Balancing Families

rachel927 · June 2011

How do you do it? DH and my parents both live about 15 minutes a way. MIL watches A 3 days a week and my mom watches him 1 (she works full time). This weekend all we dealt with was "You don't spend enough time with us" or "They get to do this with A and we don't". DH & I feel like we have always tried to balance everything out. For the last 6 years we've done double holidays for everything so that it doesn't seem like we are picking one side over the other. But thats no longer working because we aren't only trying to plan around each others families but our siblings and their ILs. We want to start putting our family first. So for Father's Day we decided that we were going to spend it just the 3 of us. But of course then people are upset about that. I love having our families so close together and having a good relationship with both sides but times like this make me want to lose my mind! So how do you balance it?

dawnies79 · June 2011

I wish I had some good advice for you. I just wanted to say I'm sory you have to go through this. Dealing with families can be so diffucult. I hope you are able to find a balance that worjs for everyone, but most of all for you and you little family.

ChubbyCheekiesMom · June 2011

It is a hard balance to find, but I do believe you have to do what is right for your family first. It's not a competition as much as your family may make you feel like it is. We've pretty much all together stopped worrying about DH's family, and what they want from us. They don't make an effort so why should we? Our situation is different than yours though, but for a long time we did our best to involve all of our families. Holidays became a complete headache having to travel all of the place to make everyone happy. We will have to stop doing that because I will not be traveling 300 miles over a mountain pass on Christmas with a 3 year old. ((hugs)) I wish I could give you more advice, but the best thing you can do for your family is stick your ground and do what you feel is best!

kristalovesjared · June 2011

That can be hard! We live close to my parents and almost 3 hours away from DH's so I'm sure there is some jealousy, but luckily all of the grandparents are pretty good about it. Before Ella we did both sides of the family on all holidays and since DH's family does live far away, we were pretty much driving for as long as we spent with the family, but without a baby it was a lot easier. Since having Ella we decided one holiday gathering per day around the holidays and it made it a lot easier last year! We will just switch every other year what grandparents we spend the holiday with and will go wherever they are going. For smaller holidays, mothers day, fathers day, etc, we don't make plans. This Sunday it will just be the 3 of us (we'll be in Vancouver) but I'm sure if we were home my parents would come over for part of the day. Ohhh... also for Christmas last year we did a lot of early/late celebrations around the holiday. We had both sets of grandparents and our siblings over the weekend after Christmas for our own family gathering and then I think the week before we spent with my Dad's half of the family, which actually worked better for everyone! We had a full 2 weeks of Christmas parties, which was fun, but a little exhausting!

That was pretty much a ramble, but hope it helps!!!

WatchPot · June 2011

We live no where close to our families but our families do live less than 3 miles from each other so we deal with it on holidays and when we visit.

We started giving each side 1 year and when I hear "you didn't spend this christmas with us" I remind my mother that she had us all year last christmas. We basicly say my mom chooses this year and we go where she wants when she wants when it's her year and then we do the opposite the other year;

This was hard to intiate but it works for us now that we've all adjusted.

I also say make them come to you. It's probably more about them seeing your LO anyway so tell them they can come see you. Give them your schedule and let them decide when they want to come so you are the one having to juggle schedules from both sides.

Mama_v2.0 · June 2011

We do what makes us happy and if my parents or his parents aren't happy that is their problem. It took about 5 years for them all to accept this, and they still complain about things, but DH & I have learned not to listen to the complaints or feed them.

MrsKatie · June 2011

My sympathies. We go through this every year.

Mother's Day is a mess - and who would have thought that this year I'm a mother too? No one. It sucks. So next year will be different, I just don't know how yet.

DH doesn't have a Dad or Grandfather so he is lucky and it is just about him! This is especially exciting since it is his first Father's Day. We are celebrating with my Dad on Saturday.

My family is super flexible and doesn't really worry about the time, but just as long as they get to see us. Before this year we always split everything up so it is equal. It will suck this year because we are pretty much saying "come to us" and people are going to be not so happy. However, you HAVE to do what is best for you. And pleasing everyone is not pleasing you.

preston18 · June 2011

The part of your vows where you promised to forsake all others didn?t just mean sexual and emotional fidelity, it meant you put each other and the family you create first. Start resetting the boundaries now. Talk to your mom, have DH talk to his. You can be respectful and loving to your families of origin without putting stress on your family now.

