Dad cutting hair - not BF related but interesting

Littlejen22 · June 2011

I thought this was interesting b/c of responses in the past on this board. On another board I go on there was a DH that cut a boys hair, first haircut (he was under 1 but not sure the age) into a mohawk. It looked cute but there were probably 50 responses and all but 1 said that they would kill their DH. Some of the responses were specific to the fact that it was the first haircut but most were generally that they would kill their DH and some even stated they would be furious if anyone but them cut their sons hair. This was not a blended family board, actually not even a parenting board. I found it interesting b/c the topic of who can cut a kids hair is always heated on here.

CarolinaMommaof2 · June 2011

We fight about SD's hair CONSTANTLY! DH refuses for it to be cut anymore than just a trim. I feel that it's her hair (she's 8) and if she wants to cut it then she should be able to. Especially because she doesn't want to take care of long hair. BM and DH feel like its their call, and relate her wanting to cut her hair and me wanting a tattoo while i lived at home with my parents. (My dad said when I moved out I could do whatever I want... DH says the same thing about SD's hair. He doesn't seem to understand that a tattoo is a permanent thing and hair grows back.)

In regards to your post, I would be upset if I wasn't at least warned about it. I understand that a dad needs to have those moments with their kids (especially sons), that moms usually take over. I'm not one of those moms to want to have a say in everything that happens with my kids. I know someone will get annoyed at this ... but it's just hair. It will grow back and in 25 years when he's getting married, it'll be the funny story you tell in your toast. ("And then his dad took him to get a mohawk without me, and then I blinked and he's running off to get married!")

Littlejen22 · June 2011

CarolinaMommaof2:
We fight about SD's hair CONSTANTLY! DH refuses for it to be cut anymore than just a trim. I feel that it's her hair (she's 8) and if she wants to cut it then she should be able to. Especially because she doesn't want to take care of long hair. BM and DH feel like its their call, and relate her wanting to cut her hair and me wanting a tattoo while i lived at home with my parents. (My dad said when I moved out I could do whatever I want... DH says the same thing about SD's hair. He doesn't seem to understand that a tattoo is a permanent thing and hair grows back.)

In regards to your post, I would be upset if I wasn't at least warned about it. I understand that a dad needs to have those moments with their kids (especially sons), that moms usually take over. I'm not one of those moms to want to have a say in everything that happens with my kids. I know someone will get annoyed at this ... but it's just hair. It will grow back and in 25 years when he's getting married, it'll be the funny story you tell in your toast. ("And then his dad took him to get a mohawk without me, and then I blinked and he's running off to get married!")

For some reason I do still think that a Mom gets more say in hair, especially girls hair. But an 8yo can choose their own haircut, man they are going to have issue with her when she is older if they think they can/need to have such control over her now. If she wanted to dye it that would be one thing but cut it is not a fight worth having. I let DS grow his hair longer during the winter and he is only 4, convinced him to cut it for summer b/c he is so sweaty but it's his hair.

HisChamaoleGirl · June 2011

My SS goes to a private school and they have a dress code that limits what can be done with a style and color of his hair, so during the school year we don't have any issues with the haircut conversation. During summer visitation sometimes SS is sent to us with a fresh hair cut, and sometimes he is sent to us in desperate need of a haircut. Last summer when I took him to the barber he said he wanted a mohawk. I called DH and he said it was ok after doing some math to see if it would have been grown out by the time he had to go back to school. We haven't had any issues with his hair, but I contribute that mostly to his school's outline.

J&A2008 · June 2011

The summer before I met them, DH's BIL cut the boys' hair into mohawks.

His reaction was the same as all the women you mentioned and the boys ended up with a buzz cut. I don't know that it's a mom/dad or male/female issue, but that all parents think they should be consulted before their kid gets a radical hair cut.

Ladybug720 · June 2011

I, Me, Ladybug, and no one else makes decisions about the kids haircuts.

