I just want to walk away from it all...

SallyAnneS · June 2011

I have no idea if I just have bad days or if I am dealing with PPD. I am not depressed all the time, I enjoy my son sometimes. But I also feel completly awful at other times. Maybe a 60/40 split (bad/good).

My story: I had trouble ttc, it took 19 months and 2 rounds of IUI to concieve my son. At first I really wanted to be a mom. Then I think it turned more into me really wanting to make my husband a father. I don't know if I stop wanting to be a mom before I get pregnant or if the toll of infertility was to much while I was ttc that I refocused on DH being a dad instead of me being a mom.

When I did get pregnant I was excited. But around 12 weeks I got into a funk. I was reading an article about pregnancy depression and it sounded like me. But I just kept moving on. Pregnancy hormones are awful and I started to feel better about it. I never bonded with LO while I was pregnant though. I was in complete denial that I was even pregnant or would become a mom. DH joked that the baby would pop out and I would ask who it belonged to.

LO was born 3 weeks early. I hadn't prepared myself mentally yet for the transition to being a mom. I had been off work already for 10 weeks due to a highly stressful job (emotionally) and enjoyed my time at home alone. The day before LO was born I finally started to enjoy being pregnant (I was having m/s the whole time) and I thought that I still had lots of time to get myself ready mentally to be a mom. Well that night I went into labour. When LO was born and handed to me, I just wanted to hand him over to DH. I wanted DH to be able to hold his son. I wasn't really interested. The baby blues hit me very quickly and I spent most of the first night crying and trying to explain to DH that I felt deflated and empty (emotionally). I knew I would get baby blues, I just didn't expect them to hit so soon. And I thought when LO was born I would bond instantly with him. But I didn't. I actually traded him off at 2 hours old for a bowl of cereal.

The baby blues stuck around for a few weeks. Crying all the time, worring I wasn't doing things right, and still not bonding with LO. It was hard but I figured it would go away. It never really did though. And I was starting to be unable to sleep. Anxiety took over my body. I was always thinking, worrying, and crying. A few weeks ago I told DH I needed to get a night of sleep so that I could figure out if I was just exhasted or dealing with something bigger then the baby blues. DH took LO to the cottage for the night. It gave me some time to miss my LO, which was a nice change. But the next day when I was suppose to go up to the cottage to meet them I was dragging my feet. I just didn't want to. And when my mom or MIL babysit LO I don't want to go and pick him up afterwards.

I always thought it was crazy when moms would leave there families. I understood when dad's did because the bond isn't as tight. But isn't the maternal bond suppose to be the strongest bond ever? Well I daydream now about packing a bag and going to a hotel and not coming back. The only reason I don't is because I don't want my in-laws to judge me or think I am unfit to be their son's wife or their grandchild's mother. But I just want to walk away from all this. Or have someone take LO away, or for him to be back inside me where I know he is safe and happy.

I still don't feel like I am really bonded with LO. I am going through the motions and doing all the right things. But I don't feel like I am really in the moment. DH is so in love with LO, I just don't feel the same way all the time. Yes, their are days when I feel my heart melt and am so happy for LO to be here, but I also am counting down the days for someone to babysit again.

I also don't feel I have anyone to talk to about this. I tried to talk to my mom alittle bit about it. Mostly about how hard it is to not be sleeping when I was having all the anxiety but she just says "no one said it would be easy" and "you wanted this". I feel so much worse because I did want this! I wanted this so badly. I had no idea it was going to be this hard emotionally for me. And LO is so easy and happy as a baby. I should be happy as well. I try talking to DH about it but I don't think he fully understands. He also thinks a good nights sleep will help and suggested talking LO to the cottage for another night. But I know it is more then a good nights sleep that I am missing. And having my son away from me makes me feel so much worse. Like more of a failure then I already feel.

So, I don't know. Am I just sad because I am not sleeping. But I am getting 7 broken hours a night. LO only gets up once in the middle of the night to feed. So I am sleeping from around midnight - 2am and 3 - 7am or so. I have tried napping during the day, but I just can't sleep anymore during the day.

LO has also been going through the 6w crazy phase and not sleeping as well, not eating as well, and being more fussy. Maybe that is part of my frustration. But I have been feeling this way for 6 weeks on and off.

