuing to be successful in the workplace will teach Ellie, and my nephews, and other kids in my life, that its better to be smart than hot. I mean, John and I walk around signing songs about the elements, the sun and electric cars! I guess next we need to find a kids album about lawyers.

Lately I have realized that I need to stop talking so badly about my post baby body. I hate my body right now, but I need to make sure Ellie doesn't ever know that, KWIM?

futrkingsley · June 2011

It's so hard and so important at the same time. We have 9 nieces and nephews of greatly varying size though of really similar ages. The comments they all get from their families, man the crap starts young. One niece is very tall and heavy, like made of cement heavy (not in a bad way because she's not fat, just like she's wearing brick shoes!) and another niece on the same side of the family is the most petite light as a feather thing you'll meet. It's so so hard to get past the physical and get to the real stuff and that's just two girls! Not to mention getting to the real stuff with all the nephews. Getting past the jumping and tackling and shooting to have a real conversation and not jumping to immediate stereo types about boys will be boys or rough housing is okay for them but not their sisters. Every family gathering makes me crave a tall, strong drink just to mentally recover!

And then later, I remember that as the only girl in a family of brothers and boy cousins, 70% of the comments I heard growing up were about my appearance and my outfits. The biggest offender was my own mother. And I am not a self concious person overly concerned with my appearance. I am not nor do I want to be a princess despite years of family brainwashing. The kids will likely be okay.

legaleagles · June 2011

ladipale:
I saw that last night and couldn't decide how I felt about it. First, why call attention only to girls? Don't we need to talk to boys in a similar fashion?
I have always asked little kids what they are learning about, what their favorite subject is in school, but maybe that's because I am a nerd and love learning and school myself. And I hope that the way I live, taking good care of myself by eating healthy, exercising, etc. and continuing to be successful in the workplace will teach Ellie, and my nephews, and other kids in my life, that its better to be smart than hot. I mean, John and I walk around signing songs about the elements, the sun and electric cars! I guess next we need to find a kids album about lawyers.
Lately I have realized that I need to stop talking so badly about my post baby body. I hate my body right now, but I need to make sure Ellie doesn't ever know that, KWIM?

I thought the same about the boys as well - I think she has some good points and things to be aware of, but we should be conscious and aware of similar thing (and not stereotyping) with little boys as well.

I think, regardless of gender, it's important to find what kids are interested in and fuel that, and also introduce them to new things.

I am very concerned about how I'll be after I have the baby and how I talk about my body. I have always hated my body, I don't love my pregnant body and have days where I say terrible things about it (not bump related) and I worry about continuing that after she's here and as she grows up. God willing she'll have Alex's metabolism and wont be cursed with my hips and thunder thighs, but if she is shaped like me, want her to embrace who she is, what her body can do, what is beautiful and awesome about it, not focus on what she wants to change - but if I can't do that for myself, how do I expect her to?

LOL - I'll have to scope out some lawyerly kiddie songs . I've jotted down the albums you've posted on FB and can't wait to listen to them and play them for her. These two lawyer parents would be thrilled with a scientist daughter

ladipale · June 2011

legaleagles:
LOL - I'll have to scope out some lawyerly kiddie songs . I've jotted down the albums you've posted on FB and can't wait to listen to them and play them for her. These two lawyer parents would be thrilled with a scientist daughter

The only thing we thought of was "I'm Just a Bill" from School House Rock

legaleagles · June 2011

I'm so worried about being a horrible influence on my daughter because of my own self-esteem problems. If my daughter ever spoke about herself the way I do about myself I'd ground her for life . I am awful to myself (I clearly recognize it), but if any of my friends, daughters, daughters of friend said similar things about themselves I'd be devastated. I'm obsessed with being skinny and think skinny equals beautiful (well really I only feel those rules apply to me) and have wreaked havoc on my body to get there (and I never did - got close, but it wasn't healthy or sustainable) and could have died because of it, part of it is just me, but I know part of it is the media and I don't know how to protect her from that - we can't put her in a bubble and never let her watch TV, see a magazine, be exposed to any kind of media.

Uggh it's so hard and scary and I don't know how I'll protect her from all that.

Sorry for the tangent.

legaleagles · June 2011

ladipale:
legaleagles:
LOL - I'll have to scope out some lawyerly kiddie songs . I've jotted down the albums you've posted on FB and can't wait to listen to them and play them for her. These two lawyer parents would be thrilled with a scientist daughter
The only thing we thought of was "I'm Just a Bill" from School House Rock

Maybe we'll have to write some of our own.

futrkingsley · June 2011

legaleagles:

I'm so worried about being a horrible influence on my daughter because of my own self-esteem problems. If my daughter ever spoke about herself the way I do about myself I'd ground her for life . I am awful to myself (I clearly recognize it), but if any of my friends, daughters, daughters of friend said similar things about themselves I'd be devastated. I'm obsessed with being skinny and think skinny equals beautiful (well really I only feel those rules apply to me) and have wreaked havoc on my body to get there (and I never did - got close, but it wasn't healthy or sustainable) and could have died because of it, part of it is just me, but I know part of it is the media and I don't know how to protect her from that - we can't put her in a bubble and never let her watch TV, see a magazine, be exposed to any kind of media.

