Sister in the delivery room

wife/mom · June 2011

I want my sister to be in the delivery room with us and my husband is totally against it! I was in the room when she had her 3rd baby and it was completely amazing. This is our 2nd and she asked to be in the room. what can i tell my husband to help convince him? he said if she is in there he wont be! (i think that is just a threat but still) he gets along very well with my sister he just thinks that this should be between just us. I want to give her the opportunity to experience what I got to and since i am her only sister this is the only way she will be able to. TIA

Kristihotgurl33 · June 2011

He should understand if it something that really matters to you. Its not gonna take away from the experience of you two by having her in there to help you out.. she could help take pics and get things you need. I had my sister there with me and im soo happy i did.

reason00 · June 2011

I'm shocked he's so against it. It's your private parts on display, it's your choice ultimately.

How about if you tell him your sister will just remain by your head and stuff, would that comfort him more?

My sister in law would like to be there, and at first I was a bit weirded out, but I'm really close with her, and this is her first neice/nephew and she'd really like to be there. I asked her if maybe she can be by my head side and video tape.

Ess-elle · June 2011

I'm not much help since I agree with your husband that delivery should be a private moment for the parents to share. However, his "if she's going to be there, I'm not" threat - even if it IS just a threat - is totally over the top and ridiculous.

Just talk to him about why it's important to you to share it with her, and hear him out on why it's important to him to share it only with you. Hear eachother out and go from there.

KrisM86 · June 2011

While I understand your husband wanting the moment with just the two of you and it is just as much his baby as yours, you are the one in labor. IMO, that means you make the final call on who is in the room.

Maybe you could compromise by having her there for most of the labor, but when it comes time to deliver, she could leave you alone with your DH (and doctors/midwives of course)? Or maybe you could agree that once the baby is out and checked over, everyone will leave the room so you and your DH have some bonding time alone with the baby (some hospitals probably won't be cool with that right away though)?

Just some suggestions, but like I said, I think it's ultimately your call. For your DH to say he won't be there if she is seems pretty ridiculous unless they have some awful history.

ababymaybe · June 2011

What is his objection specifically? I would try to get to the 'why' of it... Maybe he's worried he will be pushed out and excluded if she is there?

avbliss · June 2011

With #1 I was sure I wanted my mother in the room by my husband was like yours and wanted it just us. Since so many birthing decisions were mine to make I allowed him to have this one, and I was really glad for it! But if you already had that experience with your first, perhaps remind DH of how much work he put in to helping you and that having your sister around as an assistant to HIM, such as getting you more ice, keeping his drink full, giving him a break when he needs it, etc. So she would be sort of your doula, with out having to pay for it! If when the time comes for LO to make their grand entrance he still feels strongly that it should be a personal family moment you may need to give that to him. There's so little they have any control or input in that giving him this really not that bad. And maybe when you have #3 he'll be ready to let her be there to share the moment.

kwcw · June 2011

I had my sister in the room with #1 and it was the best thing ever, she is also a L&D nurse and it was so nice to have her "coach" and take care of the baby when it was born instead of some random nurse. She will be in the room again with this baby, I can't imagine doing it without her.

wife/mom · June 2011

All I can get out of him is that it should be just between us. I dont think it is a matter of him getting pushed out of the way, with my first he was the one behind my head and not on the side view to see all the action!! I will try and talk to him more to see what his main reasoning is. I do think it is a special moment for us too, and I totally understand that but at the same time just knowing how amazing it is and that my sister may never get to experience that if it is not with us kind of breaks my heart!!

That is a good idea about asking for some time right after to have family time! last time everyone was standing right outside the door and flooded the room while i was still being stiched up!! father in law and all!!!

wife/mom · June 2011

avbliss:
With #1 I was sure I wanted my mother in the room by my husband was like yours and wanted it just us. Since so many birthing decisions were mine to make I allowed him to have this one, and I was really glad for it! But if you already had that experience with your first, perhaps remind DH of how much work he put in to helping you and that having your sister around as an assistant to HIM, such as getting you more ice, keeping his drink full, giving him a break when he needs it, etc. So she would be sort of your doula, with out having to pay for it! If when the time comes for LO to make their grand entrance he still feels strongly that it should be a personal family moment you may need to give that to him. There's so little they have any control or input in that giving him this really not that bad. And maybe when you have #3 he'll be ready to let her be there to share the moment.

