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2nd Trimester
sraexx
member
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Shower vent-who does this? -longish
sraexx
member
Okay, so my Dh's family is a little overbearing to say the least, but at the end of the day, they are usually very helpful and mean well. They are throwing me a baby shower, I am very grateful as all my friends live far away and my family is non-existent. Unfortunately, they live 8 hours away, which stinks, but I make the drive.
When it was time to register, they were very vocal about all my choices, so much so that they insisted I drive down to have them register me. I compromised by giving them my password so they could weigh in on my choices. The registry consisted of friend advice, book advice, my judgement and even Dh's sister and mom's constant advice. I was pretty big, but it served as a master "to get" list so I could have the discount on the items not bought for the shower. On occasion, they added things that I did not want, but I just let it go and figured I could return or even keep those items.
Today, they emailed me that they went in and deleted everything they didn't deem as necessary. They deleted a lot, over half of my list, and added many things (pink stuff because they think her un-pink room isn't good enough). I am very upset. I know they mean well with the shower and all that, it is just pretty devastating when something you spent so much time on is completely disregarded. It isn't about getting the stuff, it was more about keeping the list for my own shopping later. It was more of a master list of all I needed for the baby than just a gift list. I just wish they would have, at least, talked to me first so I could have saved it. I don't disagree that the list got big (even though it was on their advising), I just wish that they could have given me the dignity of making my own choice.
What would you do? I am going to change my password and suck it up at the shower because it is free stuff, but I am worried that all this controlling behavior is setting a precedence.
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Re: Shower vent-who does this? -longish
The Out-Of-Date Bio | The Blog I've Started Updating Again
I'm not one to pull punches. I would tell them EXACTLY how I feel. I would redo my entire registry, CHANGE MY PASSWORD, and if they don't like it...oh well. Just because someone is doing something "nice" for you, does not mean you have to bend over and take everything they do to you.
The other choice would be suck it up, not say anything, and seethe with resentment.
I'd take door number 1.
WOW. Seems to me that it would behoove you to have a nice long chat with your in-laws. What they did was rude..regardless of their intention. More so it was undermining your ability to parent your own child. Even though this is your first baby, you have done research and felt comfortable with your choices. They did not need your password, if they had suggestions they should have called you and made them. I suggest you take back your "Mommy Power" now, otherwise you will end up with a lifetime of being the 4th in line to parent your baby, after mil, sil, and dad...THATS NOT GOING TO BE SOMETHING YOU WANT!!!!
It's not always easy to confront people, especially when you love them, but sometimes necessary. When you see them, or since you are so far away call them, lovingly tell them that you appreciate everything they do, that you love them and respect them but that you want the opportunity to parent your child the way you see fit. Tell them you are thrilled and honored that they care enough about you and your baby that they want to play such an active roll in babys needs, and that you intend on utilizing their expertise often, but that you also need to have your decisions respected so that you ay become a confident and fantastic mom.
They may be upset, but I assure you, they will get over it. Sometimes when we have the best intentions, we don't even realise that we are stepping all over the people we want to help.
Good Luck!
This exactly. You are the one who needs to step up and tell them this is wrong. I would never, ever, let someone else add items to my registry. I think if MIL ever asked to do this I would probably just laugh at her.
Good luck in getting the situation fixed. Just stand up for yourself!
Holy crap!! I'm so sorry.
Here's what I think you need to do, seriously. And I highly recommend doing it, so they see that they were completely in the wrong. Call/text/or email one of them and tell them that you want those things on the list, even if just for the discount when you purchase them yourself. Then CHANGE the password, and go back and add all of the things that you want on there. And delete the things that you strongly dont want. I really cant believe they did that to you and you need to fix this rather than just brush it under the carpet.
W-O-W!! I would change your password and re-do your registry. It's your baby and you should have the right to but on the list what you & DH want. I would never have given them my password. There's a line which they have to respect. When my MIL gets a bit carried away which I know she means well I let her know how I feel and that's there's a line that she has to respect.
If not they are going to control you when this baby arrives and you don't want that kind of confrontation I would start preparing them. It;s your baby. Sos orry this happeend to you.
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I definitely agree that you should change the password, take off everything you don't want and add back on everything they took off.
Once LO is born, you have to be able to raise him/her the way you want regardless of what the ILs think. I have been accused many times of being "stubborn" by my step-mom who is constantly giving me ridiculous parenting advice that I ignore. But, it's worth the battle.
Just going to ask one question and this might help you to clarify everything . Who will be raising and getting up with baby, you or your in laws?
If you answer you, then go back to your registry and start over. Whatever you do DON'T give them your password. This is YOUR child and YOUR registry. How you decorate, register or even raise your child is up to you (as long as you are not abusive). If they complain then tell them that these are the items that I WANT/ NEED.
GROW A BACKBONE!!
This. You need to nip this in the bud.
I agree with this completely.
Wow. I would change the password, and re- add what I had on there originally. Then I would have a talk with them about how you had things on the list so you could buy things as well, and that that is your right because it is YOUR registry. Overall, they sound very controlling but it is your responsibility to put your foot down now in a polite way so it doesn't get even more out of control. I can't even imagine how much more overbearing they would be once the baby comes if you don't set boundaries.
You have the right to make your own choice and control your own registry, and if they want to have input on the things you bring into your home for your child, they should be consulting you and respecting your feedback. Period.
Thanks everyone. I am pretty assertive in general and I think my willingness to compromise has lead my inlaws to believe they can take advantage. I have known these folks for 6 years and I never thought in a million years that they would cross the deleting line, I didn't mind the additions because as a FTM, I did want the help. But now I know that they can not "help" without controlling everything, it is unfortunate. It stinks because DH is also angry with them but it puts him in an awkward position and I didn't want that for us or the baby girl.
As it stands, I changed the password, deleted every item they added and am currently re-doing a different master list that I will add after the shower. I also put my foot down with DH and he agrees that they will not be welcome in the hospital and they can visit us when we go home and have a few days to get ourselves together. (they were coming to stay before birth, during hospital and after home). I wanted them in the hospital, but now the last thing I want is too feel undermined or bitter while I am meeting my daughter for the first time. This time is for me, DH and baby girl.
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This