I didn't wish my dad a happy Father's Day (very long)

identicaltwins2be · June 2011

Well, my dad sucks. Big time. He has never been a dad, not a real one anyway. I don't even call him dad. I call him by his first name. Growing up, it was always one empty promise after another from him. He didn't know when my birthday was or how old I was. He didn't come to my high school graduation. He didn't come to my college graduation. I told him if he was serious about having any kind of relationship with me he had to put in some effort. We went several years without speaking. It was really hard but it was what I had to do to protect myself from more heartache from him. He missed out on so much of my life. When DH and I got engaged I wasn't sure if I should invite him to the wedding. I ended up sending him an invite. It was a major step for me and he actually came. It was great to see him and I was so happy that he was there for a major milestone in my life. I have seen him a couple times since then and we try to stay in touch via FB, email, phone calls, etc.

I emailed him a couple weeks ago and told him I wanted to come to Atlanta (he has lived there for as long as I can remember) to visit and surprise my brother but it would be a couple months before I could come up with the money for a plane ticket. He said fine, just to let him know. I asked if he had any plans to come to Ohio soon and he said no because he has a girlfriend in Houston and he flies back and forth every other weekend to see her.

Fast forward to yesterday. My grandma (my mom's mom) called and said you will never guess who I just saw - your dad! I was really confused because my grandparents didn't say anything about going to Atlanta when I saw them the day before and when I talked to my dad a couple weeks ago he said he wasn't coming to Ohio anytime soon. I asked where and they said the Dayton Airport. They were there picking up my uncle and it turns out my uncle was on the same flight as my father. My father came to town to see his parents and didn't even bother to tell me he was coming. I never would have known if my maternal grandparents didn't run into him. And even after he saw my grandparents he still didn't call/email/text to let me know he was in town.

I am so hurt. I immediately starting crying. What parent is in town less than an hour away from their child and grandchildren and doesn't call. Even a simple, hey, I'm here if you have time for a visit. I felt like that 16 year old kid again being hurt by my own father. So now I am done. I just can't do it anymore. I have always been the bigger person in our relationship (even as a child) but my own well being has to come into play at some point.

It makes me sad that he doesn't care enough to put in the effort to have a relationship with me. It makes me sad that he has only seen Madison 4 times in 10 years and he has only seen the boys once. I hate that I don't have a dad. Not one that gives a sh!t anyway. I am so very blessed that grandpa (my mom's dad) and my uncles have always been there for me. I do have so many wonderful people in my life so I am trying to be thankful for that but it's hard not to mourn the loss of a real relationship with my father. So, today is father's day and I am not wishing him a happy father's day. That would imply that he does something to deserve such happy sentiments.

ETA: I have a good relationship with my dad's parents. They are good people and through all the crap I have maintained a relationship with them. When I was little my dad wouldn't take him court ordered visitation time with me so my grandparents would come and get me. They have always been a big part of my life.

jerseygirl81 · June 2011

I'm so, so sorry that you're dealing with this. I've been there, too, probably could have written almost this entire post. If you ever want to talk about it, drop me an email. You deserve so much better. Keep your head up, he doesn't know what he's missing.

allibaba76 · June 2011

Wow, what a jerky move for him to not even tell you he was in town. I also have always had a strained relationship with my dad for a very long time. A few years ago, after one particularly hurtful letter from him, I said ENOUGH. I cut off ties to him. He tried to reconnect with a xmas card a few years ago and I thought "You know, I am happier NOT having a relationship with him and not dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions from him" and I did not respond. It sucks that my son sees pictures of my dad and has no idea who he is BUT at the same time, I feel I am also protecting my son from being hurt by my dad. All that to say...just because you are related to someone does not mean you are obligated to have a relationship with them. Sometimes, the best move for you (and your kids) is to go your own way. Either way, it is hard and it is sad and I am sorry you're going through this...especially when it sounds like you have done everything "right."

PolarBerry · June 2011

That sounds so awful I'm sorry you've had to go through all that and are missing the dad you deserve! In this case, if I were you, I think I would do exactly as you are doing and be "done" and stop all contact. He's clearly not putting forth any effort, and he's just going to keep hurting you.

Lucky_N_Love · June 2011

Erin I am so sorry that you're having a hard time with this. This whole situation sucks! Good for you trying to be the bigger person though....you need to do whatever is going to be best for you in the long run though.

buckeyethor · June 2011

I am so sorry that he did that. The part that hurt me the worst was how he says he is flying every other weekend to TX to see his gf. I mean, wtf? He can obviously afford to fly here a coupletimes a year to see you and your kids. That is total BS. I personaly would be done with him. He is not worth it if he doesn't realize how important it is to spend time with you and your family.

