My 3-year old and her behavior

adamsbabble · June 2011

I hope I don't sound like I'm coming off as "venting" or complaining about my child- I'm writing this out of concern and hoping to get some constructive criticism on how I'm dealing with her, because nothing is working at the moment. Maybe someone can point something out that I'm missing or offer another perspective.

Anyhow, Ava is about to turn 4 and while she has gone through some typical toddler phases and had her moments, she's always been a pleasant child and we haven't really had any major behavioral problems, which is perhaps why I am clueless as to how to deal with her now. She has turned into this completely unpleasant person and I feel like she is going backwards rather than forward as far as maturity goes.

She whines and moans and groans about everything. She goes into hysterics if she doesn't get her way, which I thought was more typical of 2-3 year olds, not (almost) 4 year olds. Sure, I know that kids of all ages might get upset at not getting their way, but going into complete hysterics?? She looks like a toddler having a temper tantrum when she does this, rather than the school aged child she is. It's not just over major things like not wanting to go to bed or not wanting to do a chore (although it is that stuff too) but things like "I don't want Charlotte to wake up." Obviously, I have to let Charlotte wake up. As it is, I've just been letting Ava have her fits when it comes to things I simply can't give her a choice on, but it's becoming so tiring and only getting worse. We can't have any fun with her, because she literally whines about every little thing all day long... Charlotte waking up, what we're doing, what we're eating, what she's wearing, having to pick up her toys, the wind blowing (no, really), having to go to bed. I try to explain things to her on her level, but she continues to throw her fits and won't hear it. Even long after she stops crying and whining about something, she will go on and on about an issue alllllll day. Today it was "Where are we going?" I tried explaining that we didn't have anywhere to be today, and that it was a "stay at home day" and tried to talk up the fun things we could do at home, but she wouldn't hear it. She whined through everything we did (even fun things) and kept asking where we were going. The last fit of the day was over not wanting to wear her pajamas. She wanted to wear a specific pair that are in the dirty clothes and while kicking and screaming she took her PJ's off (and hit me in the nose with her head, which caused me to scream--not at her--just because she pummeled me). I told her she still wasn't getting the other pajamas and that if she didn't want to wear the ones she was given she could go to bed without them. Five minutes later she was screaming that she was cold and agreed to wear the pajamas I gave her. This was how I intended for it to go (using natural consequences), but I am just soooo tired of having to go through this on every single thing whether it be a big issue or something small, because there is literally an issue every other minute. I'm losing my patience with how uncooperative and whiney she is. I want to believe this is just a phase, but I'm really starting to worry that she may just be a whiney, hard to deal with person. Aside from the whining, not listening and paying attention is our other issue with her. She just completely ignores us. Sometimes it is just that she will not give us her full attention when we're talking, and sometimes she will look right at me and just continue to do what she wants to do. For instance, this weekend we were at Jump Zone and as we were getting ready to go (I was putting Charlotte's shoes on and DH was putting Lila in her carseat) Ava would not sit and wait patiently like I had asked her to several times. I would get on her level, explain it to her, etc. and 5 seconds later she'd be up again, venturing toward the front door (which is what the issue was, not that she was up and moving around) and kept whining and yelling at me "Let's go!"

I just feel like I'm losing control. I try to use love and logic/natural consequences, which helps when it comes to dealing with whatever issue we're having at the moment but 5 minutes later it's just another issue. Nothing is sinking in and making a difference for the long term. It's tiring. Again, this isn't just a "vent" about my child--I'm looking for some real feedback about how to help her. Another thing I think is worth noting is that I don't get this from anyone else. Her teachers at school had nothing but positive things to say about her and her behavior. This seems to be going on only at home, and I just feel like I'm really failing her because I don't know how to handle her or help her.

tiffyr0se · June 2011

I don't think this is 'who she is', as you fear. She is obviously going through something. I would try to give her some extra one on one attention, dates alone with mommy or daddy. My best guess is that, as the oldest, she's feeling jealous of the attention her sisters need and that they affect what she wants to do. A bit of one on one time will remind her that she is still loved and special, and will hopefully tone down the whining. Hope it gets better soon.

Ttimes3 · June 2011

tiffyr0se:
I don't think this is 'who she is', as you fear. She is obviously going through something. I would try to give her some extra one on one attention, dates alone with mommy or daddy. My best guess is that, as the oldest, she's feeling jealous of the attention her sisters need and that they affect what she wants to do. A bit of one on one time will remind her that she is still loved and special, and will hopefully tone down the whining. Hope it gets better soon.

ITA with everything Tiffany said.

Superchicy · June 2011

I agree with pp's too, and just another perspective, my sister used to throw massive tantrums constantly as a child. It turned out she had food allergies and once they figured out what she was allergic to it calmed way down. She didn't show really any other outward symptoms (no hives or anything), just turned into a horribly cranky, mean person. Hopefully though it's just some needed one-on-one time.