Uggh it's so hard and scary and I don't know how I'll protect her from all that.

Sorry for the tangent.

You won't be able to protect her from it. She's going to feel it coming from you. She's going to see it in other people. It's going to take work to keep your issue from becoming her issue.

My mother is overweight, as am I. We have both lost decent amounts (her more than me), and gained it back more than once. The difference is that my mother internally and externally doesn't like fat people, herself included. I don't care other than that I know it has serious health impacts I'd like to avoid. I'm generally equally happy with myself at my current weight or 30 lbs smaller. I know absolutely that my mother prefers the smaller me. But I don't care. But that's all my dad -- he was absolutely my biggest cheerleader in self acceptance and esteem.

So maybe talk to your DH honestly about how he can help you both. He could help by making sure he doesn't focus on your postpartum weight loss, for praising your bodies ability to do this hard thing (making another person), by valuing his daughter for qualities other than her weight/size.

mandy0505 · June 2011

I really thought this was a great article but would apply it equally to boys as girls

Mrs_Shmoopie · June 2011

Hmm... interesting article although I found her tone rather smug. "Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it."

Overall, though, I agree w/the sentiment. We do try to talk to J like he's an actual person (a little person, granted, but a person nonetheless). And we try not to focus too much on looks and I try not to make it something I say when I meet a child for the first time. (And I am aware of how often it is the focus of conversation when speaking to a little girl). But, on the other side, my brother and I both received a lot of positive reinforcement about our looks growing up. And, I can't speak for my brother, but I have pretty decent self-esteem in that department. So, while it did get brought up in my home and my parents did tell me I was pretty or beautiful or whatever, I also heard about how smart I was and what a great job I was doing in school, etc. So, if I'm ever lucky enough to have a daughter, I probably will tell her how beautiful I think she is. I'll just make sure that she knows that's not the only thing about her that matters.

tri-reader · June 2011

Interesting article. It's funny, when I talk to DD and her school friends I don't think I've ever said anything about their looks/dress. Unless maybe to point out a character to DS like so and so is wearing an Elmo shirt. Most of the time it's just talking about day to day things...what they're doing for the weekend or did last weekend etc. And when friends come over they're basically chatting with her about day to day things as well. So in my situation I've never really had a problem with that. I mean on special occasions when she dresses up people will say "You look nice, I like that dress."

As for body image. I've noticed I've gained weight in places I didn't want this pg. But I never say anything (not that I complain too much) until the kids have gone to bed. Right now my kids don't know about weight.

We try to set good examples for both genders, showing how being active is good for our bodies. We talk about food and why we eat each food group and what part of our bodies benefit from the food. They don't think candy and chips are fattening. They know that too much candy isn't good for your teeth and chips don't provide much to benefit our bodies. I feel talking to the kids about why we eat and what we eat will help with choices they make in the future.

Sorry if this got all rambling, but I'm really sad about society's pressure on girls looks and it's sad that we have to start so young making sure our daughters don't fall into that cycle.

scrapmama2201 · June 2011

Unfortunately, while this article is an ideal situation: address girls and acknowledge other positives, in this day and age, completely negating any positive remarks about beauty or looks could prove to be equally damaging, no? And by 5, I am quite certain that little girl has already picked up on more than the author and her parents think. It is sad. And while I am slightly comforted in having boys, their struggles with masculinity and athleticism scare me just as much as girls and beauty.

I feel that sports saved me from a great deal of self esteem issues. Granted, I don't have the strongest self esteem but I have what I've got thanks to sports.

ladipale · June 2011

scrapmama2201:
Unfortunately, while this article is an ideal situation: address girls and acknowledge other positives, in this day and age, completely negating any positive remarks about beauty or looks could prove to be equally damaging, no? And by 5, I am quite certain that little girl has already picked up on more than the author and her parents think. It is sad. And while I am slightly comforted in having boys, their struggles with masculinity and athleticism scare me just as much as girls and beauty.

I feel that sports saved me from a great deal of self esteem issues. Granted, I don't have the strongest self esteem but I have what I've got thanks to sports.

I agree with this for me as well, and these days I find myself most confident when I'm in shape and working out and competing regularly.

And, for me, I think my single sex education really helped me with my self esteem and confidence in a male dominated field. We will strongly encourage Ellie to go to all girls school for high school.

dirtbikemom · June 2011

It is funny as someone who recently under went a procedure to make myself look better the procedure was all about me and not what others thought about me. My DD is 4 1/2 and I don't think she has any concept about looks or weight right now. In the future if DD asks me about anything I'll be very honest with her about why I did certain things.

My DD is on the bigger side in both height and weight. She is at the age where she picks her own clothes and if she picks something that clashes I always tell her she is smart and beautiful. This might change when she gets into Kindergarten but she is kind of like me right now where she doesn't care about that stuff. I don't wear makeup or do my hair (other than color it) so she doesn't see me do these things so she doesn't ask or talk about it.

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