My parents live in TN and DH?s mom lives about 30 minutes from us and sometimes I think my parents see us more. Mil remarried 2 years ago so she?s more in the boat of balancing families than we are. Our families are small enough so that when my parents visit for the holidays, we spend it all together, with MIL leaving earlier or arriving later. My sister is single and always included in all DH?s side of family events. It?ll be interesting to refigure everything when she gets married and has children of her own.

KNemo · June 2011

We took care of the mess that is our family situation long before having Max. We both have huge families, but luckily, only my immediate family lives in this state. We do every other Thanksgiving with each side. Last year, we were at my parents house so this year we will be at N's parents house.

Christmas is a bigger beast. We do Christmas morning at home. NO EXCEPTIONS. We open presents together, just the three of us, take our time getting ready, and then head out to N's parents house, then to N's extended family Christmas. My family does Christmas a week later, on New Year's Eve/Day. We started this tradition when Max and his cousin were born because getting to everyone's house was a nightmare. N and I only have one set of parents, my SIL has two, so she was struggling to make Christmas work.

We also do a weekly dinner with my family so that everyone gets a chance to see each other. We rotate weeks, one being at our house, then SIL and brother's house, and then parents house. It is a great arrangement and has helped my mom get over the "I live too far away from my grandbabies" blues (she only lives 45 minutes away, but whatever).This arrangement works much better for everyone. It's always on Sunday evenings, so that builds in the Mother's Day and Father's Day holidays. We go see N's parents that morning so that everything is fair.

After all of that, we have a you can come to us whenever you want (as long as you call first) policy. I got really sick of having to schlep all of my Max gear + the boy to them, so they can come to me now!

I hope you work it out soon. It is exhausting.

ttgcole · June 2011

This is a tough one, big hugs. I wish I had advice for you. I think that the most important thing is that you are building a family with DH, and that needs to come first. Hopefully if you set that ground rule they will eventually get it. Also if they want to have more time on holiday's and things, make them come to you.

StellaZ · June 2011

We too have both sets nearby (within 1 hour). We don't split holidays. ALL the big holidays are at my parents house (I have 5 siblings, DH is an only child). His parents are ALWAYS invited and unless ill, they always come (if they did not we would not make a special trip to see them too). My parents enjoy the fanfare and his are low-key, so it works. Plus, it'd be a bit much to ask the IL's to host all my siblings. They do host a small dinner for just us and my parents at least once per year, and we go out to eat all 7 of us at least once as well (plus,, they go to dinner a few times just them - weird I know!).

IF they were out of state (but reachable by car) we would probably alternate holidays like this....One winter holiday with one family, One Spring/Summer Holiday with the other = their pick. The next year vice-versa. The rest we get to ourselves! They'd be welcome to come up anytime though. Plane trips are a whole other mess - and it would depend on who was willing to foot the bill, otherwise they'd be totally on our schedule and limitations. I WILL NOT do travel or holiday drama....

MrsKatie · June 2011

preston18:

The part of your vows where you promised to forsake all others didn?t just mean sexual and emotional fidelity, it meant you put each other and the family you create first. Start resetting the boundaries now. Talk to your mom, have DH talk to his. You can be respectful and loving to your families of origin without putting stress on your family now.

My parents live in TN and DH?s mom lives about 30 minutes from us and sometimes I think my parents see us more. Mil remarried 2 years ago so she?s more in the boat of balancing families than we are. Our families are small enough so that when my parents visit for the holidays, we spend it all together, with MIL leaving earlier or arriving later. My sister is single and always included in all DH?s side of family events. It?ll be interesting to refigure everything when she gets married and has children of her own.

Very well said.

rachel927 · June 2011

Thanks ladies! I really appreciate all the advice and support! I am going to talk with DH and see what we can come up with so that we are putting us first.

ATT&BTT · June 2011

For years we played that games. But once DD came I gave them this year it have us bounced back and forth. But then I put my foot down. My DH & I are deciding on where to go or not to go on what we really want. For example, Christmas is with my parents because they truly do Christmas like we like tree & all. But Father's day just the 3 of us for relaxing (well, 4 of us my SIL lives with us)! I try to be nice but I need to put my little family first. If I am stressed out then my DD gets upset. I don't want her upset so I try to cut the drama. We will see how well this works. ;-) GL!