I feel like a horrible mother.

rvandiver0705 · June 2011

I was just trolling the 3rd Trimester and saw a post about pregnancy scrapbooks. I was super busy during my first trimester with Bryce, and in the weeks before he died I started getting everything organized for my pregnancy scrapbook. I planned the entire thing out, complete with holidays while pregnant. (I wanted to make sure to take pictures of everything because I've gotten out of the habit.) (If you want to see a crazy list of page ideas that wasn't even my complete list, check the post out.)

The day that I think he died (the day before he was born), I went to the scrapbook store and bought a few hundred dollars of supplies for his scrapbook. We were scheduled for the anatomy scan for the next week, and I want to do all of the pages of the pregnancy from before the reveal in a gender neutral way.

The next day he died, and one of the first things I did when I got home was to dismantle the scrapbook in progress. I bought a small black one, and folded all of the pages and put them in it, along with any condolence cards and his u/s pictures. Sometimes I just hold the little black album, but I rarely open it.

I can't seem to document my pregnancy with Raquel, and I really regret that inability. I feel like I am failing her because I cannot get excited about her arrival. DH keeps asking me to sing or read to her, but I can't seem to get into the habit. I'm scared that she is sensing this distance, and that she wont love me because of it. I feel like such a failure to both of my children.

leneae10 · June 2011

::unlurking::

I know how you feel. I felt like I had no enthusiasm left for DS3 after losing the twins. I did NOT want to discuss names, pick a room, acknowledge him. I promise you, once she's here, it will be better.

((HUGS)) you are an AWESOME mother!

::back to lurking::

olivia_eve · June 2011

First of all, tons of hugs to you.

I can guarantee you that she will not sense any distance when she meets you. You are her Mama, and she will love and need you regardless of how you acted when you were pregnant with her. I'm not one of those women who cradles her belly and sings to her baby- I never did it with DD, and I don't do it with this baby. But all that stuff melts away when you're holding your baby in your arms. I promise. Stuff like scrapbooks and baby books don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, it's what you do when they're here that really matters.

(And if it makes you feel any better, I don't have any pregnancy scrapbooks or diaries for DD or this baby, and I don't even have a baby book for DD. Too much pressure for me.)

rvandiver0705 · June 2011

leneae10:
::unlurking::
I know how you feel. I felt like I had no enthusiasm left for DS3 after losing the twins. I did NOT want to discuss names, pick a room, acknowledge him. I promise you, once she's here, it will be better.
((HUGS)) you are an AWESOME mother!
::back to lurking::

Oh, my gosh, your little man is SO adorable!!! I can't get over it!

Thank you for saying that. I am so so scared these feelings wont go away.

ginamcp · June 2011

I totally get that. When we got pg the first time we set up an awesome website with weekly photos and weekly how big is your baby updates (that was short lived as I only made it 8 weeks), but for this pregnancy we just never got around to doing that. I fully intended to make weekly journal entries, but soon discovered that all I could write about was how terrified I was about losing the pregnancy, and those feelings weren't what I wanted to share in a journal to my child. I bought the supplies to make a weekly photo scrapbook, but we stopped doing photos like 6 weeks ago. I can't get very excited when people buy me stuff because always in the back of my mind all I can think is I hope that she will get to wear these and that I don't have to hide them away.

I want to be super excited, but just can't bring myself to. I feel bad because my H reads to her every night and talks to my belly and tells her he loves her, and I just can't get there yet. I don't think that I will be really excited until she is here and safe in my arms. I still hold my breath at every appointment fully expecting to not hear a heartbeat.

You are not a failure to either of your children - once she is here you are going to love the heck out of her. She doesn't sense any sort of distance and even if she did, she isn't going to remember anything. I think that part of the struggle of being PgAL is finding the balance between being hopeful and excited and protecting your heart from the pain of past and potential future losses. I think that what you are feeling is totally normal and I think that many of us here know what that's like. I say a prayer every single night where I say thank you for another day of being pregnant and that I hope we get to bring home a healthy baby in September.

rvandiver0705 · June 2011

olivia_eve:
First of all, tons of hugs to you.
I can guarantee you that she will not sense any distance when she meets you. You are her Mama, and she will love and need you regardless of how you acted when you were pregnant with her. I'm not one of those women who cradles her belly and sings to her baby- I never did it with DD, and I don't do it with this baby. But all that stuff melts away when you're holding your baby in your arms. I promise. Stuff like scrapbooks and baby books don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, it's what you do when they're here that really matters.
(And if it makes you feel any better, I don't have any pregnancy scrapbooks or diaries for DD or this baby, and I don't even have a baby book for DD. Too much pressure for me.)

I think what bothers me the most is the change from my personal normal, KWIM? I usually document my life with pictures, either in scrapbooks or facebook albums, and I just can't with her. I'm scared that this is indicative of how I'll treat her when she is here. Like she isn't as important as her brother, or something else horrible.

rvandiver0705 · June 2011

ginamcp:
I totally get that. When we got pg the first time we set up an awesome website with weekly photos and weekly how big is your baby updates (that was short lived as I only made it 8 weeks), but for this pregnancy we just never got around to doing that. I fully intended to make weekly journal entries, but soon discovered that all I could write about was how terrified I was about losing the pregnancy, and those feelings weren't what I wanted to share in a journal to my child. I bought the supplies to make a weekly photo scrapbook, but we stopped doing photos like 6 weeks ago. I can't get very excited when people buy me stuff because always in the back of my mind all I can think is I hope that she will get to wear these and that I don't have to hide them away.
I want to be super excited, but just can't bring myself to. I feel bad because my H reads to her every night and talks to my belly and tells her he loves her, and I just can't get there yet. I don't think that I will be really excited until she is here and safe in my arms. I still hold my breath at every appointment fully expecting to not hear a heartbeat.
You are not a failure to either of your children - once she is here you are going to love the heck out of her. She doesn't sense any sort of distance and even if she did, she isn't going to remember anything. I think that part of the struggle of being PgAL is finding the balance between being hopeful and excited and protecting your heart from the pain of past and potential future losses. I think that what you are feeling is totally normal and I think that many of us here know what that's like. I say a prayer every single night where I say thank you for another day of being pregnant and that I hope we get to bring home a healthy baby in September.

