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North Carolina Babies
In town family and boundaries
We are living with MIL for right now, we closed on our old house 3 weeks ago and we close on our new house this week. This experience has brought up an interesting question: What are you going to do about in-town family boundaries?
We are predicting MIL will be a little...overbearing and want to be at our house all.the.time after the kidlet arrives. I told DH that I want 24 hours after delivery of no visitors, MIL included. I want time with my kid and my husband, alone. I want a chance to get up and move around, shower, etc. before I have visitors. He told me he predicts this isn't going to go over well. Side question... do you think that 24 hours is unfair to her?
My mom and my stepmom have already said they don't want to come down until a week or two after, just so we can have some "family" time without visitors. Stepmom told me she doesn't want to come before my mom comes, she remembers when she had my sisters that all she wanted was her mom; no other visitors.
I told DH that her coming over all the time just isn't going to fly; she's 30 minutes away and while it's great that she's here, I don't want her there all the time, especially every weekend, since DH and I only see each other on weekends due to our work schedules. Anyone have any advice?
Baby Charchie born 12/22/2011
This discussion has been closed.
Re: In town family and boundaries
I personally think 24hours is unfair. Maybe a good compromise would be a quick visit fairly soon after the baby is born so she can meet the baby, take pictures, etc, but then a longer visit the following days. Grandparents are SO excited about their grandchildren and it would be almost torturous to make her wait, especially since she's so close. That's just my opinion though.
We definitely had to set some boundaries (in-laws are only 10mins away) and those convos were hard, feelings got hurt unfortunately. But we got past that and everything is great now. I think the earlier you set those boundaries the better (but not too soon - like the last month of your pregnancy), but also be willing to be flexible. I'd definitely remind her of your reasons (like the weekends being the only time you guys are able to spend time together, etc) so she understands where you are coming from and doesn't just think that you don't want her around.
I guess I'm the odd man out here, but I don't think 24 hours is unreasonable. I can understand wanting time to yourself / DH / new LO. It definitely will be hard to make that sell to the family, but I don't think it's bad at all. When Ella was born, I didn't have my friends there until the 2nd day (my family was out of town at the time.). My mom did not come down until 2 weeks after she was born. My DH had 2 weeks off and I wanted to stagger my help. She stayed for a month and then I had a week to ourself and then MIL came to town for a week (that's all I can handle)!.
With Zachary, my parents were both in town, but I didn't wait a day - mainly because I wanted to see Ella and knew for her to get to the hospital, they would have to bring her. I think though with your 1st - it's such an overwhelming - life changing moment - you'll want to savor it as long as possible.
Now - as for the boundries - that definitely was something that evolved over time. Since it's your MIL - I would have your DH handle any issues you have. She'd probably be more receptive to him telling her than you. Personally - since my mom is here - I had to remind her a few times though when she would just "pop" in to call beforehand. It was hard, because she really wanted to help me out - bringing dinner, helping clean, watching the kids while I nap. We've gotten in a good groove though now in the past month- she brings dinner over on Tuesday, picks the kids up from school with me on Thursday, and we do dinner on Saturday or Sunday depending on our schedules. It's nice that we're in that routine now though.
I know it's hard, but try to remember that they're as excited about becoming grandparents as you are about becoming parents, especially if your DC will be the first grandchild. Even with the issues I have with my mother (that perhaps I've mentioned once or twice on here
), I wouldn't have dreamt of not letting them see Holly at the hospital soon after she was born. That's just a very special moment for them, and I didn't feel that they were intruding. Hell, I was mostly doped up on morphine at that moment anyway. hehe. However, some people don't feel that way, and don't want any visitors. So I wouldn't say it's "out of line" to lay down the 24 hr rule, but I'd just try to consider them as well.
That being said, they (my parents and my IL's) hung out at our house/at the hospital for the first couple of days. They also helped us with our dog, which was nice. By the time we came home, they'd all gone home. I did NOT want anyone staying at my house, like overnight, during those first days home. That's when I wanted it to be just about DH, Holly and I. They all respected that, and never expected anything different.
As far as general visits go, with them being so close, that's going to be tougher. She's not going to be able to get enough of the new LO for awhile (if ever, LOL), so some boundaries will eventually need to be drawn. However, I'd just go with the flow at first, versus making a list of "rules," which might offend her. If it seems like she's not respecting your alone time as a family, then your DH should talk to her. At that point, I'd have him explain some general requests--no drop in visits, certain days of the week without visits, etc.. Hopefully she'll be receptive to that, once a bit of the excitement wears off, or at least calms down.
OMG Charch!!! I didn't know you were pregnant!!!! CONGRATS!!
My MIL, FIL, SIL and my dad were at the hospital all day with me. They got there at 8am, Allie was born at 8pm. Sadly, I was put to sleep during the emergency csection, so they even met her before I did. She was a great support though all day and I was glad she was there. Then they visited over the next 2 days at the hospital, but gave us plenty of "family time".
I thought my MIL would be overbearing, visiting all the time, etc... and she hasn't. She has learned I think. You just need to stay strong and set boundaries...