Whoa whoa!! number 3??? lets slow down!!

Jules08 · June 2011

Ess-elle:
I'm not much help since I agree with your husband that delivery should be a private moment for the parents to share. However, his "if she's going to be there, I'm not" threat - even if it IS just a threat - is totally over the top and ridiculous.

Just talk to him about why it's important to you to share it with her, and hear him out on why it's important to him to share it only with you. Hear eachother out and go from there.

This 100% You both need to sit down and figure out what you both want and why and then come to a mutual decision.

(I hate the argument that "you're the one in labor, so ultimately it's your decision" I just find that to be a very selfish statement)

MrsG.060708 · June 2011

Jules08:
Ess-elle:

I'm not much help since I agree with your husband that delivery should be a private moment for the parents to share. However, his "if she's going to be there, I'm not" threat - even if it IS just a threat - is totally over the top and ridiculous.

Just talk to him about why it's important to you to share it with her, and hear him out on why it's important to him to share it only with you. Hear eachother out and go from there.

This 100% You both need to sit down and figure out what you both want and why and then come to a mutual decision.

(I hate the argument that "you're the one in labor, so ultimately it's your decision" I just find that to be a very selfish statement)

When you're half naked, in labor, it SHOULD be her decision. She is the one in a very vulnerable situation. She is the one who needs/wants the support. She has every right to be a little selfish at that time.

I told my husband that if HE wants the choice of who is in the delivery room, than I expect him to be naked from the waist down as well.

mben1119 · June 2011

I agree with your husband 100%. It is our baby, and our moment. I'm already going to have to share it with the doctors and nurses, why add more people into the fray?

lvisser · June 2011

MrsG.060708:

When you're half naked, in labor, it SHOULD be her decision. She is the one in a very vulnerable situation. She is the one who needs/wants the support. She has every right to be a little selfish at that time.

I told my husband that if HE wants the choice of who is in the delivery room, than I expect him to be naked from the waist down as well.

Not if its going to ruin the day for him. Maybe he has a horrible relationship with the sister? Should she still be allowed in?

In the end, he is the father, and should also have a say.

The ONLY thing my DH did NOT have a single ounce of say in was my epidural.

mrsgabus · June 2011

I agree with your husband in some degree. I Had my mom in the room along with my husband when in labor with my son. I can say 100 percent that it did take away from the special moment. I love my mom to death and she was very helpful but she was also in the way (no matter where she was) and it made my husband feel out of place.

This time around It is just The DH and Me, If anyone wants to be involved they can wait in the waiting room lol

However I am not saying your sister shouldnt be involved it is a personal choice between the two of you. It is Important that you discuss all the reasons why you want your sister in the room and explain how important you feel about it. Then From there ask your husband why and what he is feelings. His "her or me thing" is over board but You need to tell him that you cannot understand his thinking if he doesnt voice his opinion or reasoning.

You are the one who will be butt naked and in pain so the end decision should be yours

Jules08 · June 2011

MrsG.060708:
Jules08:
Ess-elle:

I'm not much help since I agree with your husband that delivery should be a private moment for the parents to share. However, his "if she's going to be there, I'm not" threat - even if it IS just a threat - is totally over the top and ridiculous.

Just talk to him about why it's important to you to share it with her, and hear him out on why it's important to him to share it only with you. Hear eachother out and go from there.

This 100% You both need to sit down and figure out what you both want and why and then come to a mutual decision.

