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Success after IF
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (way too long)
So, I've decided to quit my job. For a variety of reasons that I originally typed out but have since deleted in an (unsuccessful!) effort to keep this short.
Here's the thing. I'm not sure about the timing. And I have NO idea how to figure out what to do next.
As for timing - I know it would generally be considered sh!tty to just not come back from maternity leave. But, in my case, I really think that it would be best for me to NOT take all my cases back from the attorneys handling them, only to transfer them again in a few weeks, or even a few months. Consistency is really so important to the clients, and also to the attorneys handling my cases. I'm honestly considering approaching my boses and just asking them what they prefer - work until x time, or cut ties now since other attorneys are already up to speed on my case load.
As for what comes next. . . quitting is not a new idea, it's been on my mind for years. I have wanted to quit the firm, and also my line of work altogether (I'm in litigation). I haven't because I have no idea what else I want to do. I've thought and analyzed, and now I don't even know what else to do to figure it out.
Back in the day - all growing up - I thought this was what I wanted to do. Was I wrong? No, I don't think so. I think that the last few years have really softened me and the constant stress/ negativity/ fighting that automatically comes with my line of work no longer appeals to me (it did at one point(. Also, I've learned I don't enjoy the juggling act of working (so many hours) outside the home. . . not that anyone does 
But there will be times, i.e. preparing for trial, when I very likely might not see my kids before bed for a month.
Also, I haven't quit prior to this because the process of interviewing and then getting established/ proving yourself in a new position is very time intensive, and I don't really want to take any more time away from my family right now. The only upside about my current position is that we have a lot of flexibility and autonomy. I know that, starting out in a new position, it wouldn't be acceptable to, i.e., take off to take DD to the pedi. . . and she's at the pedi a lot But, will there ever be a "good" time?
I've been toying with the thought of seeing if I can SAH (financially) - But I don't know how to figure out if that's what I want either! Part of me thinks yes, of course I want to SAH! But is that just because it keeps me from having to find a new job? I would love to be with our kids more, a good part of the reason I want to quit is quality-of-life related. But, I also know that not everyone is cut out to SAH. How do I know if I am?
Part of me thinks no, it's not what I want - but is that just because I thought I was expected to be career driven because I was reasonably smart and didn't have a husband and kids back in the day? (It's not like girls go to college these days - 18 years old and no husband on the horizon - and, when asked about career goals, say that they want to be a SAHM, kwim?) Also, I feel guilt/ pressure to use my degree(s) since I spent so much time and money earning them. Have I changed (assuming that was really what I wanted at the time, anyway, and not just a product of my circumstances)? Is that "allowed"?
I do get a lot out of working, I suppose. It's just, do I get enough to make it the best option? Also - DS loves daycare. He loves being around other children and learns a lot from them. I'd feel horribly guilty taking him away from that.
Part-time isn't an option a) in my field, because even part-time is so many hours that it's basically what everyone else considers full-time, and b) we couldn't afford daycare without my full time salary.
Anyway. . . I don't expect anyone to have actually made it this far. If you have - thanks This whole thing has just been so difficult, and I usually process things by writing - but I haven't wanted to write on my blog because DH reads it. At least I saved ya'll the analysis of figuring out whether to quit or not 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (way too long)
I made it all the way through:) But don't really have advice for you. My husband was in the same field as you (I'm not sure what your specialty is, his was criminal) and is in the process of changing careers, he's going into Law Enforcement.
I think a lot of attorneys have major guilt when they leave the profession b/c of the amount they paid for law school, DH definitely feels that way. But in the end, you have to do what is right for you and your family. And yes, people change when their circumstances change (i.e going from being single to having a family), and I think that is a good thing! How else would we grow if we didn't access our needs depending on our situation?
GL with your decision. I do think it would be good if you decide to quit to talk to your firm about how they prefer you handle it. You wouldn't want to leave without having a good reference. From my experience with DH, law firms are all in the same clique, if you piss one off the rest know:)
It's worth a lot
Really. Thank you both for reading and for your thoughts.
This has been so hard because DH hasn't been any help with this. We're usually such a good team. . . I don't know what the deal is. I don't know if it's because he thinks he can't appreciate the nuances of my field, or if it's because he's scared of change, in general, or just the differences between men and women, or what. I mean, I know he'll support me with whatever, but he hasn't been any help figuring it out/ talking it through.
First off - I have several friends in litigation and I have ZERO idea how they do it with families. It's seriously pretty much impossible. My hat's off to you for making it this far.
2nd... I wanted to let you know that my next door neighbor is a lawyer and works part time. She does pre-paid legal work and honestly works exactly 24 hours a week. She's had no problem finding part time day care because she needs exactly 3 days a week.
Now that her kids are older she's staying late one night a week and venturing back into the court room a bit. She's struggling with how to move forward now that her kids are both about to be in school full time (youngest starts Kindy in the fall).
