When to Say When (& Intro -- Long)

LGsquare · June 2011

This is my first post, although I've lurked for quite a while.

For starters, let me introduce myself: I'm 42 (43 in Nov) my DH is also 42. We've been TTC for 4 1/2 years without so much as one positive beta, pink line, or plus sign.

In the last 2 years we've done 7 Clomid cycles and 2 cancelled IVF cycles (poor response).

I'm really having a hard time because I'm ready to throw in the towel and say uncle. My DH threw a me curve ball and now wants to try egg donation. I'm trying really hard to relate to his need to keep trying but my goodness, when is enough, enough?

I know that the decision to end treatment will vary for each couple, but any thoughts you all have would be greatly appreciated.

justadogmommy · June 2011

I would go the egg doner route at this point. Good luck.

ForTheLoveOf Pink · June 2011

Hello, I 'm 41 and with every BFN after every "procedure" I question our moving forward. I want a baby every second of every day. My heart tells me that one day it will happen, but truthfully I know it would be a real miracle.

To answer when is enough, enough and when are you at the end? For me I always ask myself the question and I can never give myself an answer. I guess right now I don't feel like I can throw in the towel. However, we simply can't afford to do anymore cycles. (atleast until I finally get a job) So I guess we are on standby. My DH has a hard time justifying the money and no results, but I on the other hand would consider a bank loan and donor eggs to have a chance at my dream.

Mrs.McIrish · June 2011

How do you feel about donor eggs? I think they are a wonderful thing for those that want to use them and who can afford them. For us, it will not be an option. I'm going for my IVF consult tomorrow night. In my mind, I will stop TTC at the end of this calendar year (allowing me time to do 2-3 IVF cycles). I don't think I will be able to endure more. I may change my mind and that is OK. At this stage, DH and I are not open to adoption or donor eggs. It is an individual choice based on emotion/finances and desire to get back to living. Since you are the one mostly enduring treatments, when do you think it is enough? 4+ years is unimaginable to me. My heart goes out to you. It's a hard decision. I think you guys should talk it out. Any chance you think he is suggesting DE because he thinks you want to keep going? Waiting for DE can also be agonizing. Nothing about IF is easy. Hugs.

LGsquare · June 2011

Thanks all for your responses.

I just don't know... I think donor eggs are a wonderful choice and I might be more inclined to go that route if we'd had "some/any" success in the past. My heart just feels like this is never going to happen for us. This roller coaster has been all down hill for 4+ years and maybe I'm just having a pity party.

I can't imagine spending the money on DE and then getting that dreadful phone call again from the RE office with "more bad news". Just makes me sick to think of it.

Mrs.McIrish · June 2011

LGsquare:

Thanks all for your responses.

I just don't know... I think donor eggs are a wonderful choice and I might be more inclined to go that route if we'd had "some/any" success in the past. My heart just feels like this is never going to happen for us. This roller coaster has been all down hill for 4+ years and maybe I'm just having a pity party.

I can't imagine spending the money on DE and then getting that dreadful phone call again from the RE office with "more bad news". Just makes me sick to think of it.

Unfortunately that can happen. It just happened to Baze. None of her DE fertilitized. I hope she chimes in here.

You are entitled to a pity party!!! We all have them and it's ok.

Reilly626 · June 2011

That is a personal decision. Im sorry for your hardship. Know that I have sisters who delivered at 43. I say where there is a will there is a way. Have you changed doctors? Gone to the top doctor in you state? I can say in NJ in Morristown has such a high success rate. All my friends have beautiful children after going through various procedures there. I say keep trying! Donor eggs...hmm, personally it would bother me, half my husband and half another woman. But this is my opinion...

winidpu · June 2011

My heart does go out to you and I often wonder at what point I will begin to say enough is enough and how far I will go. I know that donor eggs and adoption is not for us but then I also said that I would not go so far as to do IVF. I'm am now seriously thinking that's what it may come to for us. You have to do what feels right for the both of you. I do know that month after month w/ nothing is very hard on me emotionally and physically. Hang in there.

boymamaco · June 2011

First off I'm so so sorry for all you've been through. 4 1/2 years is so hard. You've been through a ton. Have you thought about maybe looking at another RE? Are you comfortable with all the results of your bloodwork and other testing?

I was also going to mention Baze, and Shyntrue too - they both went DE route. There are a couple of other girls from here - both active and past - that have gone that route and you could open up a new thread specific to CE to invite them in for comments.

Tons of HUGS to you!

hollymichael · June 2011

LGsquare:

I can't imagine spending the money on DE and then getting that dreadful phone call again from the RE office with "more bad news". Just makes me sick to think of it.

This was my concern with DE too. DE cycles are crazy expensive. I couldn't imagine spending that kind of money and it not working.

After doing some research, we ended up going with an all inclusive guarantee program. We got a certain number of tries and if it didn't work, we would get 100% of our money back. The guarantee programs are a little more expensive (although not that much more expensive), but worth it to me for taking away the financial risk.

I am glad I trusted my instincts as it did take us two tries with DE before it worked. There are a couple of clinics offering this type of program. If you want details, let me know. I am happy to share.

baze2 · June 2011

A little late to the party..sorry!

As pp stated, I am your worst nightmare story. 5 failed IUI's, 2 cancelled (converted IUI's) and a DE cycle that ended with 14 eggs with zero fertilizing. We are in a shared risk program so we could potentially get about 2/3 of our money back. That being said we still are out $12,000...

We have not decided yet what our next step is. We are on the active adoption list with an agency. However, we have given ourselves one year before we withdrawl from that.

I will be honest with this last blow (the DE cycle) we really feel that maybe God has another plan for us. It is pretty uncommon that zero would fertilize. But with every procedure, we experienced the least likely outcome. I ovualted through all the meds with one IVF cycle.. I felt the ovulatiion about 1.5 hours before the procedure (ultrasound confirmed) etc. We are the rarity.

To be honest, I am ready to through in the towel. Take our shared risk money put it back in savings and begin to live child free. DH is not ready for that. It scares me to death to think that I am going to give up on a dream. But my emotional reserves are gone.

No one can tell you when the right time is..I wish there was a big sign or something. But yet we plug along. Please let me know if you want to talk more..

(Sorry So Long)

Classicoyote · June 2011

I can truly relate to your feelings. I was 43 in April and DH will be 46 in December. He already has a daughter from his first marriage - she is 14. We got started trying late - we've been trying for over a year now with no luck. Our RE did nothing but make me feel old, even though all of our tests showed good results and I had a high follicle count. He told us that at my "advanced age" IUI was not an option and that we should honestly think about donor eggs. Mind you, he never got me started on medications of any kind, no shots, nothing. We gave up on the RE and feel at this point, we should just keep trying on our own and if it happens, it happens. Donor eggs are not what we want. Our feeling is that if the child can't be ours (meaning no donors) then it wasn't meant to be, however, I still deal with the up and down emotions of thinking I've "failed" as a woman in not procreating. DH tries to understand but I don't think he'll ever fully get it.

I am not saying in any way that donor eggs aren't a good thing. It's just not for us. Whatever decision you make, just know I support you no matter what. Everyone has different feelings on every part of TTC.

Lots of luck and HUGS to you in whatever decision you make.

LGsquare · June 2011

Thanks everyone. I really value your input. At this point we have to decide do we want to be pregnant or do we want to be parents? I'm leaning towards the latter.

On a lighter note, we are going to an adoption workshop this weekend, who knows what will happen? I may be decorating a nursery after all.

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