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lauralovesbob
member
Dealing with DH's lack of help?
lauralovesbob
member
I was just wondering how much other people's husbands (or SOs) help out. We were at my husband's family reunion last weekend and all his aunties were talking about how their husbands would take a shift in the evening or do a bottle feeding overnight to give their wives a rest. I know my own dad helped my mom very little when we were born, and she still resents it.
Anyway, I'm up and on the internet because I can't sleep, I have had it with DH's lack of help. Today he got home from work and asked how the baby had slept. DS was up every 3 hours last night. I was telling him about this (and in the middle of changing a diaper and outfit, which I was hoping he'd take over) and he lays down on the couch to take a nap! I'm in the middle of fixing dinner, which he makes no offer to help with. Then before LO's bedtime, I'd just gotten done pumping and am trying to wash the pump parts (and I have to scald the milk because of stupid lipase issues). DS starts crying because he's tired, and my husband hands him to me and goes to sit down and watch TV. I started being a crybaby and told him I needed some help (perhaps not so nicely, I told him I felt like breaking his TV). He put DS to bed, but hasn't spoken to me since then. By the time I finished folding laundry and took a shower DH was asleep. No discussion of what we need to do or offer to help out more.
Ugh!! I have to go back to work this Saturday. I am terrified that I'm going to have to do a full days work, come home and do chores, and then barely sleep. .All while DH acts like this is life before baby. I need some suggestions for what others have done to get their husbands to help out.
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Re: Dealing with DH's lack of help?
DH is helpful, but not as helpful as I would like. I have learned that I need to be very literal with him. I have to tell him what I want him to do and when I want it done, or else I just get pissed off.
He wasn't all too helpful when we just had one, now that we have two, he sees my desperation and has really stepped up to the plate. Hopefully your DH will do the same soon.
I had to make lists for awhile because for some reason men have no idea what needs to be done on a daily basis. For example-he can't look at the heaping pile of laundry and realize that it needs washed or put away.
Things have been less tense around here since I've started just telling him that he needs to do certain things.
it's hard for me DH - he works 5am - 8:30pm every day and rarelt gets home in between his split shifts........ i'm EBFing too so i can't really ask for help - he has done whatever chores i have asked him too but he is finding it hard not being able to spend time with his son and gets all whiney about the fact i have all day at home with him..........
i'd like him to be more supportive of the fact i need sleep - each night he wants to hang out with me till like 11pm - i feel bad but all i want to do is get a few good hours in before DS wakes for his feed!!!!
i still do the cooking and cleaning - but DH has gotten better at staking unstaking the dishwasher, hanging out or putting on laundry, he still asks me to pack his breakfast and lunch each day which frustrates me but i guess that the life of a wife and mum
I'm a SAHM with two little ones, and my husband was working two jobs up until a month ago, so he really didn't have time to help out and it was HARD. Lately he's been down to one job, and while I don't ask him to do the dishes or laundry unless I really need him to (we agreed I would do those things, he would do yard work, pay the taxes, etc), I do expect him to do a lot of helping with the kids. He's great at taking care of them if I ask really nicely (getting them to sleep, etc) but doesn't do the little necessary things that go along with those tasks-for example, if he gets our son down from his highchair, he almost never cleans up the food off the tray. I have to nag him to do it, and then I feel pissed that I had to keep asking, and he's pissed that I'm not backing off.
Basically my best advice would be to tell him specifically what you want him to do, and ask REALLY nicely. My husband told me he'd much rather get off the couch and do something for me if I use positive reinforcement. Frankly, I don't think he needs a gold star for changing a diaper, but if it means I don't have to stand there and b*tch at him for five minutes, fine, I'll ask as nicely as I can. Hope that helps.
DH rarely does anything with DD. He comes home and plays his games or watched tv. He complains because DD cries when he holds her. I tried to tell him if he held her more, maybe she would get used to him.
He keeps talking about how much fun it is to have DD and how much he wants another one, when I know if/when we have #2, it would still be all on me.
I'm still on maternity leave but my DH knows that if he wants to eat, he needs to tend to our DD while I cook dinner. Everyday when he gets home from work, I hand DD over to him without any hesitation. My DH is an early riser even on weekends, so on weekends I hand the baby over to him at her 5 am feeding and I go straight to bed to get some sleep.
Like a pp said some men need for you to be real literal with them. Start leaving your baby alone with your DH and go grocery shopping or run some short errands. This will force your DH to tend to your baby instead of relying on you.
Having said that, if there is something specific I need done, I ask. DH isn't a mind-reader and a lot of the time he assumes I have everything under control unless I tell him otherwise. So, I would suggest talking to your husband when you're both calm and go over how you'd like him to help. Don't wait until you're tired and frustrated and ready to scalp him for laziness.
My DH does way more than his share of chores around the house and does 50% of the work with LO too. I EBF and he works (I SAH), but on weekends he does everything except feed LO so I can get some sleep.
I think you need to sit DH down and have a talk about what you expect of him, BEFORE you get ticked off at him. It would definitely be unacceptable to me for DH to come home and camp out in front of the TV, but I would tell him that rather than waiting for him to figure it out himself. He probably doesn't know you need help if you are not directly asking for it and detailing what you need.
This,
DH doesnt do anything, I cook, clean do the laundry bath DD, shop etc. He literally comes home from work and plays his games or goes on the computer until he goes to bed, complains when he holds her she "doesnt like him" and gives her back to me I barely shower and smell! aha he makes sure shes sleeping before i do anything, so when im done shes just getting up! Ive been asking for him to do things since we moved 3 months ago - our bed still isnt in the frame, DD still hasn't been put on his health plan on and on. I constantly say i need help and he needs to take her sometimes he rather do a chore then take her, Im getting so annoyed but you only can nag so much and when they still dont do anything what do you do? Nothing without sounding like your constantly nagging. err!