Mrs.Cooley2bee · June 2011

tiffyr0se:
I don't think this is 'who she is', as you fear. She is obviously going through something. I would try to give her some extra one on one attention, dates alone with mommy or daddy. My best guess is that, as the oldest, she's feeling jealous of the attention her sisters need and that they affect what she wants to do. A bit of one on one time will remind her that she is still loved and special, and will hopefully tone down the whining. Hope it gets better soon.

I agree with this too. If/when you start doing this I would also start ignoring her bad behaviors, which I know isn't always possible (being in public or if she is putting herself in danger etc.). Even though my Charlotte is about 2 years younger than Ava I have noticed that any attention is "good" attention for her. When she acts out I try to completly ignore the behavior/meltdown. I don't try to talk to her or move her if at all possible. Like I said, sometimes that isn't possible but when it is...it works like a charm. I just try my best to give her zero reaction.

Once she starts getting a bit more one-on-one time with you or DH and stops getting attention when she is acting out it may start to sink in. GL, I hope the phase passes quickly.

tpo1118 · June 2011

agree with PPs. To me it sounds like she is a very smart little girl who is testing boundaries. She knows what she wants and doesn't like not getting her way. Obviously she knows you are busy and is doing what she can to a: get attention (whether it be positive or negative) ((oh and this by no means is saying you don't pay attention to her, I know you are an amazing mom)) and possibly get her way. Not that I've dealt with this, but I feel like you are doing exactly what you should. The natural consequences well help her adjust better in the long run. Keep doing what you are doing, you are a great mom and you can work through this with her.

Brougham7-15-06 · June 2011

I have the same exact issues, and it is not getting any better. I am completely worn....good luck!

CintiCoupons · June 2011

I'm going through the exact same this with DD who will be 4 in January. I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and there are times that she'll act like a baby (literally crawl, suck her thumb, etc.). I choose to ignore her and when she asks for a treat I'll say "well babies can't have that". Then she turns back into a big girl. We're also having a heck of a time with potty training because of the whole "baby issue".

When my DD throws her tantrums because she's not getting it her way, I walk away and let her throw her fit. By doing this I'm not feeding into it. I found out a few months ago if I t tried to calm her down/reassure her she would get worse with the tantrum. However, if she is simply choosing to ignore what I'm telling her she goes to time out. I'm now at the point where she is screaming in time out and not sure to get her out after her 3 minutes or get her out when she calms down and able to listen to the reason why I put her in time out.

I guess as Mothers we've got to find out what works for our child. If you find out, let me know

curlypie1 · June 2011

I may be completely off the mark but could it be she's looking for some attention? With Lila around now, maybe she feeling less involved with your daily activities and whining gets a response? That was my initial thought. Is there any room in your schedule to try and get some one on one time with her and go do something fun together? My days with Nora are so much more pleasant if I can do something with just her. It's impossible to do all the time but I was happy to see when we can do this, it improves her interactions with the rest of the family.

adamsbabble · June 2011

Thanks for your input ladies! I agree it wouldn't hurt to try to get some more one-on-one time in with her (and Charlotte too). I've considered that she might be jealous, and I've always been quick to dismiss it because she loves her sisters so much and is always happy to help with them, etc. but I realize that loving her sisters and needing just as much attention as they do are two seperate things. I think we'll do something one-on-one very soon and more often. It's hard to come by and facilitate, but I know it needs to be a priority and I won't regret it. Again, I hate to sound like I'm complaining about her- I love her so much! Sometimes it just takes getting your thoughts out and organized, so you can figure out what the problem really is. Thanks for reading and responding, it means a lot since this has been weighing on me so much!

sistrkate · June 2011

I am late to this post, but I can definitely relate to it. I also agree that a lot of what is going on is her way of vying for attention, however she can get it. Justin behaves this way quite often, and we found out, really by accident, that most of the time it's just an act for attention.

Tyler has started sleeping in in the mornings, and Justin is just the most pleasant, happy little boy when it's just the two of us having breakfast together, playing together, whatever. DH has taken him out a few times, just the two of them, to go to Home Depot or whatever (man stuff), and one time he took him to see a movie. This past weekend, we went to Kings Island and I left early with Tyler, and Tom said that he and Justin had an absolute blast together after we left -- and here I thought Justin was getting tired because he was really getting on my last nerve.

I've also found that talking to him about his unpleasant behavior -- in times when he's calm and listening -- helps a lot. I explain my expectations, and why we don't like him to whine, yell, etc., and he seems to understand. And I always thank him for behaving nicely, or doing something for his brother, after the fact. His face lights up when I do that and I can tell that the positive reinforcement carries over to other activities.

I know how frustrating it is, and I truly believe it's a phase they will outgrow -- but at the same time, they do deserve that one-on-one attention, and to be praised/thanked when they are behaving extra good.

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