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Northern California Babies
NBR: Dumping a friend with mutual friends
It's been almost a year since I had a falling out with a friend. First I had to explain why she wasn't coming around to the kids. They've moved on and so have I... But now I have mutual friends (that I knew first or otherwise) mentioning this person's name. I don't care to hear about her and I haven't heard from her since the falling out (which was her fault entirely). Is there a nice way to tell people to not bring it up? I played it off cool like just saying, "Oh, that's nice," when they mentioned that they talked to her. And when they ask if I've heard from her, I say, "No, but whatever."
Am I on the right track here? It's been coming up more often than not. It's annoying. I'm not sure if I'm handling this gracefully.
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Re: NBR: Dumping a friend with mutual friends
I am guessing your mutual friends know about your falling out. Does it make you sad or angry to hear about her? Maybe they think you want to hear or are curious since you used to be friends? I suppose you could mention to them individually that although you hope she is well- it is hard to hear about her, since you still have anger or sadness about the situation...???
I had a falling out w/ my BFF about a year ago and it is hard for me to hear about her (makes me sad that our friendship ended), but I also want to know. I loved her for so long and I cannot just shut of the feelings. I guess I just like to hear that she and her family are doing okay. I never ask more questions though, as I try to minimize my thoughts about the whole thing. (Does that make sense?)
I think you are on to something. I think that they are as confused about the situation as I was when it all went down.
She was in and out of destructive relationships and I was constantly there for her as a good friend. A shoulder to cry on, support, etc. Then once she was single and said that she wanted to meet a nice guy, I introduced to one of the nicest single guy friends that I could think of. This guy is beyond nice and after being with so many abusers, I thought it might be good to try something different to break the cycle. Instead of giving it a shot, she says, "Why don't you date him and I'll take your husband," in a non-joking manner. After all I had been there for her, I was totally done. There's more back story to why that situation was as much of a turn off as it was. In the past she had asked if I thought she was coming on to my husband and I said no. I thought it was weird that she kept mentioning it. When she said what she said, that just shoved me over the edge. Like who does that?! I'm not angry or sad. It was more, "I'm done here."
I've never really dumped friends before... which might be another reason that I and my friends don't know how to deal with this either. And since she didn't do something directly to them, there's no reason to stop talking to her. It's just a weird situation that I wish would go away.
Do you friends know that you no longer communicate? It sounds like they don't and if they do, then they're just being mean.
If they don't know, just let them know that you've decided to move on from that friendship, aren't in touch with her anymore, and it would be better for you not to be involved in her life. It's a political way to phrase it and be just vague enough not to place any blame.
And then if they inquire further as to why say that she made some comments that made you very uncomfortable and it's healthier for you not to have further contact.
Photo by Zemya Photography
I would casually mention to them as they bring it up that you prefer not talk about her at all. You don't have to be mean about it, maybe just say what you told us and that you have moved on and have no interest on whats going on with her. I'm sure they would understand.
That is a tough situation to be in. GL!