(I hate the argument that "you're the one in labor, so ultimately it's your decision" I just find that to be a very selfish statement)

When you're half naked, in labor, it SHOULD be her decision. She is the one in a very vulnerable situation. She is the one who needs/wants the support. She has every right to be a little selfish at that time.

I told my husband that if HE wants the choice of who is in the delivery room, than I expect him to be naked from the waist down as well.

Eh, I just have a very different line of thinking. Clearly he feels very strongly about it and I think that out of respect for each other they need to discuss it and then make the decision together. Maybe he sees her point and makes a compromise and maybe it would be the other way around, but I think just to use it as sole reason for the decision is unfair. I wouldn't do it with other aspects of my life and I wouldn't make an exception and do that now. JMO.

Glad DH and I are on the same page that we were the two that created this little boy, and we will be the only ones (outside of medical staff) that will be in the room.

Luvvy1 · June 2011

The way I see it, the day he is in labor, he can choose who he wants there to support him. Yes, the day is also about him becoming a father, but him acting childish and threatening you with his absence is really lame. If you want your sister there and you want the extra support from her, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and he needs to realize that when push (/cymbal crash) comes to shove, it's ultimately your decision.

lala1608 · June 2011

Luvvy1:
The way I see it, the day he is in labor, he can choose who he wants there to support him. Yes, the day is also about him becoming a father, but him acting childish and threatening you with his absence is really lame. You want your sister there. You want the extra support from her. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and he needs to realize that when push (/cymbal crash) comes to shove, it's ultimately your decision.

This...If my husband threatened to leave because my sister was in the room I would gladly show him the door!

mben1119 · June 2011

Jules08:
MrsG.060708:
Jules08:
Ess-elle:

I'm not much help since I agree with your husband that delivery should be a private moment for the parents to share. However, his "if she's going to be there, I'm not" threat - even if it IS just a threat - is totally over the top and ridiculous.

Just talk to him about why it's important to you to share it with her, and hear him out on why it's important to him to share it only with you. Hear eachother out and go from there.

This 100% You both need to sit down and figure out what you both want and why and then come to a mutual decision.

(I hate the argument that "you're the one in labor, so ultimately it's your decision" I just find that to be a very selfish statement)

When you're half naked, in labor, it SHOULD be her decision. She is the one in a very vulnerable situation. She is the one who needs/wants the support. She has every right to be a little selfish at that time.

I told my husband that if HE wants the choice of who is in the delivery room, than I expect him to be naked from the waist down as well.

Eh, I just have a very different line of thinking. Clearly he feels very strongly about it and I think that out of respect for each other they need to discuss it and then make the decision together. Maybe he sees her point and makes a compromise and maybe it would be the other way around, but I think just to use it as sole reason for the decision is unfair. I wouldn't do it with other aspects of my life and I wouldn't make an exception and do that now. JMO.

Glad DH and I are on the same page that we were the two that created this little boy, and we will be the only ones (outside of medical staff) that will be in the room.

Same. I'm glad I'm not the only one out there who doesn't want other family in the room.

wife/mom · June 2011

Thanks everyone. I can see there are very strong view points on this subject. I will definitely make sure the decision is OURS in the end...I am not going to say just because I am having the baby it is MY decision. I do think he has a say in it. He is a very stubborn person, so we will see if we can come to a compromise.

christinaramirez08 · June 2011

Ess-elle:

I'm not much help since I agree with your husband that delivery should be a private moment for the parents to share. However, his "if she's going to be there, I'm not" threat - even if it IS just a threat - is totally over the top and ridiculous.

Just talk to him about why it's important to you to share it with her, and hear him out on why it's important to him to share it only with you. Hear eachother out and go from there.

I agree with that, but I cant blame him for making that threat. Yes, we as women will be pushing that child out of our bodies, but that child is also just as much our DH's as it is ours and therefore just as much their decision as it is ours on who gets to be in the room.

Was your sister their for your first child's birth? If so I think it's only a fair compromise that it's just the two of you this time around. It should be an equal decision between the two of you.

We alway want our men to play an equal role in raising our children yet we try and pull the giving birth card to get our way and I don't think that's fair.