DS has always had his hair in a buzz cut, so that part is easy. DD5, gets some say, but the one time her Bio-Father took her to get her hair cut "like his girlfriend" there was a war. He had about 6 inches taken off. DD2 is just getting trims right now, and that's up to me.

SS7 on the other hand likes his hair in a buzz cut. BM NEVER takes him to get his hair even trimmed. So when we get him DH calls and asks her permission before cutting it. The one exception to this was this past March. We made a day trip up to see him because it had been since our Christmas visitation. At Christmas we shaved his head. By March his hair was so long he could hardly see. We did not ask permission, and took his and got his hair trimmed up, so he did not look like a girl. BM does not make older son get his hair cut at all, and it looks like she doesn't encourage him to wash the mop on top of his head either.

karatechrissy · June 2011

I think it really depends on the situation. In GENERAL, I think mom gets to decide that kind of thing (but really moreso with the girls). In a blended family, if mom has primary custody, I think she should be the one getting hair cuts. If I were in that situation and my daughter came home with a hair cut after an EOW visit with dad, I know for a fact I'd be seeing red. I just think it's mom territory. In a 50/50 situation, with girls, I still think mom needs to handle it. With boys, I think whoever wants to do it should do it. Boys hair grows so quick anyway... I don't see an issue with boys hair cuts at all.

I WILL say that we used to battle with bm over mohawks. We aren't mohawk parents, it's just not our style. It would be annoying when he would come home in a mohawk and we'd have to fix it. She never shaved it like that (DH would flip) but she used to put it up that way just because she knew he hated it.

We now take turns with BM. If we think it's getting long, we'll get it cut. If she notices first (which is like 30% of the time) she will do it. It used to just be DH, but I think BM noticed seh needs to take some initiative. The past 5 or 6 months have been nice not having to do it every time.

In general, in any situation, I think mom has more say on hair (moreso with girls though). BUT in the event mom isn't around or isn't the custodial parent and does EOW I think dad is in charge, regardless of gender. In a non-blended family situation, I think parents need to talk about these things. I wouldn't just take my kids down without at least mentioning it to DH (he however wouldn't care at all). If DH took one of our chidlren for their first hair cut without me, I'd be pissed. Just sayin.

wwnbw · June 2011

We took SS when he was 18 months to get his first hair cut. He is 3 now. BM threw a fit but we saved her hair. She was never going to take him so we just did it. His hair looked awful. We have taken him every time since then becasuse she will let it grow and grow and in my opinion he looks not taken care of with crazy bushy hair. Her boyfriend did take him once and got him a mohawk. I wasn't in love with it but we left it until his hair grew out some and needed a cut so we cut it all off.

SWmama · June 2011

I may be saying this simply because out of all 3 of SS's parents, I'd be the most likely to allow him to cut his hair in a mohawk, but... it's just hair. It grows back.

BM gets SS hair cut 90% of the time. If we get it cut, it's in the same hairstyle that it was before (we call it the "high and tight" look). Hell, I don't even take DD to get her hair cut, my mom does that.

I'm fully of the school of thought that kids should have control over their hair after a certain age. School dress codes are one thing but summer? mohawks, crazy colors, spikes, perms, bring it on!

ballmom · June 2011

First hair cut, I better be included! To me, that is a "first" that both parents need to be a part of.

Now for other cuts, I prefer to be included in those decisions. When it comes to DD9, she is old enough now to decide what she wants with her hair. My mom has been making comments about how cute she would look in a bob, but DD wants it to be long. I had to tell my mom to back off on her comments because DD has stated how she wants her hair.

