My boyfriends daughter (who is 10) is very very upset about the pregnancy :(

Mama2be177 · June 2011

Hi Ladies..

Any of you having or had a baby w/a man that already has children? Well my bf has a son that is 7 and a daughter that is 10. They do not live w/us. Ever since she heard that I was pregnant she will not speak to him. And I saw that she wrote back to him on facebook and she said that she is disgusted and she doesn't like me Last few times I saw her and his son we had a blast. I just feel awful. My bf has not mentioned this to me but he has been in a mood and now I know why. Does anyone have any positive feedback for me?

Thanks

iluvmylab · June 2011

I can't help with your situation, but a 10 year old has no business with a FB and your BF needs to have her delete her account for what she wrote about you.

OurJellybean · June 2011

Never been in a situation like this, i couldnt imagine how hard it would be. I think its best if your bf has a serious talk with her and discuss her fears and concerns and let her know you are not replacing her and she will always be her daughter who she loves. Im guessing she feels threatened and second best... but i might be wrong. Best to talk to her and find out where all this hostility is really comming from anyways, not healthy. I dont think i would take it personally.

DarthNBJenni · June 2011

Does he have court ordered visitation? He needs to make sure to take all of his visitation with his children, and not let a 10 year old dictate anything. By letting her fester and harp on her feelings without any contact or communication from him, it will only make things worse.

lildevil968 · June 2011

Lurking...but Iam half tempted to think that the girls mother might have written that, and not the girl herself. Your BF needs to sit his kids, and their mother down for a long talk.

seamco12 · June 2011

Try to involve her. Ask her opinion on names take her to ultrasounds etc. My SS is 5 and is an ecstatic big brother so our situation is different, but we really went out of our way to involve him.

haleymay18 · June 2011

Surely, you can't be the first person to ever deal with resentment from a SC. Have you checked out blended families? I imagine situations like this are pretty common. Good luck, family dynamics are a hard thing to deal with no matter how old the kiddos are!

Jason'swife · June 2011

OurJellybean:
Never been in a situation like this, i couldnt imagine how hard it would be. I think its best if your bf has a serious talk with her and discuss her fears and concerns and let her know you are not replacing her and she will always be her daughter who she loves. Im guessing she feels threatened and second best... but i might be wrong. Best to talk to her and find out where all this hostility is really comming from anyways, not healthy. I dont think i would take it personally.

This. Maybe her can stress how important her "big sister" role is going to be? And I also agree that a 10 year old should not have a FB account. That's asking for trouble.

SheLovesMrHip · June 2011

iluvmylab:
I can't help with your situation, but a 10 year old has no business with a FB and your BF needs to have her delete her account for what she wrote about you.

I agree with this too....

beedawn · June 2011

I have not dealt with this situation but do you think there is any chance her mom is maybe writing these things/telling her horrible things? I totally agree with pp that she should NOT be on facebook.

Fianschneid · June 2011

I have not been in your situation but I have been in her situation. When my dad started having kids with his new wife, I was very hurt. Children aren't alwasy mature enough to examine where that hurt is coming from and take it out at the wrong time and on the wrong people. That doesn't make it fair or easy for you but she probably has a lot of feelings she doesn't understand right now.

The best advice I can give you is to encourage your BF to continue to have a healthy relationship with her, even if you aren't included sometimes. She needs to know that her dad will always be her dad no matter what happens - she is not being replaced.

In time, you and the daughter will make it work. Just remember that she is not your competition. She needs very different things from him than you do.

eli_and_jeff · June 2011

I agree with the pp's about talking to her. How did she find out you were pregnant? If it wasn't from your BF and you, then that may be where some of the resentment is coming from. I've never been through a situation like this, but whenever my dad wanted to talk to me about anything (even just a "how's life?" kinda conversation) he'd plan a father/daughter "date". We'd go for a hike or out to dinner or something, just the two of us. If your BF doesn't do this with his daughter, now might be a good time to start. He might be able to bring her around...also, it'll be good for her as she becomes a young lady to have a healthy relationship with her dad, so win/win.

