Adoption
Lucky_N_Love
member
Are there any foster parents out there?
Lucky_N_Love
member
in Adoption
Hello there I am lurking over here hoping to find some advice for my bff who is a foster parent. I hope no one minds me jumping over. Is anyone here foster parenting with or without the intent to adopt? Or is there a better board I should post on?
Thanks in advance 
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Re: Are there any foster parents out there?
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Our daughter was a foster to adopt sitauation- if you have questions away, all the ladies on this board are very helpful.
Well long story short she is a new to being a foster parent and currently has 3 children 10, 7 and 4. They have been placed with her for about 2 months now and the way things are going they will be with her another 6 months or they will be permanently removed from their mom.
She thinks that the way things are turning they may be given the option to adopt these children however she said that in her heart she doesn't feel these are the children for her and her husband and that they don't want to take them permanently. She is heartbroken over this and doesn't know how she can tell 3 kids she doesn't want them when that isn't necessarily the case. I know that she is looking out for the best for the kids, herself and husband, and any future kids? lives they can touch by fostering.
I am just trying to be there for her and was hoping maybe someone had been in a similar situation. It is so hard to be there for her sometimes when I don?t know what to say.
In my county where I am a foster parent, they take on people as JUST foster parents, and they also have people who go through the training to JUST be adoptive parents. She should in no way feel pressured to adopt the children, and if the case starts looking like it is going to end up in an adoption situation, the goal will be changed to adoption. At that time, the case worker assigned to the case and the agency she is licensed through should begin to work on identifying an adoptive home for the kids. Then, once a family is identified, they usually slowly transition the kids to the home.
In our situation, we were foster parents from 2007-2010. We had five foster children over this time frame, and even though each of their case were not necessarily moving towards adoption, if given the opportunity we would have adopted ANY one of them. Our fifth foster child, ended up being adoptable, and we adopted him in 2009. We then closed our home a few months later, to take a break and work on being just our family of 3 and eventually having bio children. We found out in the fall of 2010 that we are infertile, and found ourselves looking into adopting again. Since our agency has an abundance of adoptive homes already waiting for kids, they would not license us as an adoptive home. So, we reopened as a foster home. We have had 6 kids come and go, and although I loved every single one of them, I would not have adopted them for one reason or another. Our agency continued to stress that we are FOSTER parents, and when the situation came along with our FS now (who is able to be adopted), we had to fight with them about it because they were hesitant to let us adopt bc they feel that when their foster parents adopt they end up losing them as a home bc they usually close shortly thereafter. I dont agree with their way of thinking, but in your friends case, she needs to just be open and honest with the kids and when the time comes to talk adoption, she can be very positive about the whole experience of finding the perfect home because they will be an active part of that.
She's only had them two months?
IMO, that's probably too soon to be able to evaluate a) whether or not its going to go to adoption, and b) whether they would be a good fit for her family. At 2 months in with my first two placements, I was a wreck - stressed out, dealing with off the wall behaviors, thinking i had made a huge mistake, ect. Fast forward 18 months and I cant imagine my life without them.
So my advice to your friend would be to take it one day at a time. Its good to be honest and have that constant dialogue with her husband about where their feelings are, but they are all still so new to each other, its just the introductory phase. Unless she's feeling the need to disrupt the placement right now (ie. she can't continue parenting them, even just for the time being), I'd sit with the feelings a bit and see where the case goes.
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Those ages are hard to just fall in love with at first. She's a new foster parent (and new parent maybe?). There's a 6 month adjustment period I strongly believe in. I had an 8 year old (who turned 9 and 10 while with me). I didn't care for her for 6-7 months. She reminded me constantly that I was not her mother. I don't know what changed at that month marker, but its changed for the better. I had already bonded with her 2 sisters. I'm thinking it had something to do with her being in school and I didn't spend much time with her until summer hit.
All that being said - we were given the opportunity to adopt the 3 girls, we chose no at first. I was asked 2 weeks after bringing home DS2, a preemie, and I was sleep deprived and didn't ask for time to think. It was a hard decision, but we made it and then we changed our minds, but it was too late. They were going to live with a long distance relative. You do have to feel it in your heart AND mind. BUT 2 months is not enough time to start making those decisions, and with DFPS, things can change constantly.