When DS was 12, he wanted his hair bleached for the summer. He has naturally dark hair so I knew it would look silly when it grew out. But he begged and pleaded, and I finally gave in. I figured it was only hair and he could get it buzzed before school if needed. He did that for a few summers before giving up on it.

walkernewton0704 · June 2011

The only time I really see a problem is the first haircut. BM had SS' first haircut done with no warning or any mention of it to DH. We found out when he came back to us with his hair all crazy looking because he apparently wouldn't sit still. DH figured she probably didn't save any hair for a baby scrapbook or anything, so in a couple weeks we did it again to fix it & saved some for ourselves.

Now that we are past the first haircut, we cut it if it needs to be cut & she does the same. We just keep it trimmed, so it's pretty simple. The older he gets and the longer his hair gets, I don't see the problem with either parent cutting it without permission, I just think that until he's old enough to decide, the parents should agree on a style or type of cut.

Ilumine · June 2011

I believe that WHOMEVER (yes I am yelling) has to deal with the hair the most, or at least who has to deal with the hair before school, gets the say about the hair.

SS lived with us...ON A MILITARY BASE...and we did not blink an eye when his hair, to include his bangs, grew past his chin.

This wasnt even one of those "pick and choose" battle situations. We really and truely believe that he could do whatever he wanted with his hair (other than permanent color), as long as it met the rules of the school.

Every stinking month, we would get a call or email from BM. And every single month we would tell her that it was our decision and that she could try to get his hair cut when he was home with her.

Funny thing is, he came back from summer break with the same length hair, but with just a style. Eh...for her it became the battle...

Banana44 · June 2011

A first haircut is special. For DD - both DH and I took her to the hair dresser - but she sat onmy lap (DH was on camera duty). I would have been really, really upset if DH took DD for ahaircut without me.

As far as SS goes - DH and I almost always handle his haircuts and most grooming issues (cutting nails). 2 summers ago SS asked for a mohawk and we said yes - BM feaked out - forbidding him to have a mohawk. We still let him - but only on our weeks (in the sumemr we go week to week). At the end of our week we buzz cut him.

During the school year we like to keep his hair short and cut nicely - but in the sumemr we think it is fine to go a little wild!

Littlejen22 · June 2011

wwnbw:
We took SS when he was 18 months to get his first hair cut. He is 3 now. BM threw a fit but we saved her hair. She was never going to take him so we just did it. His hair looked awful. We have taken him every time since then becasuse she will let it grow and grow and in my opinion he looks not taken care of with crazy bushy hair. Her boyfriend did take him once and got him a mohawk. I wasn't in love with it but we left it until his hair grew out some and needed a cut so we cut it all off.

From what I just read the BM who has primary custody let her boyfriend take the child to get a haircut and YOU did not like it so you cut it off, wow that sounds like a control issue with you.

And Ilumine (and J&A), I agree that if the BM does not have primary custody then she does not get the same say.

Corbin30 · June 2011

My DS lives with me, and had visitation with his father every other weekend. DS and his dad have since decided not to be in contact anymore (DS is 15, and his dads way of dealing with teenagers borders on abusive).

We had the "Hair Fight" when DS was 12. He likes to wear his hair pretty long. I am not crazy about it, but it's his body. He takes good care of it, keeps it neat, and the only major complaint I have is that he likes to keep it in front of his face so you can't see his eyes. It drives me crazy and I have no idea how he can see where he is going, so I tell him that when he is at home he has to push it aside.

DS's dad and step mom, however, hate his hair, and fought with me about it constantly. One weekend, right before the start of school, I picked up DS and they had shaved his head. Not just buzzed it, but shaved it to the skin. They said it was as punishment for backtalking and not cleaning his plate at supper. Then they spent the rest of the weekend telling him how much the kids at his new school were going to tease him for being bald. THAT crossed a line. The haircut had nothing to do with discipline or rules or family standards; it was all about humiliating a child that they no longer knew how to control.

I think for the most part it's best for both parents to have a say. But in a case like ours, I think it needs to be up to the parent with primary custody.

Kyah · June 2011

I think its pretty cr@ppy to go get a child's hair cut drastically different without discussing it with the other parent, regardless of the child's gender.