Mac0711 · June 2011

My sister is my very best friend and I considered having her in the room. However this is DH's first and I think it would be a lovely intimate moment for us to share. That being said - while I don't agree with his threat to make you choose, I think you guys really need to talk about it. Maybe your H is feeling a little selfish about wanting to steal that moment for just you and him and I think that's understandable. My guess is that his reason behind it has very little to do with how he feels about her, and more to do with wanting to be your rock during the delivery and to share this moment just between the two of you.

The New Mrs. · June 2011

Well ask yourself this, how would you feel if DH insisted his mom or sister be in the room? Wanted them there as badly as you want your sister? Put yourself in his shoes... I'm sure you can understand it's not fair to not compromise.

If you want to try a different angle, maybe have her off to the side (not holding one of your legs but rather behind all the Dr's and nurses) to take pictures. My sis held my leg (DH and I were both perfectly fine with this) and DH held the other and counted. Then after the baby was born, my sis was off to the side taking pics of DH by the baby while the nurses were weighing, measuring, bathing the baby etc. And then when it was time for DH and I to hold DS, my sister was very discreetly off to the side, with the camera zoomed in to capture the moment DH, myself and DS had. Forgot she was even there and have some great pictures of our first moments together that we wouldn't have had otherwise. Maybe try it at that angle. I promise, you'll both love seeing those pictures later. But also, if DH agrees, make sure your sister is on the same page and ok not being all up in the delivery but rather observing from a distance. Still an amazing experience for her, you get her there and DH gets to have that moment with you and baby without your sister right in between the three of you.

cottonlily84 · June 2011

I'm not just the MOM in the room; I'm the PATIENT. Therefore what I say goes. That's my opinion. I agree that most if not all parenting decisions should be by agreement of both parents. However, until that kid pops out I'm not a parent. I'm a patient in a strange building full of sick people, mostly naked and completely nervous so I if I want my sister there for support daddy-to-be will just have to suck it up. Pregnancy is the only 9 months you get to be selfish. Enjoy it.

Now having said all that, I wouldn't want my sister in the room!. I watched her first be born, along with her boyfriend and our mother and there's no way I'm having that kind of attention/crowd in my room. I would do much better laboring alone - even without DH - than I will worrying about what everyone else in in the room is or should be doing. I want to labor like a cat...give me a dark corner in a closet and leave me be! LOL

cottonlily84 · June 2011

I'm not just the MOM in the room; I'm the PATIENT. Therefore what I say goes. That's my opinion. I agree that most if not all parenting decisions should be by agreement of both parents. However, until that kid pops out I'm not a parent. I'm a patient in a strange building full of sick people, mostly naked and completely nervous so I if I want my sister there for support daddy-to-be will just have to suck it up. Pregnancy is the only 9 months you get to be selfish. Enjoy it.

Now having said all that, I wouldn't want my sister in the room!. I watched her first be born, along with her boyfriend and our mother and there's no way I'm having that kind of attention/crowd in my room. I would do much better laboring alone - even without DH - than I will worrying about what everyone else in in the room is or should be doing. I want to labor like a cat...give me a dark corner in a closet and leave me be! LOL

KBaker421 · June 2011

Uh your body, your choice.

I'm sure he is making an empty threat but those would be fighting words with me. Like... really?? You would really miss the birth of your child out of stubbornness? go eff yourself...

varkeyr · June 2011

Calmly explain to him that when he gets hungry, tired or just wants some water he can leave you in your sister's hands. This might help him to see her as a help and not some interfering outsider.

Lissa832 · June 2011

I think it is your choice who is NOT allowed to be in the delivery room, but I think your DH has that right too. He isn't allowed to say, "I want my mom in the room" if you don't want her there. However, if he is serious about this, I think you need to respect his opinion as well.

For me, I would never want anyone other than my DH in the room. If you weren't involved in creating the baby, you shouldn't be there (with exception of the medical staff).

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