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Single Parents
My story (long)
My DH & I have been together for 6 years and married for 4. Overall he is a great guy - motivated, dedicated, and devoted. He is also an amazing father - I can't deny that at all. We moved to my hometown 3 years ago and he started a business. It has been difficult getting and staying on our feet financially and most of our financial support comes from my paycheck. I have often times felt that he puts the business and it's finances before our family's. This is point of contention #1.
The other thing that has come out in our marriage since having our DD 10 months ago are some character traits of his that I am having a harder time dealing with. He tends to be very sensitive (aka difficult to be honest with) and needy. I've tried explaining to him that there are many days by the time I work and take care of our child (regardless of his help), I don't have the energy to give him the attention he requires which he then makes me feel guilty for.
And, if I'm being totally honest - the next piece of this comes in the form of a former boyfriend/one of my best friends. We met 13 years ago and haven't been in contact for 7 outside of a few hi or happy birthday emails. In the past month we have begun emailing again and I've discovered not only do I still have strong feelings for him, but he still has feelings for me too. I find myself dreaming of a life with him. We have both expressed an interest in being together and have gone as far as to talk about what our life would be like. This morning, after a long weekend and a lot of discussions about my marriage with my husband, I spoke to my ex-BF and told him that I need my head to be clear of him while I'm figuring things out with my husband. We are both under the understanding that we will no longer be communicating and it broke my heart.
I know I'm doing the right thing by giving my marriage a chance, but I am having a really hard time dealing with the what-ifs of the situation. A question I've been asking myself recently is, "is that what marriage is supposed to be like?" Do I just have an unrealistic expectation of what marriage is?
Sorry this was SO long, but I would appreciate any feedback, similar stories, or even criticism from you ladies. I have lurked on your board for a few months now and would really respect hearing your opinions.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My story (long)
Get thee to a therapist- stat! Some of what you are describing sounds like symptoms of postpartum depression. And this is not the time to be thinking about old flames. It's a time to be focusing on yourself, your health, and the partnership you have with your husband.
I guarantee that telling your husband about your communication with your ex and the feelings you are experiencing will get his attention. Having a baby makes some men feel they need to work harder to provide for their family, but if this is going to tear your family apart, get help now!
It sounds like you are still in love with your husband but are feeling like you're playing second fiddle. I'm sure your lives have been turned upside down by your new little one in the last year- time to reclaim that. My ex took it all for granted. I had started falling out of love with him two years ago and ran out of patience for him to wise up and take me up on my offer for marriage counseling. Divorcing him- as brutally painful as it has been at times- is definitely the best choice I've made for myself. But I couldn't have come to that conclusion healthfully if I didn't get into therapy first.
Whatever you do, don't keep going down the path you're on with your ex. It never leads to a good place.
Good luck.
I agree w/ the PP.
Also there are some ideas you may have that are unrealistic. 1. Starting his own business and putting it and the business finances above your own. UMM yeah. I come from a long line of Family Retailers. When the business if just starting say the first 5 years all money goes into the business. In order for the business to be profitable and stable the owner does not take more of an income than the business can handle and sometimes that means no income.
This has been one of the crappiest and longest bad economy the nation has seen. Having a start-up now will either be a HUGE success in the long run or it will ruin you. There will be no middle ground. Hopefully, he will be able to see it and cut his losses before you lose personal money or property.
The business is a baby and he cares for it and gives it all his attention and energy just like you give your actual baby. He's looking for you to recharge and you are looking to him to recharge and neither have much left to give each other emotionally. You both may need a weekend alone to recharge together.
2. YOU are having an emotional affair. You can not fix the problems within your marriage by looking outside of it. Stop the infatuation with your former boyfriend and he is not your best friend he is a preditor. He is preying on your weakness and a rough patch in your marriage. He is not a friend to the marriage.
3. You are at a rough patch right now. You may not see the light at the end of it right now but you have to have faith and hope that when you keep working together you will be together at the end of this and in better times and stronger because of it.
The "dreaming of a life" with the other guy - it's a distraction. You're not happy with the way things are right now, it's easier to pretend that everything will be fantastic with this old boyfriend than it is to put your energy and attention towards the marriage.
I agree with the other posters - Counseling, counseling, counseling!! My XH had an affair (decided his friend's XGF was his new soulmate - we had been together for a decade). Over two years later he says he wished he'd done everything differently. The homewrecker turned out not to be the amazing person he thought she was (duh!), he's completely broke, and he only wakes up to his kids two mornings a month. Everything could have been so different - the stressors were temporary but the way he dealt with them will permanently affect the rest of our lives.