I just don't know. Is it normal to be so sad, to want to walk away from everything on a weekly basis? Or could this be PPD? As I said, I don't feel this way every day just 60% or so of the time. Maybe I am making it to be a bigger problem then it really is? Maybe I am just to weak for all this? UGH! I don't know! (sorry this is so long. It is hard to put how I am feeling into words.)

Kelanne · June 2011

You are not alone in feeling this way. I do feel that you do have PPD. I think it's good that you recognize it and with that I hope you talk to your doctor ASAP.

The sooner you get help, the sooner you will feel like yourself and be able to bond with your son.

You love your son. Bonding isn't always instant or natural. It can take time and that's OK. You can't force it.

I think you TTC problems could contribute to how you feel now. Maybe it made your expectations higher.

Also, don't under estimate the lack of sleep. I had a lot more trouble when I wasn't sleeping.

Big ((( HUGS ))) to you and I hope you feel better soon.

ladipale · June 2011

Yes, this sounds like PPD to me too. Feeling sad 60% of the time is not fun. My depression also started during pregnancy, although I did not recognize it until after my daughter got here.

I recommend you talk with you OB and try to see a therapist (perhaps one recommended by your OB). Your mental health is very important.

I found this website instrumental in helping me feel 'normal' and helping me get the help I needed: https://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/

:: hugs :;

SallyAnneS · June 2011

I have my "6" week appt with my OB next tuesday so I am definatly going to talk to her about how I am feeling. Today I am not feeling as sad, just really tired. But LO has also been sleeping more today giving me some quiet time. It is days like today when I am feeling a bit more normal that I wonder if it is PPD or just that I need a lot more sleep then I am getting. Hopefully my OB can connect me with a therapist and I can start to feel happier more often the sad.

astroMom · June 2011

I am not a doctor but this definitely seems like PPD or PPA. Many of us said the same thing - "I'm just tired."

https://postpartumprogress.org/2011/02/the-six-stages-of-postpartum-depression/

Also, it is so hard when you talk to your mom & DH, and they don't understand. Just remember that they are NOT trained professionals. You need to see a doctor and/or therapist. Try to cut yourself some slack in the meantime. You are NOT weak!

hasenbank · June 2011

Kelanne:
You are not alone in feeling this way. I do feel that you do have PPD. I think it's good that you recognize it and with that I hope you talk to your doctor ASAP.

The sooner you get help, the sooner you will feel like yourself and be able to bond with your son.

You love your son. Bonding isn't always instant or natural. It can take time and that's OK. You can't force it.

I think you TTC problems could contribute to how you feel now. Maybe it made your expectations higher.

Also, don't under estimate the lack of sleep. I had a lot more trouble when I wasn't sleeping.

Big ((( HUGS ))) to you and I hope you feel better soon.

All of this. At 6 weeks I was a mess. Very, very emotional and I couldn't wait for DH to get home so I could bathe, run to the store, etc. - just something to be by myself. Granted, I was home all.the.time by myself. My family doesn't really live near us and DH had just started a new job and gone back to school full time. It was crazy.

Thankfully, my OB gave me an Rx and it made a world of difference for me. I seriously recommended talking to some kind of dr. Don't feel stupid about it, it happens. It's not like you can just turn off a switch and have it go away.

Oh and I always thought I was supposed to be head over heals the moment my DS came out into the world. Yeah, well, not so much. It took awhile for me. I needed to get to know this little person, what he liked, didn't like, his personality. I now love my son more than anything and everyday I am reminded of how awesome he is.

It will get easier. The older my DS got, the better I felt.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

teacherjess · July 2011

I had the same experience. I have read that PPD sets in a few weeks after the baby is born, but mine was almost immediately after she was born. With a few hours, I had sent her to the nursery and was more concerned with my next meal. As soon as we came home, I cried and cried and just wanted nothing to do with her. From there, it escalated into wanting to run away. I fantasized about leaving, where I would go, being by myself, not being a mom, etc. I would sit and cry and think about how irreversible having a baby was. It was torturous because there was obviously nothing I could do to turn back time, and in the meantime, I wanted nothing to do with my daughter. It took me about four weeks on antidepressants (Lexapro) before I even felt human and not like running away. You should not have to feel like this. See a doctor, because there are meds and people who can help you feel better about this.

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