Overreacting? — The Bump
Military Families

Overreacting?

To start this story out I am going to provide some background info. My husband and I are mil to mil and have both been in the AF for 4 years. I have just been promoted to SSgt and he is waiting to pin on his new stripe. Anyway, his shift switched from days to nights about 2 weeks ago and I am really struggling. We have a 16 month old at home and I am 23 weeks pregnant with #2. I don't see my husband through the week unless we drive to base and eat lunch with him in the evenings. However, when we do that it takes time away from the things that I need to accomplish at home. He is the only person in his WHOLE shop who is mil to mil with kids. Everyone else in his shop who is married their spouse doesn't work. He gets very irrtated at me when I bring this issue up saying that its hard for me to handle my mission at work, our son and everything else without him there. I understand that some sacrafices need to be made being in the military for things such as TDY's, deployments and exercises. But when it's just normal operations I want to know why we have to be so stressed out. I want my husband to see what I see in this situation but I really don't think he does. I am so tired I have literally fallen asleep at my desk the past two days and I am falling behind in my school work. I just don't know what it's going to take to get him to see that something needs to be done. I know I am whining and not making sense but right now it's just super hard for me to do what I need to do without him being there.

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Re: Overreacting?

  • It's easy to see why you are so stressed out and tired.  I too am pregnant (our first) and have done the work and school thing while married, however, not with a baby and pregnant!  First of all, take a step back.  I realize you are not in the position to quit your job since you are AF.  You also can't quit being mommy and wife.  From my perspective, it seems like the only thing you could slack on would be school to give yourself some relief. Is there a way to cut back or take a break from classes?

    Just from my limited (less than one year as an actual military wife) standpoint, many men feel like attending to their family in some way appears as a weakness to some individuals that always see it as "mission first".  It's tough when these individuals are your superiors and could potentially affect your career.  Because you are female, it is to be expected that your kids (and family) come first.  It's the way we are wired. Having a LO and being pregnant also means you are exhausted, and if you are anything like me, impatient and irrational!  I do a very poor job at being patient these days and I have my days where I am probably less tolerable than a child pitching a whiny fit all day. 

    Good luck with your decisions.  I know it's tough.  You're in a unique situation, with you both being military and all.  Hang in there. ((((HUGS))))

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  • We are also Mil to Mil,  I understand some of your concerns but my question is what would you like him to do? 

    Have you come up with some ideas so that your not feeling so stressed?  Also what is stressing you out specifically?

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  • I think all the PP bring up good points and questions.

    My H is AD and I work FT.  I am not being rude by anymeans so please do not take this wrong, after reading your post I immediately thought, wow she is pregnant with #2 and going through all of this.  SO i guess my question would be, Were things the same with only #1?  I also go to school and take care of home and DD and everything else under the sun so I know things are very stressful. 

    I agree with the PP asking what do you think your H should do.  Being AD you should understand the challenges your H faces.  Does he help you at home at all?  When you say you have to do it all alone it makes it seem as if he does nothing to help you around the house, with the kids, etc.

    Maybe taking some time off from school will help you get in the swing of things.  With a new baby on the way things will only become more demanding for both of you.  While your husband may not want to budge with his schedule he def needs to hear why you are so frustrated at home.  But as hard as it may seem try not to go at him like it is all his fault because clearly that s going to piss him off.  Being mil to mil has to be stressful since being civ to mil is stressful.

    Best of luck and as always the ladies of the board are always here to help.

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  • What do you mean, he does nothing? During the day when he's home, is he taking care of  your child and doing some stuff around the house? Or is it just that you come home from work and have to do everything yourself, and you have the child in daycare or something so he has the whole day to himself?

    I'm not military, but I have a very challenging job that requires long hours and travel, and, like you, everyone else my H works with has a stay at home wife. It's definitely frustrating at times because I feel like I'm being judged for having a career and not being wife all the time. Not saying it's true, it's just a perception I have.

    My H is very open to talking to me about my frustrations and working out a feasible plan for us to be happy. He likes the house to be super clean and neat, for example but he doesn't do it himself. He's not that messy or anything, he's just the type who'll leave his clothes right next to the hamper, leave without making the bed, not clean the bathroom or anything and then make a comment like "The house is a mess." He claims it's just an observation; I take it as a criticism. After getting upset about this over and over again, we decided to hire a part-time housekeeper. It's money I'd rather save, especially with the baby on the way, but it's just worth it to not have to worry about the house being a mess, laundry not getting done, etc. One less thing on my plate.

    Can you look into hiring outside help to do things you don't have time to do around the house?

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  • Have you considered separating from the military? (In the AF, at least, you can separate any time before you actually give birth---as a pregnancy related separation)

    I have 2 little ones at home and am 27 weeks pregnant and my husband just left for Korea. I told him that I wasn't going to take any classes while he was gone, becuase it would be way too much on my plate.

    I agree with the other pp'rs, it doesn't really sound like there's anything he can do. It's the shift he was assigned to, and he can't change that. I am assuming that you have your child in daycare, since there's no telling with shift schedules when you'll both be on days and need care during that time.

    Does he need to pick up around the house, so you don't have to worry about it in the evenings? Does he need to get dinner started, or fixed and ready for you to reheat?

    I am not real sure why you'd keep bringing up the fact that you're the only mil-mil couple in his shop. He can't help that.

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