Also, definitely a ten year old should not be on Facebook, that's highly inappropriate...and dangerous.

love_melongtime · June 2011

lanoue25:

iluvmylab:
I can't help with your situation, but a 10 year old has no business with a FB and your BF needs to have her delete her account for what she wrote about you.

I agree with this too....

Ditto this.

10 is WAAAY too young to be on facebook. Esp since she is also using it to say hurtful things to her own father. The FB act needs to go, now.

alyss0nl · June 2011

Pretty much every poster has hit the nail on the head with this one, but I had a somewhat similar experience. I was 7 and my older sister was 10 when our little sister was born. My parents were still together at the time, and when I found my mom was pregnant, bore all sorts of resentment to my parents. I loved being the youngest, and now that a new baby is coming, feel second best or less important.

You and your BF should sit down and talk to her and let her know she is still an important part of the family, big sister. Also letter her know her father's love for her will never cease will help her know she's not being replaced.

Temp574971250006741 · June 2011

Sounds like she is jealous. Either this is her feelings or fueled by a jealous ex/mother. Make sure your b/f spends all of his time he can with both of the kids so they know with a new baby his relationship with them will not change. Try including them on some decisions even if it is just picking out clothes or toys for the baby so they feel part of the family.

Also have to agree a 10 year old has no business on fb.

Mac0711 · June 2011

Am wondering if her mom has said some stuff to her and she is just following with what mom says. Or she may be jealous and feel like she's being replaced. Agree with the post that dad may need to take her on a date to try to help her understand that the new baby is just an extension of the existing family, and not a replacement for anyone.

Vieve831 · June 2011

I can also offer a perspective from having been in the 10 year old's shoes. You and your BF having a baby together is equivalent to you and your BF announcing you are getting married. She may have gotten used to her dad having a girlfriend - but a step-mom is a whole different story. Having a baby with her dad puts you in that realm.

When my dad and my now step-mom (his then girlfriend) announced they were pregnant I was very bitter about it. It meant things were changing in the household and I had no say it it (not that I deserved a say! but you know....). My new little brother became one of the most special things in my life. She won't be able to stay mad for long...

Bride2b2004 · June 2011

Give it time. Once the baby is here and she sees that adorable tiny brother or sister of hers, she will find it hard to maintain her anger. Involve her when you can, have him keep communication as open as he can and hope she comes around.

I would expect jealousy and fear of LO taking something away from her (her father's attention), but I am having a hard time thinking of a 10yo as "disgusted" by a pending LO... Is she repeating things her mother is saying?

varkeyr · June 2011

It might take her some time to get used to the idea. The same would happen if you announced you would be getting married. Right now she has always been "daddy's little girl" and thinks that 1.she will lose her status 2. he won't love her anymore 3.that everything is changing and not for the best.

She needs her father and you to reassure her that everything has not changed for the worst, but for the best. She also needs to be reassured that the other items will not change either.

honeybee #1 · June 2011

All of the above! I can definitely say that it will get better though, and I do suggest the blended family board, I've gotten a lot of help from there about things just like this.

VelvetElegance · June 2011

Leaving aside the obvious problems with a 10 y/o having a fb page, I think I have a bit of a dissenting opinion. I hope you will hear this in the spirit in which it is meant and not to be judgmental. This guy have two relatively young children. I'm not sure if he is divorced since you didn't mention it, but if he is, you have to know what divorce does to children. It's easy for you to get with their father who you presumably see as a catch, but try to see if from their young eyes. They don't get to see their father often. Now they have to suffer the indignity of having their father's attention further sub-divided with a new baby who will presumably suck all the oxygen out of a room as all babies do. They will have to watch their father (possibly) live with and parent a new child, while at best they get to visit. It's a lot to ask of a child to welcome the news of a new baby the way adults would. Perhaps family counseling. You could even suggest the father spend more time with his kids reassuring them. Honestly, it doesn't matter if the kid wrote the fb message or not. Clearly this is a very difficult thing for kids their age to process.

