What is WRONG with me?!?

MrsLee22 · June 2011

UGHHHH. I am in SUCH a slump right now. I've held my sh*t together for the last 13 weeks - through intubations and extubations and infections and PDAs and on and on - and now my babies are doing really well, really really well, but we've hit that holding pattern where they're not really sick but they're not really quite ready to go home and all of a sudden I'm having these epic meltdowns every other night it seems and I am just feeling so worn down.

Like I said, ughhhh Crying

JakesBride07 · June 2011

There is nothing wrong with you...and if there is something wrong with you for what you are going thru then there is for sure something wrong with me too...

I was the same way, I could handle it all and kept my cool...then we hit that stand-still and I was so up and down with my emotions. I think a lot of it has to do with running on adrenaline for sooooo long and then actually having time to reflex and process, it was like I was finally feeling everything that I was numb from in the beginning.

AAAAAAnnnnnddddd I will tell you that the day I left the hospital with B, I was a hot mess... I could not stop sobbing! And even now with one home I still have moments...

Please don't beat yourself up over it... You are doing a great job!

Sending you big ((hugs))

katie4253 · June 2011

The last part has got to be the worst. Now you see the end in sight and you just want it to get here NOW. I don't blame you. Right now you are in the sprint after a marathon. You've drained every part of you and you are still having to go on.

I think when they are really tiny it is obvious that the best care is in the hospital. But, when they get to be more like full term newborns, it is easier to picture them home and just want it to come faster. Even little backslides see huge when you see the end is near.

If I lived near you, I'd bring you cupcakes. Because really, who doesn't like cupcakes )

mcarter127 · June 2011

I agree with the OP's, this is completely normal. The last part seems to drag on forever & it is miserable!!! I think in the beginning you just get through it because you have no other choice, when things start to slow down then you are faced with the reality of everything you have been through & start to think about way too much. I was also a COMPLETE mess the day we took DS home....even though we were excited to be going home I also felt SAD! I was going to miss his nurses, neos & the routine we had become accustomed to. It is such a weird blend of emotions. I also had a lot of anxiety about not having that safety net of nurses around all the time. You are also bringing an older baby (or babies in your case) home & that makes things different. I think when parents bring a FT baby home they generally have a lot of help, DH has some time off of work & the event is full of excitement. When you bring a preemie home after months in the hospital it is likely that DH has already used up any leave he had & you've been functioning between two worlds for so long that the homecoming part can just be downright stressful. I know I felt pulled in opposite directions because for so long we'd been working toward the goal of "coming home" but when we got close I felt like I needed to slow time down so I could get prepared. Don't beat yourself up for having any of the feelings you are having, they are all normal! Just face them head on & let yourself go through any emotions that pop up! Good luck & I am glad they are doing so well!

elisbu · June 2011

I think when you are busy you have less time to think, then during down time it all hits.

I'm sorry, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
We've been home almost two months and I still tear up thinking about her being there. Good Luck Mama!

damabo80 · June 2011

You actually sound pretty normal...nay, textbook even, with the emotions.

Huge hugs.

urbanflowerpot · June 2011

Hmm. Notice something? a pattern. I was the same way. One day everything became the same. I'd call, 'he's doing well! the same since you were here.' Arrive. Get the same stats as the day before, but add some grams. Groundhog day. Did he have another brady? 'he was naughty for me today.' UGH.

Then, once I had him home came the ultimate slap in the face: two weeks later I had to take him BACK.

I wish I could say I'm all cleared up but now that he's home (again) and things have settled I'm becomming a new breed of monster.

so vent away. You're in good company.

katie4253 · June 2011

urbanflowerpot:
Hmm. Notice something? a pattern. I was the same way. One day everything became the same. I'd call, 'he's doing well! the same since you were here.' Arrive. Get the same stats as the day before, but add some grams. Groundhog day. Did he have another brady? 'he was naughty for me today.' UGH.

Then, once I had him home came the ultimate slap in the face: two weeks later I had to take him BACK.

I wish I could say I'm all cleared up but now that he's home (again) and things have settled I'm becomming a new breed of monster.

so vent away. You're in good company.

We called it Groundhog day too. Living the same day over and over again with a few slight variations thrown in.

Piper345 · June 2011

There is nothing wrong with you at all!

We are (hopefully) very close to discharge and these have been the most frustrating 2 weeks, I even freaked out on the Neo last week. I felt horrible and apologized and she said. "don't worry this happens all of the time, and I'm used to it"

Hang in there. It seem like your babies are doing well and will hopefully be home soon. I wish you and them all of the best Smile

kck329 · June 2011

Everyone else has already covered it but I wanted to add my assurance that you are completely normal. Now that the scariest part has passed, you can start to let yourself deal with those emotions. Add that to the fact that you are exhausted and still not done with this marathon and meltdowns are inevitable. Like everyone above, I am still having meltdowns now that we are home (one month at home now) though they are getting to be less frequent.

Watching your babies fight for the lives is among the scariest things a mom can do, being emotional about it makes perfect sense whenever the emotions come.

adrielegorburu · June 2011

You and I have been along for the ride together - our LOs are so close in GA. I posted a similar post last week - the end feels longer and harder than before! I lost it this morning because DD choked on her bottle and desated enough for some oxygen support - I cried the whole way to work after - I actually said "were never getting out of here" - hang in there you are super normal and when we see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak - time doesnt move fast enough. before you know it they will be coming home!

Deblondie1 · June 2011

Aww sweetie I'm sorry. I'm right there with you and DH and I are at each other's throats from the stress.

It'll get better... Very soon you will have two beautiful take home babies. And as the NICU nurses keep telling us, this time will become nothing but a tiny blip on your lives. <HUGS>

Want a personalized experience?

What is WRONG with me?!?

Re: What is WRONG with me?!?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards