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NBR: Need advice for a friend (long)

MELuckyInLoveMELuckyInLove member
in Eco-Friendly Family

Just found out that a friend of mine has been dealing with a burden for a long time. She's a SAHM and her husband had a health scare 2 years ago and spent 3 weeks in the hospital. During this time, she found out that he blasted 100 grand out of their 2nd mortgage over the past 5 years. She signed the paperwork when they took out the loan over 10 years ago but they agreed that it would only be used for an emergency fund IF ever needed. 

Her SOB husband refuses to tell her where the money went. His excuse is that he "screwed up". She gave him 1 year to get his health back before repaying the money owed, but it has been 2 years since and he has not paid much back. They've been married for 18 years and have 2 kids, ages 9 and 12. She wants out but cant afford to divorce him plus she doesnt want the money owed to be tied to her. They basically dont speak to each other but she does everything around the house including maintenance such as cleaning the gutters and moving the lawn. Her parents and her ILs know about the situation. They're supportive of her but cant help her financially. Since she found out she has been stashing money little by little whenever she can.

I've suggested that she goes for counseling to help her deal with this and talking to a lawyer. How else can I help her or is there an organization/ group that can help this poor woman?

  

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Re: NBR: Need advice for a friend (long)

  • blissfully_caffeinatedblissfully_caffeinated
    You are NEVER too poor to get a divorce. I would contact some battered women shelters and programs. He may not be beating her up but he's certainly abusing her. A battered woman's program could help get her in contact with the resources she needs to leave that sob. I would also advise her to try to get proof that he blew the money without her knowledge / approval so when it goes to court she can pull that card out. It might not matter (it depends on the state) but it's something.
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  • MELuckyInLoveMELuckyInLove member

    Good call, looking into Battered Womens Network in Chicago. Not sure how she can prove that he spent the money without her knowledge/ consent but I'll pass that along.

    Another reason she's hesitant to divorce is that she knows he'll be a deadbeat dad. Currently she works odd jobs or volunteers while the kids are in school but she'll have to get a full time job to support herself and the kids, meaning time away from the kids. Why does she have to deal with the consequences when he screwed up? At least now he still pays the mortgage.

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  • Lady GaladrielLady Galadriel member
    Getting out of that situation and even declaring bankruptcy if they force her to take on half is better than staying in such a horrible environment. I hope she finds the help she needs to move on from this.
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  • crackerjackprintercrackerjackprinter

    Ugh that sucks.

    I see what you are saying about her not deserving to have to work her butt off when he screwed up, but her kids would benefit more from a happy mother than a broken marriage that is still there for looks.

    How did she not know he spent the $ though?  I guess she just isn't involved in the finances at all.  Things like this make me glad i keep a close eye, it'd be impossible for DH to stash $ away.  

    I really truly hope she can get out of this situation soon and get help.  I'm glad she has such a good support system, esp. such understanding ILs!  Keep us updated if anything changes.  I'm glad she confided in you, that shows she is wanting to move forward.

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  • MELuckyInLoveMELuckyInLove member

    Bankruptcy is not going to help since it's secured debt and with the current housing market they owe more than what the house is worth.

    @CJP: I guess he took care of most of the bills and she found out about this by opening his mail while he was in the hospital. He hid the earlier statements from her. I agree that her current life sucks and that she'd be happier without him. She's definitely trying to plan an "escape" but she wants to be smart about it.

     

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  • Lotte134Lotte134
    imagecrackerjackprinter:

    I see what you are saying about her not deserving to have to work her butt off when he screwed up, but her kids would benefit more from a happy mother than a broken marriage that is still there for looks.

    This.  And working and being away from her kids isn't the end of the world.  Think of the example she can set if she extracts herself from this poisonous situation rather than showing them it's ok to be walked all over. If I were her I would find a job ASAP and then start divorce proceedings.  It won't be easy, but taking it one step at a time is really the only thing to do.

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  • blissfully_caffeinatedblissfully_caffeinated

    Bankruptcy can still help. If the mortgage is too expensive and she meets certain requirements she can file Ch 7 and move into an apartment, cheaper house, or with family (she would not be able to keep the house). If she can afford the mortgage she could file Ch 13 and get a repayment plan for the arrears. Seriously, bankruptcy really can help. Bankruptcies help with secured debts all the time.

    I know a lot of women who are not involved in the finances. I completely understand how she didn't know about it. But that's not the point here. The point is financial abuse = abuse. She is being abused and living in a hateful marriage with a sob man because she feels trapped. And in some ways she is trapped. But she can escape. She can make a better life for her and her kids. You're a good friend for caring and trying to help.. I seriously recommend finding some local resources.

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  • Sam78Sam78
    My cousin swears by The Lilac Tree (https://www.thelilactree.org/) as something to help divorcees retain their sanity.  They are located in Chicago and would be a great resource.
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  • brownrubinobrownrubino
    I'm assuming that the second mortgage was set up as a line of credit? Can she not go to the financial institution and get the 10 year history on this account? Unless he wrote checks to cash, she should be able to trace it. If she also signed, her name should be on the account, and she should have the right to ask for such history.
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  • MELuckyInLoveMELuckyInLove member
    Thanks ladies, I appreciate the advice. I'll see her again on Saturday and I'll pass along the info. She has a long hard road ahead of her but I agree that she has to do something about her situation. She can't stay with him.  
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