A big thank you!

PrincessShay80 · June 2011

Thank you to all who took the time to give me some much needed advice.

I do need to tell all of you that in no means do I have "one foot out the door"- if I did not want to try to make my marriage work I would have left a long time ago, I never would have finalized DD's adoption with DH if I was going to leave- I would have adopted her as a single mother, as to avoid any of the custody issues.

I will agree with whoever said that DH and I are fighting in immature ways- that is so true- I guess I never realized it until it was brought to my attention. It's hard when dealing with parents, because I am super close with both my parents, and they adore DD- where DH's family lives in "lala" land. My mom gets very protective and is very much the person who just wants to come and rescue me and fix everything.

FYI- going to SC together would mean visiting my mom and step dad- my step dad was not the one who spoke to DH before (that was my dad)- so there would not be any "weirdness" there.

We are both all for going to see a therapist- I am going to call today and get something scheduled. DH and I have had dealt with a lot of stressors since the day we got married- we have been trying to have a baby pretty much from day 1, and we all know how stressful that can be. We have also dealt with buying and selling houses, moving, and financial issues- DH is in the mortage business- and that's taken a huge hit in the Vegas area. We also started a business (which has not been very successful) together. All these things are more stress then most marriages have- and I think they have just really put a strain on our marriage.

I think most of my issues are just that my issues- not DH's- I have a lot of issues with my own life- things I didn't do, or I think about what if I would have done this or that, and I just need to get past that. Not to say that DH doesnt' have things he needs to work on- he still brings up things from 5 years ago- which is not good for a relationship.

I guess I am learning that marriage is work, and that it's not going to be easy. I am well aware that the grass is not always greener on the other side and any decision that I make would not be made when I was upset or in a hasty manner. It just breaks my heart, because I don't want DD to be a child of divorce, not that you can't be a wonderful successful person if you are, but no one wants that for their child.

At the end of the day I always go back to- "but he's a good dad" and is that something that I can walk away from?

DavezWife · June 2011

If I may suggest... c&p your 3 notes from this morning, in a place where you can keep them, and reference them later. (perhaps with said therapist? password protected if you think DH would flip at seeing it all on paper?)

There's also little hints you've scattered thru out all of them that may give you some HUGE insight into what you're REALLY dealing with, beyond the frustration and feelings. Once you're able to kinda stand back a lil' bit and read between the lines, I think you might REALLY be able to hone in on what's REALLY the core issues. You guys yelling about the AC is NOT the issue. (i.e. not going to pick you apart on a public board, but things like you mom comes and rescues & fixes everything, that's a key player somehow. Are you lacking that from DH? Is there a componet to your relationship with your mom that's playing into your marriage? not asking, just suggesting YOU ask that, lol. )

I hope you guys get a chance to go out and have a "date night" or whatever while you're out east. It's going to take more than one night, I'm sure. But even this weekend we went camping, and I forbid myself to a) talk about babies, or lack there of and b) say nothing but positive things to and about my Davez. While I admit it was VERY VERY quiet sometimes, it was the 1st time in a long time we actually had a NICE time together, and didn't want to swim back to the mainland to get away from eachother. lol.

There's things that he has/is that you fell in love with. And the things that irritate you right now were always there. Bury some and find the others ;-)

now if you'll excuse me, I have to go follow my own (questionable) advice, lol.

njdcgirl · June 2011

I didn't have a chance to reply earlier, but good for you for working on your marriage and going to see someone about it. And, KUDOS for your for putting it out there on this board and be willing to get feedback - some of which was probably hard to swallow and see down on paper. I hope you and DH slowly get back to a good place in your relationship - not just for your daughter, but for both of your sakes. ((HUGS))

LucyPevensie · June 2011

OK - here's my take after reading all of your posts.

1) I think you are actually a pretty lucky person. Your DH has a lot of (marital) assets - that's good!

2) Your parents (all 3 of them) totally have your back - that's amazing!

3) Your DH is a great dad - that's terrific!

4) You have a healthy, fabulous 18 month old - so lucky!

5) You guys go out to dinner! I'm jealous!

6) You both want to seek counseling - excellent! I think this marriage CAN be saved! I think a good counselor is exactly what the two of you need!

As far as "this can't be all there is." Well - yes - it can. Grown-up life can be - boring. Bills. Jobs. Taking care of baby. Get up the next day and do it all over again. It's like fruckin' groundhog day sometimes. I TOTALLY get that. I had a LOT of youthful fun - up until my mid-30's (I really stretched out my 20's.. DH was in a band... we had fun.) And now - we are so boring. Again, I'm jealous you two even go out to dinner! That sounds razzle dazzle to me these days! But then again, sometimes it may just be about re-defining "excitement" versus "boring." Life will never be the same as when you were young - and you said yourself - your friends who had kids "all became hermits." So it's not like everybody else is partying it up and you're not. Life just changes as you grow older and have a child or two. And I think it's normal to long for a bit of that youthful excitment - and to even re-visit it, safely, now and then. And hopefully - to find new things that interest you and feel "fun" to you.

I hope you know I am not making light of your problems at all - I just truly think that if you and your DH find the right counselor, based on what I've read here, you guys can fix this. And seeking counseling is a very mature thing to do. All the best to you!

SeaSoul · June 2011

I was the one who used the word "immature" and I am so glad to hear you took it the way it was intended! This post makes me hopeful for you...sounds like you realize where you're at, where you need to go, and how to get there. Good luck moving forward!

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