WWYD - Long...
ITGurl0626
member
I'm mainly a lurker but am seeking some guidance from you more experienced ladies when it comes to blended families. My DH's oldest son just graduated from HS (he lives out of state about 2 hours away). SS wants to go to college and play basketball, but since his GPA was not all that great his best bet would be to go to a community college then transfer to a 4 year university.
My SS is going to visit a local community college where we live (we live in MD, SS lives in WV) & work out with the school's basketball team. BM called my DH and wanted to talk to him about living arrangements for SS if he decided to go to the community college where we live. She said that if SS couldn't live with us then she wanted DH to help her pay for an apartment (rent, utilities, food, clothing - the whole 9 yards).
DH let BM know flat out that he was not going to support his son in that manner & if he was going to live with us he would need to get a job because we are not going to support him 100% either.
Here are the things that I take issue with:
- DH and I just had a baby, our financial situation has now changed greatly due to the fact that we now pay for day care, formula, diapers, wipes, etc. Another mouth to feed in our house is going to put a serious strain on us as it is.
- I'm annoyed at BM & DH discussing potential plans but not running it by me first.
- The house we live in is actually my house....I bought this house several years before DH and I even started dating. I am feeling very territorial at the moment thinking about SS possibly living with us. I can't stand overnight guests, let alone someone living with us. (DH knows I hate overnight guests)
- SS and I don't have a relationship at all. All I am to him is his father's wife.
Nothing is in stone yet about whether SS is going to go to our local community college or not. Everything is up in the air but I have a feeling that I need to speak up. I am not fond of the idea of my SS living with us, he can go to a local community college in WV where he lives.
BM has spoiled SS all his life and has never encouraged him to get a job because she has these ghetto hoop dreams thinking her son is going to make it big in basketball. So all BM does is keep signing SS up in basketball leagues everytime he got kicked off the school team for bad grades. I am concerned that if SS ends up living with us he will get a straight up reality check & problems may arise. I like the quiet peaceful life I currently have with my DH & baby.
Should I speak up now or wait until we know SS's plans for sure?
Re: WWYD - Long...
Yeah...you're right, I'll hold off until we know for sure if SS wants to go to school where we live.
How old is your SS?
Does DH pay Child Support?
Does DH have a custody order/does DH spend time with his son?
Are you planning on kicking your DD out of your house because you don't like overnight guests? And will you stop supporting your DD because she is in her first year of college?
I think you should speak up now. If BM & SS know you are not on board with the plan for SS to live with you then it might affect their decision for him to go to the community college in your town. They will have time to make another arrangement. Hopefully, they will choose another location.
Young adults make a multitude of mistakes during this age and during college. They are 18 and feel you shouldn't tell them what to do anymore, they have late/inconsistent schedules. He will also want you and his dad to bail him out when he makes poor decisions. If you don't have a relationship with SS, and BM has spoiled him, and you have a new baby - this sounds like a recipe for disaster.
I would be VERY upset that no one discussed with you first. They are making plans to turn your life upside down. You could still show your support of SSs college plan by researching and helping BM/SS sign up for financial aid which will pay for his housing/meal tickets, etc. He does not need a free place to stay or a paid for apartment. He is 18 yrs old and needs to get a job and work through school and learn how to be a man. My 14 yr old son spent the weekend bailing hay and earning money. Why do people wait until the day before their kids step out of the house/turn 18 to teach them this kind of responsibility?
I wish you the best of luck. That sounds like a tough situation!
OMG THIS!
I get wanting to make arrangements with your SS for him to be responsible and contribute to your household, but this is your DH's SON for crying out loud. he's not an overnight guest, he's FAMILY. When you married this man you knew he had a child. Period. You can't be "territorial" in that way anymore....your house is your husband's house and your husband's house SHOULD be a welcoming home for his child.
My SS is 18 years old and my DH does pay child support. BM & my DH never had a court ordered custody agreement/visitation schedule, they worked well together.
As far as kicking my DD out....you know that is a bit far fetched. So no need in addressing that any further.
I would feel differently about this situation if I had some sort of relationship with my SS, but I have none - his choice. I have tried reaching out to my SS but he is very non-chalant towards me.
thanks for your feedback anyways...
I can totally understand why you are feeling the way that you are. You've just had a baby and that's life changing in itself, and having your nearly adult SS move in would be a huge adjustment. I would be more than a little annoyed if I wasn't consulted with any of the planning either.
That being said, he is your DH's son and I think offering him a place to stay is the right thing to do. On the bright side, you may develop a lovely relationship with your SS that you previously never had.
I would talk with your DH and let him know that this is a big decision and that you want to be a part of the decision making process, considering how much it effects you as well. It's not fair for a decision to be made without your input. But I also don't think it's fair for you to close off your home to SS.
Good luck!
This exactly. You totally understand my concerns. My DH is fully aware of how the BM has spoiled their son & bails him out instead of teaching him how to do for himself. My SS is 18 years old and has never had a job, no driver's license, & has never been held acountablefo his mistakes. It's one thing if SS has expressed an interest in getting a job & going to school - but all he is worried about is playing basketball.
I offered to help research schools & help with filling out the FAFSA for financial aid. It all fell on deaf ears. The new school year will be starting in like 2 months or so & no one has done anything. BM is still worried about where SS is going to play basketball.
This is exactly why I am not too thrilled about SS possibly staying with us. It would be different if he was more responsible & worried about getting an education instead of where he is going to play basketball.
This sooo tough! take a deep breath and definately have a sit down with your hubby...
