School-Aged Children
Lucky_N_Love
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How to stop kids from Lying
Lucky_N_Love
member
Hello there. I am jumping over to ask a question for a friend who has older kids since I can't provide too much guidance for her. Not sure how active this board is but "hello" and thanks for any help you can give.
My bestie is a foster parent to 3 kids (10g, 7g, and 4b) She is having lots of issues with the 7 year old lying about things. Sometimes silly things like telling the sitter she didn't have a snack when she really already had one and didn't need another. She lies about knocking things over etc. My friend did some research online that said she should reward when she tells the truth but she isn't finding much help in that.
Anyone have any ideas? Thanks. This is a tough one. I hope my LO never grows up ha ha.
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Re: How to stop kids from Lying
Well, one thing she should know is that all kids lie at one time or another, for various reasons. Kids younger than age 6 may lie because the lines between fantasy and reality are still a little blurry for kids that age. Kids this age like to test boundaries, see what reaction they'll get. They also lie at this age to cope with disappointment or to indulge themselves in a fantasy or to make a wish seem to come true. I.e., "I really wanted to be the flower girl in my aunt's wedding, but I'm not. If I say I am, maybe it'll seem like I really am."
Older kids, in my experience at least, usually lie to get out of trouble or to avoid punishment/make themselves look better. I.e. "Me: Hey! Who spilled water on the floor? DD: I don't know. Me: well isn't that your empty glass on the coffee table? DD: I don't think so. Me: Yes it is! You're the only one who had water out here today, so just fess up and admit that you spilled it! DD: Okay, fine -- I spilled the water, but it was an accident!"
I partially agree with the advice your friend read online but partially disagree. I would never give my kid a tangible reward for telling the truth. The "reward" is that I'll be proud of my child and respect my child's growing integrity and maturity. In the scenario above about the water spill, if my DD did not lie, but instead said, "Oops! That was me. Sorry! I'll get a paper towel and clean it up" I would not scold her for spilling the water. Instead I'd say, "Hey, accidents happen. Thank you for admitting you did it and for taking responsibility. Good job." So, the "reward" would be my praise and my overall message would be that you're not going to get "in trouble" if you take responsibility for your mistakes.
In your friend's case, I'd be willing to bet that the 7 y/o is lying to test your friend's boundaries. Your friend should be firm and help her foster-daughter see that honesty leads to respect and admiration from those around you.
I've told my almost 6-year-old that I'll be more mad about the lie than about whatever the truth is, no matter what.
That seems to make him stop and think...
I made my child wear a sign that said, "Don't believe me. I'm a liar!"
I made her wallk the dog and where it all day long (it was either a weekend/summer...something she didn't have to wear it to school)
The second part is I don't set the child up to lie. If I know he/she is the one that spilled the milk, ate the cookies or threw rocks at cars...I don't ask questions I know the answers to, such as, "Did you do this?" or "Who did this?" It sets them up to lie. And if I say things such as "why did you do this" or "how could you do this and not" I always get the backpedal lie, I didn't do this, you always blame me ...etc
I just dole out the consequence and taking away the opportunity to lie.
But I can be mean to my kids like that, I'm not sure if there are guidelines for foster parents about discipline.
Sweetie's suggestion about taking away the opportunity to lie is a good one - if the kid is lying to avoid getting into trouble.
If the kid is lying for attention, working on her self-esteem will really help.
Also, it is really important to make sure she understands why honesty is always best and how lies hurt people.
The Bearinstein Bears have a good book about telling the truth and I'm sure there are lots more the children's librarian could recommend.