While I wish that no one else ever felt like this, it truly comforts me to know that I'm not alone. Thank you so much for sharing that with me.

ashleyrsotomayor · June 2011

You are NOT a horrible mother! I didn't do a scrapbook for this LO, and I am really behind on my pregnancy journal. My SIL got me a baby book, and I haven't filled in a single part of the pregnancy section. I have been blogging about the pregnancy and may have the blog turned into a book, that's about it. I am truly very very excited for his arrival, the room is ready, and we have been doing a lot to prepare for him coming into our lives...but when it comes to your child it just never seems good enough. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be the perfect moms, but all they really want is our love and attention. My mom never made a scrapbook or anything with me and I am not heartbroken. I am worried about having time for photo albums and all the other things I want to have for him, but I know in the end he is going to love us no matter what.

kathymarie · June 2011

LO will love you more than anything. You are her mother. A GOOD mother.

Here's a lazy idea: look back at your posts from on here (threads that you started) copy & paste them into a blog or file that you can print out nicely, like on blurb.com. I bet it would help her (when she's older) to understand your journey and just how very much you wanted her. You've mentioned multiple times how much you love her. I live 400 miles away I know you love her more than life. She lives inside of you--trust me, she knows. Big Smile

Karen1998 · June 2011

Oh sweetie, you are not a horrible mother. Raquel will know how much you love her. I think it'll be hard for her to miss as you'll totally be the mammarazzi.

I think we're all going through these feelings. I never wrote about my first LO until after s/he was gone, but that's mostly because I spent half of the time I knew I was pregnant in limbo and then knowing that the baby was dead. I, too, am a paper crafter/scrapbooker and I've begun to make a baby book for this LO. It was a tough thing for me to start and something I could only start once I was 24 weeks. I made most of it at a scrapbook retreat and haven't touched it since. I keep meaning to finish it. It covers his first year. There's nothing in there (not even a space for it) about this pregnancy. I keep thinking I should document the pregnancy, or at least put our many u/s pictures somewhere, but I just can't make myself sit down and do it. I'm too scared it'll turn into another miscarriage book like I made last summer for my lost LO. I'm hopeful that I can at least sit down and write a letter to this LO before he arrives about how much I love him and how badly I want him here, but I'm scared I'll never get to meet him.

martinimomma · June 2011

You are a wonderful mother...as evidenced by the fact that you are so worried about not being one. ((Hugs)) Raquel loves you so much already.

MsPegees · June 2011

You are a great mother already for even worrying about this.

Once your LO is here I'm sure everything will change for you. And your LO will have no idea of your fears while she was in utero.

((HUGS))

vflipo · June 2011

((hugs))

FmrAFBrat · June 2011

((HUGS)) You are not a horrible mother- a lot of people don't do that regardless if they have had a loss or not. Don't be so hard on yourself.

haziedaze · June 2011

kathymarie:
LO will love you more than anything. You are her mother. A GOOD mother.
Here's a lazy idea: look back at your posts from on here (threads that you started) copy & paste them into a blog or file that you can print out nicely, like on blurb.com. I bet it would help her (when she's older) to understand your journey and just how very much you wanted her. You've mentioned multiple times how much you love her. I live 400 miles away I know you love her more than life. She lives inside of you--trust me, she knows.

ITA!! Thank you for saying it so perfectly. (HUGE HUGS))

itsmegin · June 2011

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I don't think that your reluctance in any way makes you a bad mother. You're in a weird situation that no one should have to be in, but unfortunately I think we can all relate to how you're feeling. It's just impossible to get as excited when you know what's at stake, what you have to lose if you let yourself be as open to loving this baby as you could before your loss.

rock-elle · June 2011

honey your post almost brought tears to my eyes Crying I think we are all like that in some way, I doubt there is one person here who is not more cautious, more reserved in their enthusiasm, more unwilling to delve headfirst into baby projects with the same vigor as they did the first time..

You are going to be a great mom, you care so much already and you haven't even met her yet!!!! I'd give yourself a break and some credit and I'd wager that things turn around within nanoseconds of her arrival!!

rosenb2b · June 2011

MsPegees:

You are a great mother already for even worrying about this.

Once your LO is here I'm sure everything will change for you. And your LO will have no idea of your fears while she was in utero.

((HUGS))

ITA! {HUGS}

It will all work out. Your daughter is lucky to have you!

bryanandkatrina · June 2011

You are a wonderful mother ((((HUGEHUGS))))

Shaka114 · June 2011

sandyd:
You are a wonderful mother...as evidenced by the fact that you are so worried about not being one. ((Hugs)) Raquel loves you so much already.

This exactly! I have lurked here enough to know how much you love both of your children!!

As for documenting your life through pictures, when Raquel arrives you are going to have so many pictures of her throughout her life that you won't know what to do with all of them! Believe me - I failed big time with pictures/memory book for my DD. I think I have one picture from when I was pregnant with her. On the other hand, I have 8 albums of pics since she arrived and she is only 4 years old.

Be kind to yourself - you are a wonderful mother!

MommyandKate · June 2011

You are protecting yourself emotionally, and I think that's just fine. As long as you're taking care of your body, then you are doing everything that your LO needs and being a perfect mommy. There's plenty of time to scrapbook after LO arrives safely, when you feel ready.

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