seashell_83 · June 2011

nymh:

Sounds like she is jealous. Either this is her feelings or fueled by a jealous ex/mother. Make sure your b/f spends all of his time he can with both of the kids so they know with a new baby his relationship with them will not change. Try including them on some decisions even if it is just picking out clothes or toys for the baby so they feel part of the family.

Also have to agree a 10 year old has no business on fb.

These exactly!! My fiance has an 8 yr old and since we told him we unfortunately haven't seen him or know how he is reacting(we live 6 hrs away from him and only make it that way about once a month). He seemed ok and happy about it when he found out. His mother says a lot of stuff about us and it has caused plenty of problems, so the problem could definitely lay on the mother here where she is saying stuff to your SO's daughter.

Your SO needs to definitely sit down with his daughter and talk to her about her feelings on this and why she's so mad. If it turns out the mother is fueling things then your SO needs to have a serious chat with her about this and that she's not allowed to talk bad about you or the baby because it's just harming their kids and causing confusion and tension.

The FB account needs to be deleted for sure though!

Vasana · June 2011

My 10 year old has FB, I have all the account info, pw and monitor it very closely, it is a way that he keeps in contact with his dad who lives far away, as long as it is monitored I don't see the huge deal, as far as your problem goes, I think with understanding and time things will get better. My kids are very excited about having a half sibling, she may just need time to process her emotions. When she sees she is still an important part of his life and has a cute brother or sister I think she'll have a change of heart. Good luck

MrsT2008 · June 2011

Vasana:
My 10 year old has FB, I have all the account info, pw and monitor it very closely, it is a way that he keeps in contact with his dad who lives far away, as long as it is monitored I don't see the huge deal, as far as your problem goes, I think with understanding and time things will get better. My kids are very excited about having a half sibling, she may just need time to process her emotions. When she sees she is still an important part of his life and has a cute brother or sister I think she'll have a change of heart. Good luck

wouldn't email do the same thing? not to get off topic, but IMO people not old enough to be in high school have no real need to be on FB

Christine&Mario · June 2011

lildevil968:
Lurking...but Iam half tempted to think that the girls mother might have written that, and not the girl herself. Your BF needs to sit his kids, and their mother down for a long talk.

This. It wouldn't be the first time a jealous mom pretended to be her child to get a rise out of the new mom in the picture.

I agree with pp about Facebook - she is way too young for an account. Just stay patient, build the relationship, and hopefully by the time the baby comes along things will have calmed down. Good luck with everything.

tchubirubi · June 2011

Fianschneid:

I have not been in your situation but I have been in her situation. When my dad started having kids with his new wife, I was very hurt. Children aren't alwasy mature enough to examine where that hurt is coming from and take it out at the wrong time and on the wrong people. That doesn't make it fair or easy for you but she probably has a lot of feelings she doesn't understand right now.

The best advice I can give you is to encourage your BF to continue to have a healthy relationship with her, even if you aren't included sometimes. She needs to know that her dad will always be her dad no matter what happens - she is not being replaced.

In time, you and the daughter will make it work. Just remember that she is not your competition. She needs very different things from him than you do.

This. I haven't been there, but that is what it looks like to me.

She is just a kid, she is confused and hurt and is having trouble coping. It is a good thing she is verbalizing it at least. She is opening up to him.

Don't take it personally (I imagine it is hard, but still...). Also, I'd say make sure your BF spends as much time with her (without you) as possible, in order to reassure her and create opportunities to talk it out spontaneously.

Good luck and all the best!

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My boyfriends daughter (who is 10) is very very upset about the pregnancy :(

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