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December 2011 Moms
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MIL Vent - Advice Please? :-(

KansasFarmMommaKansasFarmMomma member
in December 2011 Moms

I'm back from harvest! Finally! It only took two weeks lol. Anyway, this was an incident that happened during harvest, and I wanted to ask advice.

 My mother, who I am very close to lives in NY(we are in Kansas), and my in-laws(who I absolutely cannot stand) live half an hour away here in Kansas. DH & I had asked my mom to come out and stay with us for a few weeks when the baby is born so she can help me because this is our first child and I have no idea what I am doing. DH gets along much better with my mom, than his parents.

We do not want my in-laws(or anyone other than my mother) around for the first month or so other than for very brief short visits where they can visit the baby, and then leave so DH & I can bond with and get LO settled into feeding & sleeping schedules. They(my in-laws) stress me out and are not helpful at all. We had to go out to dinner with them last week and MIL made a comment about how she better go get all her shots updated because she was going to come "camp out" at our place when the baby was born. She got all mad when DH said "we'll have to see". We do not want her there for extended periods because unlike my mother, she will not help with cleaning, cooking, etc. She just wants to come and play with the baby. She is absolutely morbidly obese(I'm not skinny...I weigh 220 and she makes me look like a super model), and cannot do much of anything without getting tired out.

 We are not trying to "keep the baby from them", but for the first month or so...we really don't want anyone around. I am not comfortable with breastfeeding in front of them, so anytime I had to feed the baby I'd have to go to the bedroom and I will not ask "advice" from them because they are the kind of people who believe there is only one right way of doing things(their way) and if you don't do it their way you are doing it wrong.

How do we explain to them that they are not welcome to show up anytime they want and stay as long as they want...and when we ask them to leave, they really need to go...

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Re: MIL Vent - Advice Please? :-(

  • DiademChiDiademChi member

    This is tough.  First of all, you are 100% in the right to say who can visit, and for how long, etc.

    Invest in good locks.  You are not obligated to answer the door.  Set aside pre-scheduled visits and require that the in-laws follow this schedule; your needs as a family come first.  Make it clear that you want them to be involved, but that you want to see how things go and not be bombarded with drop-in company at unexpected hours.

    As for kicking them out of the house once you let them inside, that can be really tough.  Claiming you need a nap (which will hardly be far-fetched), and asking that everyone leave so you can get some sleep should be enough.

    Also mention that you want privacy while you get the hang of breastfeeding.  That usually is enough to get people to leave you alone. 

    Married 5-24-2008;
    BFP 4-19-11. Ezri Ana born on due date, Dec 30 2011!
    My Ovulation Chart 
    BFP 10-05-2014; MMC 11-15-2014.
    BFP 02-17-2015
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  • kwinkle1980kwinkle1980 member

    I am kind of in the same boat. I am not sure what my MIL's plans are, but with my SIL she showed up when the baby was 3 days old and stayed for a month, wanting entertainment and criticising the new parents. She monopolized the baby, gave horrific advice, and made SIL cry every day. I really like my MIL but she is high maintanence and I do NOT want this to happen to me. I talked to my DH about it and he was less than supportive, because he is used to him mom and thinks I should appreciate her "help." I end up looking like bad guy for wanting to exclude people and she looks like Mother Theresa.

    I am not sure what the answer is, but I say stick to your guns! I don't like how childbirth has become an all-family arena event in which any and all are invited to the open house. No! I value my privacy and this is MY CHILD.

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  • CheezeFaceCheezeFace member

    I have my share of IL issues, believe  me,so I feel like I can relate.  I usually talk myself down by knowing that even though they drive me batty, they are coming from a place of love and compassion.

    They love the baby, they try to love/understand me and it doesn't always translate easily (or well) but it does start in a place of goodness.  Those kind of thoughts help me remain patient as we get to know each other's idiosynchricies.

    All that being said, this is your baby and your way of raising this child.  Just be direct, honest and kind.  Explain why you want to be on your own for the 1st month.  Explain exactly what you said in your post (that was well stated and reasonable), you aren't keeping the baby from them but you want and need the time to figure this out on your own with your Mom.  If feelings get hurt, that's on them. 

     

    ~Married 11/08~
    ~TTC since 01/09~
    ~SA & B/W - 06/09 - Normal~
    ~Encouraged by OB to "just keep trying" 06/09 - 06/10 (oh, the wasted time)~
    ~HSG - 08/10 - Clear/Normal~
    ~Lapo - 01/11 - Normal~
    ~Clomid 50mg, Trigger shot, Prometrium - 01/11, 02/11, 03/11~
    ~BFN - 02/11~
    ~IUI #1 03/15/11~
    BFP 3/28/2011
    Diagnosed with GD at 28 weeks. Controlled through diet and exercise. No insulin.
    Diagnosed with Cholestasis of pregnancy @ 36 weeks.
    Delivered via C-section @ 36 weeks on 11/9/11.

    TTC#2 for a few months naturally (ha!)
    ~IUI#1, Clomid, Trigger,  10/13 - BFN
    ~IUI#2, Femera, Ovidrel, 11/13




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