I agree with comeonbaby and ctbride. I am not a foster parent, but did adopt a 7 year-old boy last summer. I will be the first to tell you, that with a child who is not an infant, you do not bond right away, and the older the child is, and the more trauma he has been exposed to, the longer it will take.
Comeon mentioned a 6 month adjustment period. I've always heard it's a minimum of a year, with added time for children who have suffered more trauma/loss. My son has been with us 10.5 months, and we are still adjusting. I love him with my whole heart, but it's been a tough going. My son is still terrified we're going to leave him, so trust comes in waves, and when he's scared he acts out and has horrible nightmares. Slowly, slowly, we are growing stronger.
For the entire first 3 or 4 months, I was a wreak. I wondered if we were in over our heads, if we shouldn't have adopted a child with a traumatic past, if we ruined our lives. But I knew that the only thing worse than going forward would be walking away. With time, things became easier, M began to let his guard down and accept our love, and I began to feel a connection. By about the 6 month mark, I realized I really enjoyed our new life together.
If this is her first placement, which it sounds like it is, she should just try to live day by day. Only time will tell if the children will become available for adoption, and if so, if they will be a good fit as a forever family. In the meantime, she should remain firmly in the role of a foster parent: love the children, but support reunification; foster ties between the children and their birth parents, if possible. If the goal changes, she can then decide how she would like to proceed, and the best way to frame what's going to happen next in a way that the children can understand and accept it without undergoing too much traumatic loss.
I too think 2 months is too soon to tell. We got our little one at 5 months old and it did take us awhile to bond with her too.
I love babies and cared for her, and at that time I would have said I loved her but looking back I struggled a lot at first. Small things made me sad, not seeing her smile or giggle, etc. He former home sent a write-up telling me how smiley, happy and such she was. It took me awhile to get those smiles regularly.
It has now been 6 months (to the day) and I am so in love with her. We all are so in love. I know now that she has the hearts of us all. It took awhile, but time will make the bond stronger.
On the other hand, if more time passes and she is still not feeling adoption is right for them with these children she should not be afraid to speak to her worker. The system wants the best match for these children. If it is not a good match with the forever family there will always be conflict and the children will pick up on it.
One thing I have learned in this journey is to know your limits and stick up for them. In my case, our worker respects us more for setting and sticking to our limits. One needs to take care of themselves and their family first.
Good luck to your friends!
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
I agree with what everyone else has said about it still being early and to give it time.
But wanted to add a comment about the children... If she doesn't thing she will adopt (should the situation arise) don't talk about forever with the kids. Don't talk about them living with her when they grow up, ect...
We adopted our 2 from foster care. They had been with the same family for 2 years- this family is older and was not interested in adopting. But they talked about life-long things. There was no discussion about not living with them forever. (We still maintain contact with this family- they currently have a sibling set of 3 girls- that are potentially going tpr also- and they do the same forever talk with the girls- its very frusterating hearing from my prespective.)
We've always told our FC that they will live with us till the SW find a safe place for them. That leaves us open if we should have to have the child moved (we didn't lie to them), If they get to go home- covers that. If they go for adoption- covers that. If we adopted- covers that too.
Good luck to your friend!
My heart goes out to you and your friend. My DH and I are foster parents/foster adopt (meaning we would love to adopt someday, but we have an open home to all children, regardless if the are adoptable or not). I think its a natural thing to think about how the children would fit into your family, and no time is soon enough to have an open dialouge with your spouse. That being said, 2 months is WAY too soon to make that kind of a decision. The average amount of time in foster care is around 7 1/2 months.
If you have a good social worker, they should be willing to discuss how you are bonding to your child. Our current infant has only been here a little under 3 months, and he already teases us about being bonded, and asks if we would ever want to adopt him? (Lightheartedly, no one knows yet what will happen) and our answer is always the same "We aren't thinking about adoption now, only being the best possible advocate for this child" Still, to be brutually honest, if I had the chance to adopt him tomorrow, I would.
I remember the placement we had before, and within just a few days of him being home, I knew he wasn't a good fit for our family. I was secretly relieved when reunification happened. I think its a natural part of being a foster parent. Be honest about it, and be honest with your worker while supporting the kids. When/IF it looks like it will go towards termination, then you can gently transition to an adoptive family.
best of luck to you!