SIL is pregnant - am I being selfish?

JackieMac824 · June 2011

I just found out that DH's sister is pregnant - they were not trying it just happened but they are very happy. She will only be 3 week apart from me. She said we should have a joint baby shower and all I could think is no way - I waited 5 year to get pregnant and stay pregnant and I want my time and my baby time to shine - I want my baby shower to be a celebration of how far we have come and what a wonderful miracle our child is. In the long run I think it will be great that we have babies so close together because they can grow up together - but all I keep thinking is now my baby will have to share the spotlight - it will not be all about him/her. I know this sounds so crazy but I just had to vent.

patchen30 · June 2011

I think it's totally understandable for you to not want to have a joint baby shower after all you've gone through.

ashonkwiler09 · June 2011

You're not being selfish at all. I agree with all the things you said. You and your baby deserve to have a special day all about the two of you.

kkdavie15 · June 2011

Totally not selfish! I wouldn't want to either, especially with your situation. Does she know what you guys have been through? If she does I would just explain to her the reason's why or you could just say it would end up being too big with essentially 3 families to invite to it.

I personally don't see why you would have a joint shower... it's not like she would have wanted a joint wedding with you and I don't know how this would be any different!

diego299 · June 2011

Not selfish at all, you and your LO deserve the attention.

Mrs. Mo · June 2011

I agree with everyone else in that a joint shower would be out of the question for me. Also, if it's joint, would her family be expected to buy you a present & vice versa even though you may not really know eachother too well? That just throws more awkwardness into the mix.

SLPMel · June 2011

My SIL is due 5 weeks after my technical due date. I wouldn't mind sharing one shower with her-as long as I got one of my own. By the time these babies come, DH and I will both have work baby showers, we'll have one in Buffalo, one on Long Island, and one here in Baltimore. So, I personally wouldn't mind 1 of the showers being a joint one (the one that MIL would throw for both of us). The same people would be invited to that one for both of us-it would make it easier on MIL (financially), and honestly the guests.

But if it was my one and only baby shower, I would probably mind and ask for seperate ones, but the guest would be different and MIL would be able to share the task with my family as well.

It gets tricky when family members are due so close together....

NiniJ55 · June 2011

It's always fun to be pregnant with another person -- I think it will be a nice experience for the two of you.

On the other hand - feel free to let her know you would rather not do the joint baby shower (I suspect you might even get less/ cheaper gifts - since they have to buy for both at the same time). Anyway - I would not want a joint shower either.

etoyama · June 2011

Almost the very same thing happened to me and I felt the same way! The relatives were all suggesting a joint baby shower and thankfully my mom got it and was like "no way, we're not doing that." I think it's totally ok to have your own shower.

halo_tx · June 2011

I don't think you're being selfish at all. I can totally understand wanting to have your own shower, I would feel the same way.

flycka · June 2011

A shared baby shower for the common side of the family makes sense as far as logistics and it can be fun. But if the other sides of the families and friends are included I don't think it is the right thing to do. Not only awkward but also confusing.

Spotlight or not your baby is a wonderful miracle. I hope you get to celebrate the way you want it. Maybe sharing your desire with your family will help in this situation.

Sunshine05 · June 2011

My SIL is due 4 weeks before me, but it's her 5th baby so there won't be a shower or anything. I am finding that what I thought would be somewhat nice to share things has turned into a battle of comparisons! How little weight I've gained (actually down 2 lbs), she felt the baby move earlier than I did, blah blah blah. I'm a little disappointed at having to share the thunder, but since it's our first more family is excited to see us as new parents with this much-awaited baby than hers and I think she's jealous.

BathingInBitter · June 2011

You are not being selfish at all. I agree with everything you said and you and your baby both deserve a celebration that's all about you two (three - including your DH).

Stuckinthemiddle · June 2011

No, not selfish at all. My SIL is due a week before me with her third, and my baby sister is due a week after me with her 2nd. When I found out about both pregnancies, I must admit it took a few days for me to get used to the idea of "sharing the spotlight." My SIL has actually gone out of her way to make sure that she isn't stealing my thunder, which is very nice of her to do. Neither woman is having a baby shower this time around, so there isn't a question about sharing a shower or anything. I do have to say that I think it is tough for anyone who has had to go down the IF path to not feel a little jealous of those who didn't, even though we are thrilled for them at the same time. Plus, I felt a lot of added pressure (what if I m/c and have to watch their successful pregnancies, on top of everything else we've been through) that I couldn't help but put on myself. Wow - I think I just vented here. Sorry to be a downer, but this was what was floating around in my head a few months back.

I don't blame you one bit for wanting your own shower. You shouldn't feel the least bit bad about it either!

ladychicago · June 2011

IF or not, I think a joint shower cheats both moms-to-be of their moment. and in my eyes kind of makes it less special. Plus, I enjoyed having a shower with all of MY friends and family (and not someone else's friends I didn't know...) If non-mutual friends or family are invited, I think it is also awkward for them. Are they obligated to bring 2 gifts, even though they don't know the other mom? Just veto it based on logistics. :-)

If she insists, I could maybe see how a small joint family shower could be fine, but then you absolutely MUST MUST MUST have your own shower or 2 with friends and/or the other side of the family.

Yellow_Daisy · June 2011

You are not being selfish at all. After all you've been through you deserve to celebrate your LO without feeling like you have to share everything. In the long run it will be great to have a cousin so close in age, but I think for the pregnancy you should push to have your own celebrations.

FWIW, I think joint baby showers are weird because it puts the guests in an awkward position to buy two gifts and what happens when someone is a friend of yours but not SILs and vice versa.

katezta · June 2011

No way on the joint baby shower! You need your time.

If it is a huge issue maybe you can have that side of the family throw a joint shower and then your friends do another???

kthappy76 · June 2011

I've never even heard of a joint baby shower, it seems quite an individual celebration that most people would not want to share with anyone regardless of the circumstances. You are not being selfish.

matt'sbride · June 2011

It's not crazy or selfish of you at all! I would feel exactly the same way. Does she know about what you guys have been through with IF? If so, maybe just explain all of this (or just certain parts) to her and I hope she'll understand. GL!

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