J&A2008 · June 2011

Littlejen22:

wwnbw:
We took SS when he was 18 months to get his first hair cut. He is 3 now. BM threw a fit but we saved her hair. She was never going to take him so we just did it. His hair looked awful. We have taken him every time since then becasuse she will let it grow and grow and in my opinion he looks not taken care of with crazy bushy hair. Her boyfriend did take him once and got him a mohawk. I wasn't in love with it but we left it until his hair grew out some and needed a cut so we cut it all off.

From what I just read the BM who has primary custody let her boyfriend take the child to get a haircut and YOU did not like it so you cut it off, wow that sounds like a control issue with you.

And Ilumine (and J&A), I agree that if the BM does not have primary custody then she does not get the same say.

I had trouble figuring out what I had said about BM in my hair cutting response, but I figured out what I should clarify:

NOT a blended family issue. The BIL was not BM's relative, it was DH's sister's husband. DH's sister and his mom watched the boys while DH worked, so were spending quite a bit of time with them at their house. BIL thought it would be funny/cute and the boys liked it. DH was mad.

BM was MIA during this time, go figure, right?

J&A2008 · June 2011

Littlejen22:

wwnbw:
We took SS when he was 18 months to get his first hair cut. He is 3 now. BM threw a fit but we saved her hair. She was never going to take him so we just did it. His hair looked awful. We have taken him every time since then becasuse she will let it grow and grow and in my opinion he looks not taken care of with crazy bushy hair. Her boyfriend did take him once and got him a mohawk. I wasn't in love with it but we left it until his hair grew out some and needed a cut so we cut it all off.

From what I just read the BM who has primary custody let her boyfriend take the child to get a haircut and YOU did not like it so you cut it off, wow that sounds like a control issue with you.

And Ilumine (and J&A), I agree that if the BM does not have primary custody then she does not get the same say.

I had trouble figuring out what I had said about BM in my hair cutting response, but I figured out what I should clarify:

NOT a blended family issue. The BIL was not BM's relative, it was DH's sister's husband. DH's sister and his mom watched the boys while DH worked, so were spending quite a bit of time with them at their house. BIL thought it would be funny/cute and the boys liked it. DH was mad.

wwnbw · June 2011

Littlejen22:

wwnbw:
We took SS when he was 18 months to get his first hair cut. He is 3 now. BM threw a fit but we saved her hair. She was never going to take him so we just did it. His hair looked awful. We have taken him every time since then becasuse she will let it grow and grow and in my opinion he looks not taken care of with crazy bushy hair. Her boyfriend did take him once and got him a mohawk. I wasn't in love with it but we left it until his hair grew out some and needed a cut so we cut it all off.

From what I just read the BM who has primary custody let her boyfriend take the child to get a haircut and YOU did not like it so you cut it off, wow that sounds like a control issue with you.

And Ilumine (and J&A), I agree that if the BM does not have primary custody then she does not get the same say.

I have no control issue. WE didn't like it but we left it. I don't like lots of things in life...that doesn't mean I have control issues. He had the mohawk for a while but when his hair started to grow out and he looked not taken care of we got him a "normal" short boy haircut. If she would have taken him to get another we would have left that for a while to. She took the time to take him so she can have his hair the way she wants. But she has only taken him once on her time.

FutureMrsWittig · June 2011

DH had a fit two years ago because SD came back with hair 5 inches shorter than what she left with. BM didn't tell him she was planning to cut it. MIL told SD that she was never to let her mother take her for another haircut. SD cried her little eyes out, and I was seeing red.

So now, I take SD for haircuts. She'd been asking to get bangs for a year, so I asked both BM and my DH, showed them pictures and we all settled on something together. And SD got her bangs.

IMO it's just hair, and that's one area a kid should probably be allowed (within reasonable limits) to express themselves.

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Dad cutting hair - not BF related but interesting

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