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Parenting after 35
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38 and considering having another...

JJ1973JJ1973 member
in Parenting after 35

Hello,

My LO is going on one in August, and I'm still debating about whether to have another one. I completely understand this is a personal decision and everyone has their individualized list of pros/cons. Part of my decision making process relates to whether I want to put a temporary hold on my career. Up until now, I've been able to hack it, but with two, I kind of worry I'd need to go down to part time or change my trajectory completely. And then there is biology...who the heck knows what that would hold. Two years ago, I was in the same space - I really wasn't even sure if I wanted children at all. Now, I can't even imagine not having my LO - he's amazing. I love parenthood - but I really worry about our ability to handle the stress of two. 

In any case, anyone want to share your experiences of having two in your late 30's? I've been having a really tough time with this one. I really have no idea if we should try for it. My husband is also completely on the fence. I'd also be interested in hearing how it impacted your first child (good or bad). 

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Re: 38 and considering having another...

  • gimmietimmiesgimmietimmies member

    I don't see 38 being a barrier for having your 1st or 2nd, etc. In my irl circle of moms, we run the span of age groups, and age itself hasn't been a factor at all for the number of children they have (more personal preference and finances).

    If fertility is a worry, 38 shouldn't be a problem normally. Yes, women over 35 are more prone to fertility issues, but the number isn't significantly different. If you are concerned, bring it up with your OB/GYN. That's something you can be on top of for sure, and I know the other ladies on here will have exellent advise on fertility past 35.

    As for career with 2+, it depends on your personality (and your dh). Is it possible, yes! Although I am on maternity leave right now, I've been employed full time for the last 15 years. I also work 8-5 with a family friendly company whose policy is to have a healthy work life balance, with minimal overtime. I can usually tell when I need to put in extra, and I usually work through lunch than stay late.

    Had L not had a million health problems, I'd probably be a million miles ahead career wise. Having kids wouldn't have affected that, just his illness alone steered me to a different path. Does it bother me; not really. I enjoy where I work, my kids are fed, clothed, happy (mostly Wink), and they have activities they enjoy. DH works too, and fortunately during the day. We make it work and I imagine one day we'll be less busy!

    Good luck with your decision.

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  • brandenburdettbrandenburdett member

    Hi, 

    This is a great question! I don't have any answers for you, because I'm in the same boat. I'm really leaning more and more to having another child - mostly because our daughter is the only grandchild on my husband's side, and I think it will be important for her to have a sibling (and not get spoiled rotten!). But the time and energy required for a second kid is quite intimidating...

    I look forward to seeing what others have to say... 

    Baby Birthday Ticker TickerBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • PeskyPesky member
    No lie -- it's really tough at first.  But we always knew we wanted to have a sibling for DD.  We have also contemplated a third but since settled on two.  We wanted a closer age gap (they are almost exactly 2 years apart) so they can be playmates for each other as well.  I will say now that they can play more together and the age difference is becoming less of a factor as DS is more mobile, agile and verbal, it's a bit easier than one as I'm not the only playmate in town.  It will add to the sick visits and such as that first year in DC is always a bear but overall, nothing that much more than before.  My career has not suffered and in fact, I'm on target to be promoted next year.  Of course, no secret that my family comes first, but that doesn't affect my work performance for the most part.  It's stressful but all boils down to whether you feel your family is complete or not.  That's the question that settled our debate on the 3rd, for while I was curious about having a 3rd and love our kids enough to want more of them, our family just felt done with 2 kids and more seemed just like more, not filling a missing hole.


    image
    DD -- 5YO
    DS -- 3YO

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  • JJ1973JJ1973 member

    imagePesky:
    No lie -- it's really tough at first. .

    What makes it tough? It sounds like a stupid question, but I'm really curious, given everyone's experiences are different. In your experience, what was tough about it?

     

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  • ateytelbateytelb
    I am answering without being asked. In my case the tough part was (still is) taking care of the exremely active, strong-willed older brother. So far, the baby is much easier than him. I am glad it happened in this order for us. I do work full-time though, and I don't think my career is really affected by having the baby. I also have a quite immature and demanding 21y.o. who is somewhat jealous of the babies, but I don't think it is relevant in your case.
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  • gimmietimmiesgimmietimmies member
    Okay, for challenges, it could be anything from trying to manage a baby (feeding, diapers, laundry) while keeping up with an active toddler, and manage the house all outside of work hours. Other things that I'm coming up with now with the older kids is managing their extra curricular activities and homework, I feel like an octopus. But we've also limited it to what we can reasonably handle. None of them will do anything at an elite level (so more than 3 times/week for more than 1 hour) until they are old enough to get themselves to the pool/gym/dance studio, etc. which we've said is junior high (gr 7). Otherwise trying to juggle work, activities, managing the house, having time by ourselves or as a couple seems way too overwhelming.
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  • NewMrs07NewMrs07 member
    Agewise I would say go for it! I got pregnant with DS at 38 and now I'm thinking of #2 and I'm almost 41. What worries me about another child is having no energy left, I currently work part-time only but my husband works crazy long hours so he's not much help on the home front. I'm usually tired and super-busy, even on my days "off". Personally I see myself only working PT if we have another child. We have no relatives here to babysit so I would go completely insane if I had to work FT and then come home and take care of my very intense toddler and house stuff. But that's just me :)
    Me: 44 DH: 42. DS born healthy at 40 weeks 8/24/09. TTC since then with no luck or ART. Surprise BFP 8/6/14... MMC @ 8 weeks 4 days... Miss you everyday sweet baby angel.
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  • MeesheMeeshe member

    Well I was 35 when our second was born so not really late 30s, but anyway, he is currently 7 months, and I do find it difficult with the second.  I will say that my oldest is great.  She'll be 4 in Sept., she's very sweet and good-natured, she LOVES her little brother, etc.  I work 4 days per week.  I took one day off starting just before I got pregnant.  That was my choice because I wanted more time with her/them.  My husband is partner in a big law firm so demanding schedule although he tries very hard.  Anyway, what I find most difficult is walking in the house with both kids at 6 o'clock, by myself, after being at work all day.  They're both hungry, both want/need/deserve my attention, and it's a scramble until 7:30-8 when they're in bed.  Then I have to feed myself and DH, and get things ready for the next day.  I understand it may get easier when the youngest gets older and can sit by himself more, play with her, etc.  But it's like being shot out of a cannon every night.  Also the cost of the second is a lot. 

     Course I don't regret them in any way.  I just wish I had more time.  So it's a juggle but only you can decide if it's a juggle you want to do.  Heck if I had more money and time, I'd still have a third. 

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  • KerryHSKerryHS
    What makes it hard at first is figuring out the timing of it all.  Giving the baby a bath, getting dinner on the table, not letting the older one watch too much TV - balance, balance, balance.  The only way to figure it out is to dive in and go for it.  I had two children in my early thirties and just went for my third in early my early forties.  Remember what I said about timing - it used to be so important to me for my first two to have bed time routines that included a bath.  Just doesn't work with the third child - he gets his bath in the morning.  I can't give him a bath at night and get dinner on the table, not when he wants to be asleep by 7:00.  It all works out.  Tons of work of course, but so amazing.  Babies are magic -- and so are moms.
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