is this a battle worth fighting?

mdotm0904 · June 2011

i've posted here a couple of times before and think i may have even brought this up a few months back but things kinda changed slightly so thought i'd ask again. my ex (boyfriend) & i have come to a place where we can try to move forward to have a peaceful co-parenting relationship once my daughter gets here (which is all i ever wanted).

However, there's one thing we have constantly been fighting about, what my daughter's last name will be. i want to give her my last name. he's mentioned terminating his parental rights or just not signing off on the birth certificate if she doesn't have his name. But says that he truly wants to be a part of her life just like with his other kids. but in order to do that she needs to have his last name. i asked about hyphenation because i feel like that's the only fair way to compromise. again he still says no.

i grew up not having the same last name as my mom. and honestly as a child, it bothered me.it might not be a big deal to some, but it was to me! i never planned on having children out of wedlock (so the name would automatically take care of itself). I didn't think it'd be a big deal to give her my name as it's 2011 & people are breaking traditon all over. But most of my family & friends are under the impression that a child should have the father's last name. and that it's not fair to take that "right" away from a father.

i don't think i'm being spiteful or unfair by wanting to give her my name (or both of our names). he says i picked the first & middle names, the least he could do is get the last name. i told him that i'm not opposed to changing it down the line (AFTER he's proven himself to be a good father to her! i know it'll be easier to change her name to his from mine as opposed to the other way around because he can contest it) But he wants it his way from the jump.

I guess i'm just having a hard time understanding WHY he won't compromise. if it's a male ego thing i feel like that needs to be put to the side if it's supposed to be about the child. And i don't think this has to be a "someone wins, someone loses" battle...there are compromisable options! And who walks away from their child just because of what her name is (or isn't?).

A part of me wants to stick with my original plan of giving her my name and just dealing with whatever ramifications may come from it in the future. But i'm not sure if that's just me not thinking this all the way through.

So i'm wondering am i picking the wrong battles to fight? should i give her his name & be done with it? I know that I'll love her regardless of what her name is, but this is something that's really important to me.

dimake · June 2011

I'd double-check the laws in your state, or check with a lawyer, but I don't believe that he can just terminate his rights just for the hell of it. I also don't believe he needs to sign off on the birth certificate. If I recall correctly, if you can't put him on the BC, then the state will take care of the paternity verification...

If he's going to be a crappy dad because you don't give your LO his last name, he's going to be a crappy dad anyway.

mdotm0904 · June 2011

dimake:
I'd double-check the laws in your state, or check with a lawyer, but I don't believe that he can just terminate his rights just for the hell of it. I also don't believe he needs to sign off on the birth certificate. If I recall correctly, if you can't put him on the BC, then the state will take care of the paternity verification...
If he's going to be a crappy dad because you don't give your LO his last name, he's going to be a crappy dad anyway.

yeah i've already spoken to a lawyer who says he can't terminate his rights (he's sworn that a lawyer told him that he can). and i don't really care whether he signs the BC either way because i still plan to file for child support...just makes it easier if he signs off then have to go through establishing paternity.

cautionwillburneyes · June 2011

I think you have valid feelings and arguments for giving your baby your last name. I say go for it and give her your name.

I actually have full custody of my 2 boys and they requested that when I changed my name that I change their names too so they would be the same as mine. I felt that they were old enough to understand that request and ended up doing it. I haven't regretted it at all and neither have they.

BostonGayGal · June 2011

Don't let him manipulate you. THe parent awake at 2AM when the child has the flu is the parent.

Offering to hyphenate is more than reasonable (and more than I would so). Give the child your last name. He can't do ***. Feel free to tell him that you will one day tell your daughter that he wouldn't even sign the bc(even though telling a child that is inappropriate and you shouldn't). He can't sign away his rights, he can only deny visitation. If he wants to be petty like that, he can go screw.

jaksmom8808 · June 2011

I'm in the process of changing my sons name to my maiden name, they are changing both of ours at the same time. I feel that since i'm the primary care giver and his father isn't around that we should have the same name. Then whenever I remarry down the road I'll hyphen my name so that we still have the same last name.

I agree with the other posters that if he's ready to walk away over a name then he may be just as likely to walk away over something else and still be a crappy father.

krgrimes · June 2011

My baby's father did the same thing. he swore up and down he'd love her and be there for her and thought that since I picked the 1st and middle names he should get the last name, as if she were a pet, and not our baby daughter. I waw hesitant because I know the kind of personn that he is. I didn't want my daughter to have to ask why she was given the name of the guy that abandoned her, or why she didn't have mine. In the end I gave her mine. WE are a family that he is not a part of by choice. I thin men just want something to stamp their name on, even if they aren't particularly attached to it. I never even entertained the thought of giving her his last name, and am so glad for it. A hyphenated last name is more than generous, and in this day in age, a great compromise. What makes the mans name any better than the women's? nothing. I say just give your child your last name. If he's threatening to walk away already, he probably won't be around anyay, so save yourself the regret and the hassel of fighting about it later and give your child your name.

ShanJosh777 · June 2011

Yes, it is a battle worth fighting. It is your child's name that she will have for the rest of her life. Give her your last name. There is no reason that he can't be an involved father because of the last name, that is crazy. And like you said, if you give her his last name then he disappears, it will be much harder for you to change it.

I've never heard anyone say they regret giving the child their last name, but plenty of people regret giving the child the uninvolved father's last name.

sweetie0228 · June 2011

It's kinda funny...the nurses always give you the paperwork to fill out for the BC and SS when you are completely alone. He doesn't need to sign it.

The more important paper he needs to sign is the Affidavit of Paternity. MAKE HIM SIGN THAT if you don't want to go through a DNA testing thing but really that's not even a big deal.

JewlzK · July 2011

So I have experienced this both ways....My son now 8 was given his father's last name at birth because I was young(21) and his father wouldn't let up on the issue. I was lucky because his father has been in his life and is a good dad to him so I don't feel bad about giving him his father's last name. But I look back at it now and it could have turned out a lot differently. I just had my second child a little girl about 2 1/2 months ago and this time being older and a little wiser(30) I gave her my last name. The bio father and I only dated for about 3 months and he basically stalked me after we broke up and I have found out recently he hacked into my email and facebook accounts. Long story short he saw her once in the hospital and ran his mouth about how he was going to see her and take care of her. Haven't heard from him since she was a week old. Men can talk the talk all they want but in my opinion they need to prove that they can be a good parent. Stay strong and give the LO your last name and if someday you decide to change it you can. Don't stress too much, you need to do what is best for your baby and yourself.

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