Every situation is completely different, so the fact that your ss is 18 and you have no relationship sucks. you should come up with a solution with husband perhaps with a plan A and Plan B... perhaps plan A if he moves in there will be rules he has to follow, getting a job, chores etc... Plan B if he doesnt move in your husband will have to def pay towards his tuition or expenses along with BM.. every state is diff. I think in NJ is till age 23 if they are in college. Best wishes and hang in there
hugs
Good points. In addition to what lambdalady4 said, here is a link with helpful information about CS laws and college for all states. https://divorcesupport.about.com/od/childsupportresources/a/childsupportcol.htm
I do think you and DH should support SS in his college efforts, but that does not mean he has to live with you. 18 year olds (including myself when I went to college) do not want to follow house rules, be told what to do or held accountable. Don't you know that they already know everything and are smarter than you could ever be? lol
Living in a dorm or renting a room with other students allows them to make mistakes without their parents judging them at all turns. It gives them an opportunity to learn social skills (how to get on with their peers). The way it was put to my father when I was in college:
"If she gets a flat tire, fixes it, then tells you about it during your evening phone call with her it is much easier on the parent vs. walking out in the driveway, seeing the flat tire, walking back in the house to tell her, offering to fix it, worrying about the flat tire etc..etc..." This gave me the opportunity to be self reliant. Also, my dad could say good job solving my own problem at the end of the day. He didn't have to worry about the tire because it was already handled by the time he found out about it. I hope that makes sense. Easier to say than type sometimes!
First, if you are a lurker, then you must know that I have a slightly entitlement issued SS and guilt ridden DH, so I DO totally understand the place where you are STARTING from. Who wants to deal with a child, teenager and now grown man who doesnt care for you...
Second, I DO understand that different relationship many women and men have with their biological vs their step children. Just like ALL relationships, a step relationship is based on experiences together, time, personalities and mutual effort.
HOWEVER, it is not farfetched to think about how you treat the child with your DH and his child from a previous marriage. THEY ARE BOTH HIS KIDS.
Are you willing to bet your marriage that he will be peachy-keen okay with providing one child more than the other? Do you honestly believe that 17 years from now, when you are NOT pulling this hard line with your DD, that he is not going to resent you just a little bit?
My DH offered to send SS home once. It was after he physically assualted (well, not quite assulted, but lets just say I was very scared of him). DH was very much willing to do so. And truth be told, life over hte past 2 years would have been blessedly easier, calmer and more fun.
But I knew that my marriage would not have survived in the long run. Because every time we did something with Monkey, he would wonder and wish.
And even though life HAS been hard, and SS STILL (as in less then 48 hours) gives us major ass grief, the work we have put into SS (yes...DH's parenting is a work in progress too) has paid off in both SS's growth and our marriage.
I'm not going to judge your situation with your SS because I have a very strained almost non existent relationship with mine as well and for very good reason. SD is not a prize either and I am not thrilled with the idea of either of them potentially moving back so we can help them thru yet another tough spot. There is usually more to the situation than you can even begin to say here, so I am going to assume you are in a similar boat and sympathize with your situation.
I'd say something now to your husband to simply let him know where you stand on this. "If there is any chance of him moving here, I'd like a say in this, and we WILL have rules. Let me know when and if we need to sit down and discuss that." And leave it at that. If it's completely out of the question, then you better get that out now and have good reason why.
IF (and I do mean a big fat IF) he moves in with you, I'd make sure you and your DH set some firm rules that revolve around making him more responsible. Like:
1. Before he even mose in, let him know that this is only temporary. There should be a timeframe he can stay and then get a place of his own like most college kids WANT to do.
2. Make him share responsibility/chores around the house as well as pay rent while he's there. He should not live for free.
3. He should be required to have a job.
4. If he doesn't have a car, he dang better well work on saving and getting his own and fast or realize he has to take the bus.
5. Three strikes, your out.
It's your home, you can make up any other rules you want, but I'd get them all out there and written AND signed by all parties before he arrives.
Thank you for this. I had a talk with DH last night and I brought up all of these points. DH totally agrees and is on board about SS getting a part time job & learning some independence. DH also said that if SS gets bad grades, he will be going back home to WV to stay with his mom.
We don't mind helping him out but SS needs to learn the ways of the world. He has been living in la-la land with his mother. All BM is worried about is where SS is going to play basketball, nevermind that his grades weren't great (SS graduated with a 1.7 GPA). Which is why he will need to go to a community college first, no universities will touch him with that GPA.
So far it is still up in the air, nothing definite yet. But I am glad I laid out my concerns ahead of time with my DH. He seems to be on board of the ground rules I talked about. Who knows....SS might decide he doesn't want to live with us once he hears about the ground rules!
Thanks everyone for your replies....
I understand that it is frustrating to have a teen who is not responsible or aware of what it is like in the real world. I have a 16 yo SS who is very unaware of the real world. However, you have to be realistic here. You cannot throw him to the wolves so to speak and expect him to succeed.
You have said he has bad grades and plays basketball. That he doesnt' drive or have a job. I would think he isn't partying it up, I mean that would require transportation and some sort of income. Is he a known partier? Is he a known rule breaker? Does he routinely show defiant behavior?
I think that you are putting the cart before the horse here in assuming he is going to be some sort of giant PITA rule breaker badass.
I also don't agree with making him pay rent, if grades are so so important. I worked 3 jobs through college, and it was hard to squeek by. It was really hard to find time to work and do my school work. It sucked and it eventually led to me just giving up on school. I couldn't do both. I am sure there are some kids who can, but I don't think your SS is one of them. And if he is playing basketball he won't have time for much else.
I tend to think you are expecting something unrealistic when you say you have no bond with SS. He is a teenager, they don't bond with many people at all, and he has no reason to bond with you. There are not going to be warm fuzzies for the most part. The more time you spend together the better, but at the same time if your attitude is that you don't want him there, he WILL know that and it will not help your relationship. No matter how hard you try to hide it he will know it.