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Northern California Babies
Smuches4u
member
Dealing with Terminal Illness/Death
Smuches4u
member
To say that the last week has been an emotional battle would be an understatement.
DH's Gma has been on a slow & steady decline since at least March. Alzheimers/Dimentia set in and she stopped eating/drinking. A few weeks ago she fell, broke her hip & was placed in a Nursing Care facility. It's been a long process and we were all prepared. She passed away yesterday.
My Gma, since Jan. has lost a ton of weight and in the last month about 20lbs. Complaints of pain and some falls led her to the ER. They admitted her after a scan because of two masses, one on her lung and one on her liver. Cancer was back and until Tuesday we didn't really know how bad. Dr's believe it began in her liver and spred from there to her lung and on into her bones. Stage 4, terminal. She's also got an anuerysm (sp) in her aorta. Her number could be up at any moment.
Tuesday I rushed out of work to be at her bedside. We were all terrified and certain she was down & out given the Dx. Needless to say I was upset. DC asked me if she was dying... in the moment I wasn't thinking and said yes.
We've been through a death before, but he was much younger. We explained it much the same back then.
Well, now my grandmother is back at home making the most of the time she's got left and the shoe is on DH's foot with his grandmother.
We've already told DC that my Grandmother didn't die, but is still very ill and is resting at home. He was so happy it broke my heart that I flubbed the other day.
Memorial services for DH's grandmother aren't going to be for a while, but DH is greiving now. DC knows something is wrong, but we're afraid to tell DC so soon after the yo-yo thing with my Grandma.
What do we do? I'm at a loss for how to handle this properly and greiving myself.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dealing with Terminal Illness/Death
~~ married 8.11.07
~~ DD1 1.16.11 ~~ DD2 1.3.14 ~~
~~ BFP3 12.22.15 MMC 2.29.16 @ 13 weeks ~~
~~ 2 D&Cs (3.1.16 and 3.10.16) for MMC
~~ BFP4 10.27.16 MMC 1.23.17 @ 16 weeks ~~ D&E 1.26.17 ~~
I'm not sure how to handle it with you DC. I have yet to experience this as a mother, although I'm dreading it.
I have dealt with a lot of terminal cancer, including my mom. It's not easy and it's sad to watch someone you love so much deteriorate in health. I know for me, knowing it was terminal kept me in anticipation of her death. Knowing it was coming to an end, and the cancer and pain that they are in is going to be gone. Keep leaning on your DH, I know mine helped when I lost my mom. I used to cry a lot in the shower when I was alone too.
I just wanted to send you big hugs for all that you and your family are going through, its a sad and tough situation,.
DD2: February 2014
While I don't know you guys personally from all of your posts over the years it seems to me that Mason is a pretty emotionally wise little guy. I think it might be a bit more scary for him seeing that DH is upset and not understanding why, he's going to fill in the blanks in his head.
Death is so, so hard. I know that I try to avoid mention of being sick, tired and simply go with old. Andrew talks a lot about how he's getting older all the time and growing up so even the old thing I feel like has to be a balance so that he doesn't worry that his getting old ='s he's going to die or even that mama and daddy are older so that ='s death. Still it's about the only thing I've got so that's what I go with.
I understand the worry about overloading him but I think in these circumstances that kids are more resilent that we are. I would share that daddy's gramma died and daddy is very sad but you are all very happy that your gramma is feeling better but yes she is dying and that you are going to enjoy every day that she is able to still be living with you.
That turned out to be more of a ramble than helpful I'm afraid. Good luck with all of it.
I have no advice....but big hugs to you!
I wanted to send you lots of hugs & thoughts. I'm so sorry you are going through this and especially with two grandmas at the same time.
The only thing I wanted to add to pp great comments was something my mom told me, was to reassure your child a couple of things 1) they lived a nice long life and did lots of things and 2) your DC will live a nice long life and do lots of things. Obviously be more specific about the lots of things, but emphasizing that it won't happen to him for a long time. She also told me that sometimes kids worry that if the grandparents are passing now, maybe their parents will be gone soon, so whatever you are comfortable explaining helps.
First off :::BiG HuGz:: to you and your family.
I think you will know best what is right for your family and will have to decide that way. Death is terrible, and some people try to avoid talking to their kids about it all together but IMO I think it is healthy to have the discussions
We've dealt with a lot of death in the family lately. I don't know if we dealt with it the right way or not but we opened up the can of worms about death. We told the kids that when people get old and/or sick, people die. Then they go to heaven. Heaven is where you reunite with other people who got old and died. It's like a big party.
We also put up pictures of the recently deceased and deceased relatives that they don't know. We keep their memory alive. We let the kids ask a lot of questions... which I know is a HUGE challenge when you are grieving on top of it. I'll admit that they talk about death a lot. And I don't know if that is healthy but once you have a death in the family, I'm not sure how to deal with it.
I remember my niece.. they had death in their family and everyone kept lying to her about it. I remember one day she asked about my sister's dog and I told her it died. She looked so relieved that someone had told her the truth. That moment stuck in my head and is what influenced me not to dance around the issue.
I'm so sorry for what is going on in your family. If possible, it isn't a bad idea to seek some counseling during this time just to keep both of you in check.... even if you feel fine. Loss and grieving is its own roller coaster.
*Hugs*
Before I forget... speaking of a death yo-yo. On Good Friday night we got a call saying DH's uncle died. All of us were in tears. The next morning we got a call... They were able to revive him. I'm was glad but man... coming back from the dead is not an easy thing to explain to a small child.