She has told me that while it all seemed impossible when the kids were super young she's feeling like maybe it's more do-able now that they're doing school. They tolerate her absences much better now than they used to. She does still struggle though with after school activities like sports and relies heavily on friends and neighbors to help her out.
My other close gal pal is a different story. She works full time and frankly sustains life on drugs. She relies heavily on coffee, anxiety meds and depression meds and every time I see her I worry more and more that one day her body's gonna revolt. She looks old and ill. She works pretty much every Saturday. She's miserable and frankly so is her husband. She's already on her 2nd marriage and is telling me that she doesn't think this one's gonna work out either. It's tough stuff. I feel bad for her not because she works so much but because she doesn't seem fulfilled by it, KWIM? I think that if you're passionate about what you do your family can survive it but it just reaches the point of insanity if you're miserable in the job AND MIA all the time to boot. She's already on her 2nd marriage and is telling me that she doesn't think this one's gonna work out either. It's tough stuff.
I don't know what the answers are. You're in a very difficult field for finding work/life balance. I just wanted you to know that you are FAR from alone in your feelings as a litigator and a mom.
I hope you find a solution that works for you and your family.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
I'm not a lawyer, but I do work with litigators from time to time and have some friends in the field. And wow, I can't imagine a more difficult field to try to find work/life balance in. I can understand why you are thinking about a change.
For what it's worth, I have a good friend who was a litigator in NYC for a large firm and realized it just wasn't compatible with the family life she wanted. So she quit and started working in family law. I know that is a significant change, and I'm not even sure if that would appeal to you (certainly family law has its share of negativity, etc.), but she likes it from the perspective that she can still use some of her litigation skills in court and, more importantly, she can work part time. She works 3 days a week and simply pays a semi-retired nanny a part time wage to watch her kids while she does. While it's tough to totally turn work off on Mondays and Fridays, she makes it work by having a smaller case load. It's just an idea - maybe a dumb one, but wanted to throw it out!
Can you meet with head hunters or maybe touch base with someone at your law school? They may have other ideas! Good luck with whatever you decide!!
I completely understand what you are saying and how you feel. I agree that now is the best time to quit. If you are certain you don't want to go back to your practice, it's much easier for the other attorneys and clients to not have to transition twice.
I recently left the practice of law after 5 years as a transactional attorney. I had incredible guilt leaving - I still have loans, a large part of my identity was/is tied up in being a lawyer, who leaves a good paying job, etc. But I was miserable. My practice area was slow, but that meant I had to network more. My area was very political and I came back during local election time. I had fundraisers in the morning and after work. It was too much. The worst was when they transitioned me to a new team for a month to help out with a major closing (ie long azz hours) and C got RSV during the middle of it. I just couldn't deal.
So I quit. Like you, I didn't want to deal with the hassle of re-training at a new job right now. My plan was to SAH until I figured out if it was for me. The day the managing partner announced by departure, I got a call from one of the firm's partners. A client was looking for someone to do contract work (asset management help), so I e-mailed over my resume. I'm now doing very part time, work from home stuff. I formed an LLC. I don't make much, but it means there won't be a gap on my resume.
I know I made the right decision to leave, but I don't know if I want to SAH permanently. Honestly, I miss my salary and parts of my job. But I'm in a good place now. I'm staying home through the end of the year, then I might consider looking at government or in-house jobs. If I'm pregnant or in the middle of adopting, we'll push it back.
FWIW, almost every single woman at my firm quit when they had their second child. You can tough it out with one, but two is hard work, especially in private practice. Try as it might, private practice just isn't a family friendly position.
Right there with you. Civil litigation is tough and I don't know if I want to do it anymore. My story is a little different . . . I was called in on maternity leave and fired. I should have expected it but I was too busy working to pay attention to the shift in office politics around me . . . but I digress. I was the sole in-house attorney doing primarily litigation for a small company. Fortunately this is working out favorably for me and I will likely get to spend up to the next year to 18 mos being a SAHM . . . but I will eventually have to re-join the legal community, just have no idea what I want to do.
Quit now. If only for your clients. Back when I was fresh out of law school I would look around the courthouse and see primarily men and then me and think "wow, I can hold my own with this old guys". And I did, but it was exhausting. As I was waddling in to the courthouse late in my pregnancy I noticed it differently and thought how can I do this and be a happy wife/mother? I thought about going 4 days/week (HA!) but I seriously started looking for a new job.
Just start talking to people. You'll be surprised how much you find out via word of mouth from contact with former classmates, mediators, judges, etc. I got one lead on a part-time job from a former classmate and have been approached by someone from my sorority alum group who is looking to possibly expand and add on someone part-time to her solo practice. And I'm not even "pounding the pavement" Is there a law school near you? Do they have adjunct positions in your area? They don't pay much (at least they don't here at Marquette) but that could open more doors.
Good luck.