Traycee1242 · June 2011

I'm so very sorry he has hurt you so deeply. I truly don't understand people that have wonderful children..and blow opportunity to be a good parent. So many would love to be in his shoes and weren't able to. It simply isn't fair.

I hope you can walk away from the relationship with a clear conscience, that you did everything possible. This is his failure, and he is missing out. You deserve so much more. I'm truly sorry. Hugs to you.

Moesten · June 2011

Oh honey, I am so sorry. That hurts. I'm sorry you never got to have the father you deserve but I'm glad you had the dads that stepped in and loved you and nurtured you. You deserve better than you got from your bio-dad. I say happy father's day to your grandpas and uncles.

mrs.dilligaf · June 2011

I'm so sorry. I have a strained relationship with my dads family as well. He died when I was 3, and none of them stayed in touch. I felt guilty for years. Actually, I remember losing all guilt when I found out in my uncles obituary that he came to Cincy almost every weekend and never called.

You can't help who you're born to. You can help who you keep in your life. I'm so sorry you lost the dad lottery, but really it's his loss.

doodlebug914 · June 2011

Seriously, such crap that he did not contact you. It is so ridiculous!! I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I have been going through so much with my mom, Mother's Day was an issue for sure. I got jumped all over because I sent a card, but did not call her (even though she is not talking to me). I just don't understand how people can be so inconsiderate. Huge ((HUGS)) to you sweetie.

warriormomerin · June 2011

My heart aches for you, E. You are one of the kindest, most caring people on this planet and your father is a fool.

Ttimes3 · June 2011

I just want to give you a hug. That is all. Oh, and I'd like to kick your "dad" in the teeth.

KarmaKP · June 2011

Wow. First of all, the man who donated sperm so your mom could give birth is a DB. It sounds like you have many wonderful men in your life who have played the role of "Dad" and I think that is wonderful. You certainly don't deserve to be treated this way and I'm so sorry this has been your reality all these years.

teacherjess · June 2011

You deserve to have a real father in your life. This man who fathered you is clearly not cut out for the job. It sounds like he is hurting you more than he has ever helped you. I would cut your losses at this point because it sounds like a very one-sided relationship. You are fortunate that his parents are caring and supportive. I would focus on keeping that relationship close and if your dad wants to see you/have contact with you, let it be his job. You've done a lot.

johnandkristin · June 2011

I'm very sorry you have to go through this. You don't deserve it, and he's missing out on you and your beautiful family. It's a shame, and he doesn't deserve you.

addslove · June 2011

I agree with the PPs that you just don't deserve to be treated like this. Although I can imagine it must be really difficult to make that final decision to cut off all ties. (Actually, I've been going through something similar with DH and his family and I wish it was easy to just be done with certain people but it isn't.) I think it's great you have supportive family surrounding you. I hope and pray you find some peace with all of this.

curlypie1 · June 2011

This man doesn't deserve the title of father. I'm so sorry you have to continue to be dissapointed in and hurt by him. Wishing you comfort in your rational decision to not allow yourself to be dissapointed any further. Hugs.

Brougham7-15-06 · June 2011

I can sympathize 110%. My Dad lives less than 10 minutes from me, and I have not spoke to him in 2 years. My parents are "married"...but she lives in their house and he bought my grand fathers house years ago and moved into it. He has never been a "family" type person and wasn't involved in a lot of things I did growing up. We have had our bumps over the years, but he just distanced himself and pretty much disowned all of my mom's family, my sister and her family (step daughter) over the past 3 years. My last straw was that he was not coming to Jacob's 1st birthday party because he didn't want to face everyone and be in an akward situation....well you put yourself in that situation....there were other arguments at that time too.

It has been 2 years now....and it was really hurts to see all of the FB posts about great dads etc. My dad has never been great, but this just reinforces it. Over the last 2 years, I have still invited him to everything for the kids...but I know he won't come and he hasn't...but at least I extended the invite. He will give my mom cards with money for the kids and me for christmas/birthdays etc...but that is as far as it goes. Jacob got a card from him at his party saturday, and he asked where "grandpa" is...he has NO IDEA who grandpa is.

I just wanna sit in a corner and cry....but it just isn't worth it.

asphire · June 2011

I too had similar experience to you until about 6 years ago and things finally "clicked" with him (dad). Realizing the importance I guess. Anyway I want you to know I am here for you if you need to talk. I wish I could take your pain away...it hurts in a deep, deep way that I am all too familiar with.

I hope he realizes what an awesome person he is missing out on and shape up.

I am here if you want to talk.

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I didn't wish my dad a happy Father's Day (very long)

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