You need to sit down with your H and discuss the expectations you have for him. And if you need help, ask for it. Before it reaches the point in which you are a mess and can't have a good conversation.
My H helps, with everything.
I must have lucked out. As soon as my H is home from work (around 4:30) and on weekends he does almost everything with Isaiah (excluding feeding since I EBF), including most of the diapers. He does baths, changes his clothes, plays with him, reads to him, soothes him, etc. He has really stepped up and I can tell that he loves being a father, even if it means changing the 3rd poopy diaper in 2 hours.
I would say you need to talk to your husband when you are both calmed down. Don't accuse him of anything, just explain what you need and how he can help. Use a lot of "I" statements so he knows that you're not blaming him for anything.
This. I can't even believe any of you had babies with these men.
I ask. As far as DD goes he is constantly asking what else he can do to help. He almost hates that I EBF because it makes it impossible for him to give me a really long break.
You are probably right. Very sad.
My husband helps out all the time.
Yes, I do ask him. Typically he is home around 6:00ish (although may days he is home by 5). While he may not be taking care of Reese when he is home, he isn't sitting on the couch usually. He does all the yard work (which can take upwards of two hours, since we are on an acre of property) and now that it is summer has been grilling for dinner. When he does have down time and is on the couch, he watches our daughter so I can either get stuff done in the house or just shower and relax.
He used to take her breakfast feeding/changing which was around 6:00am, however now she wakes up for that around 8:30 and he is already left for work. On the weekends or when he is off, he does take the middle of the night feeding. He also usually does the last feeding of the day as well. If I ask him for help with anything (getting bottles ready, changing her, feeding her) he has no problem stepping up. I have gone out for a few hours and have had him watching her then as well.
In answer to the question in your first paragraph, my DH helps out all the time. With the baby and with the house. We both do laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc., and we both feed, change, and get up with DD at night. No, i don't have to ask other than a "hey, I need to finish something for work, can you give her the next bottle?" or something like that.
Honestly, for me, any other way is not an option. Our marriage has always been an equal partnership, and I just assumed parenting would be as well.
ETA: And I have to agree with PPs: I'm a little surprised that these aren't issues that were discussed before TTC. Or honestly, marriage. We were somewhat young when we got married, but we had talked in depth about how we were raised, what we liked about our households growing up, what we wanted to do different, and how we saw our roles in our home. I was pretty clear that I expected things to be equal, and that I saw parenting as a 50/50 responsiblity. And he was clear that he agreed.
I did a little more of the work when I was home, since I could nap during the day and DH couldn't. Now we divide the work as evenly as possible with BFing.
Most nights DH cooks dinner and does the dishes while I feed the baby. I prep stuff for daycare and take her. He almost always picks her up. We split laundry and we both clean the house on Saturday, unless there is yard work to do then he does that and I clean.
DH loves being a hands-on dad. He gives her baths, changes diapers, gets her dressed in the morning, will get up with her at night if she is just fussy (not hungry).
Honestly, I wouldn't have married someone who wasn't like this. We discussed this a lot before we got married and even more before I got pregnant.
My Ovulation Chart
And it's only 30 days for ours.
This could be a major problem for the pp.
I am a SAHM, and as far as I am concerned the cooking and cleaning is my job, but DH will gladly help if I ask. He works 60 hours a week so I can stay home so I rarely do, I think it's only fair.
However when it comes to the kids, I expect him to co-parent the moment he walks through the door. That is not solely my job. He helped create these children, I expect him to do as much with them as I do when he is around. And DH does great with it. I never have to ask him to help me with the kids, will hand him DD the moment he walks through the door and he will take over chasing DS so I can sit down or work on dinner.
Before DH understood what I needed, I had to be very specific with him and explain it a few times. Also, I had to be ok with the fact that even though he wasn't doing things MY way, he was still helping and that is all I can ask.
I think this is a really good point. Sometimes I realize I'm doing more stuff with her, and it's because I'm being a control freak. My DH does things his way, and sure my way is probably more efficient or "better," but she'll be fine if Daddy picks a non-matching onesie to go under her PJs, or gives her a bottle before changing her diaper when I usually do it the other way around.
If she's happy and he's feeling good about his efforts, I need to unclench and let him be.
This is us exactly. I SAH full time and my DH works a lot and travels. But when he is home, he is expected to co-parent and he does very well.
Very well written, Heather!
aCg 3.1.07 | hCr 5.5.11
Thanks for all the replies ladies! I'm glad that there are other people going through similar things, and I will try to talk with him before I get mad about what I need help with. IDespite the fact that I don't want to be a chore-keeper or nag, it sounds like I'm just going to have to ask him to do things rather than waiting for some initiative. I'm also going to let him do things his way when he does decide to help rather than being too bossy. I'd also like to cancel the cable TV, but that's just wishful thinking :-)
As far as discussing this before DS was born, I'm surprised that because so many women are having trouble, the conclusion is we never talked about it. I think neither of us realized how much work it would be. Prior to me taking maternity leave, I worked longer hours than DH and he did more than his share of the daily housekeeping. I'm not sure if it's because I'm at home now, so he thinks I have spare time to take care of the baby AND all the housework, but he has stopped being as helpful. He also took 2 weeks off after our son was born, and was very helpful then. I think I got into the habit of not waking him up because he had to work, and somehow let that slip into him not helping in the evening either.