Generic parenting question

FutureMrsWittig · June 2011

I'm sure I could post this on the Parenting boards, but I'd like to get your perspectives, since the blended family does bring a kind of unique challenge on this (as well as pretty much every parenting) front.

How do you teach your kids to take care of their belongings?

SD is 8, but I feel she is very irresponsible with her things (that being toys, clothes, pretty much anything that belongs to her). She loses everything, leaves things where they get stepped on and torn up, etc...

BM is also really bad about this though. Her car is so trashed on the inside you literally cannot see the floor boards anywhere but the driver's seat. She somehow managed to lose SDs car seat in there!

My IL's spoil SD and like to buy her expensive things (ie: a Nook for Christmas last year), but we really can't let her have things like that. They get destroyed.

So, I'm curious, how did you teach your kids to be responsible with their things (especially if it's not a message that was enforced "from both sides of the line")?

+j+k+ · June 2011

We took it away or did not replace it. And we quit buying expensive things until she learned to take care of what she had.

It sounds tho like your issue is other people as well. Somehow you have to get the IL's to stop spoiling her. Let them know she does not take care of her things and their money is going to waste. And the BM...good luck. She'll be a tougher egg, but see if you can work with her as well on teaching her responsibility.

You have to keep working kids like this, and give them opportunities to prove they are ready to take care of something. Make her earn something. Start small and work your way up to larger, more expensive things as she proves herself. When she wants something significant - make her do something around the house that is a challenge and where she gets paid. You hang on to the money, but she earns it thru work. She can see results in her hard work AND earn that item that she needs to take care of. Then when she gets the item, that day sit down with her and discuss the importance of taking care of it and being responsible and how you go about doing that for that particular item. Make sure she knows your expectations. Failure to do so, she risks having nothing nice or new until she can. When she starts neglecting it, take it away, discuss again and then make her earn it back.

Again - you have to get other family member's buy in. I would also not let her take certain things to her mother's. You can make that choice as to what that is, but it's apparent she is learning that behavior from her.

Good luck.

Banana44 · June 2011

I don't know if this will help - but I'll tell you what we do.

SS is 8 and he is always telling us how he loses things at BMS or can't find this or that - I odn't know if it is him or her.

Either way - at our house - he is irresponsible. He has left books, balls, toys, even shoes at neighbors houses. He leaves his things laying around so that DD can get her little grimy hands on them. And what we do is allow natural consequences to happen! If we are leaving baseball and I notice he doesn't have his glove - I will kindly remind him - so I'm not all evil.

But if he leaves his PSP on my couch and his sister picks it up and then he cries to me - I ask him who left something within DD's reach?? He picks up after himself much better now.

I also won't replace lost items. If he leaves his book at his friends - he needs to remember where he left it and get it back.

Part of the problem with my SS is that his BM picks up after him, gets all his things otgether and does not expetc him to do for himself.

Part of his irresponsibility is also his age - and I don't expect him to be perfect - but he is much better now that I don't pick up after him and fix all the issues!

kali131 · June 2011

I agree with PP's.

We are having the same problem. We took away all of the toys and they are earned back. If something is mistreated, it gets taken away or thrown away. We also spoke with the IL's and asked that for gifts for birthdays and Christmas, that the kids need new clothing and crafts instead of Barbies and Zui Zui pets. We've found that previous Christmas they were spoiled by the IL's and we've spoken to them about it and they are all on board (we are lucky in that capacity)

Good luck and I also recommend the book "How to Talk so Kids Listen and How to Listen So Kids Talk". It has a lot great examples and ways of dealing (calmly) with these sorts of things... from toddler to teenager.

xmaryrickx · June 2011

I agree with Banana and the natural consequences. If they lose/break/cause damage to their stuff through their irresponsibility it is their problem.

With SS, he was always a hot mess, and made our house a hot mess. After repeatedly telling him to pick up, put away, etc, I finally had enough and told him if he left stuff where it didnt' belong I would take it. It didn't help. Even a little bit. So, I am all for the natural consequences. If she loses/breaks her Nook, she doesn't get a new one.

BareBethC · June 2011

My SS is often the same way. He leaves things places and just generally does not even think to pick up after himself, as BM picks up after him and he does not have to clean his own room at her house. We also go with the natural consequences thing, if things get lost, they do not get replaced. If he mistreats toys, they get taken away and he has to earn them back, and if he repeatedly mistreats toys then I tell him we have to donate it to Goodwill or Salvation Army, because there are children out there less fortunate that would love to have that toy. That seems to have made him appreciate his things a little more! And he's also really into donating things now that he does not use anymore lol. So that kind of works as a double whammy- he appreciates what he has more and wants to help others.

karatechrissy · June 2011

SS is 5. His mom cleans his room, her parents wait on him hand and foot. It has been a definite struggle to get him to 'take responsibility'. He knows he has to clean his room or he doesn't get to do something he wants to do. Want to swim? Is ur room clean? When we find broken toys, they go in the garbage. We don't care what it is. SS knows this as well. He knows our boxer eats shoes, and shoes go in the closet when we come home. He left his flip flops out this last week and sure enough, dog ate half of one. He was really upset but understood it was his fault. Bought him another pair, with the understanding that if it happens again he has to pay for the next pair. His argument? 'but, I'm 5. O don't have a job!' lol. He gets to clean his toilet! Hahaha. He is actually pretty good about it. He will see a toy that got stepped on an broke an will say 'ugh, darn. I didn't put it away. I'll go put it in the trash' he doesn't cry or whine. He has made conscious efforts to keep his things away and nice. I have seen him walk away from something, then that little light bulb goes off in his head and he will turn around and pick it up. It took a lot of time to get to this point. Come up w a system that works for you and enforce it. Every.single.time.

FutureMrsWittig · June 2011

SD wanted this American Girl doll SO bad. We told her she had to save for half of it and then we would pay the other half. She ended up getting the doll for Christmas from Santa. Then my MIL went out and bought her TWO more dolls. ($100 dolls for those who aren't familiar). SD doesn't take care of the first one so the other two are in their boxes on the shelf in the closet.

These are good suggestions. I think the thing that stands out to me the most is the donating toys that aren't being cared for. SD has real difficulty getting rid of anything, so I think if she had to give away some things, that would probably get through pretty quickly.

Kali: thanks for the book suggestion. I'll definitely pick it up!

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