Marital rough patch after LO?

MontyMrs · June 2011

have any of you dealt with a marital rough patch after your LO(s) arrived? Things are very stressed here and I don't know what to do about it. We've had tons of extra stressor's thrown in at once, triplet newborns my H got into grad school and started 2 days after the babies were born. He works full time and is in a full time program, he's never here and I'm always here. I feel like when he is here he's critiquing what I do with the babies and then he's out the door again.

I know we've always had some communication issues to deal with but with the babies, work, school and the added financial pressure - our little issues now seem like huge issues. How did you work through things?

OrangeSmoke · June 2011

I feel like we are just "coming out of it". It wasn't terrible at first, but when the boys became more mobile and had to be constantly watched (and napping less during the day), we really struggled to find the balance on weekends.

What helped was sitting down and really defined who "owned" what task. For example, DH owns all night time wakings but I own making sure everyone in the house has food (formula & lunches for the boys, dinners for us). This way, if I did a midnight feeding (rare these days) or if he made dinner one night, the other party felt grateful. We deemed each other the "expert" in that task and do NOT critique.

We also started setting aside 10 min during the day to chat and catch up while we are at work. Most of the time it was when we were both wolfing down lunch. DH leaves super early before the boys are awake and I make sure the boys are off to school ok. He calls me and we catch up so that when he picks them up, he knows what to expect.

With your dh being in school ft and working ft, I hardly expect the chore split to be equal. But maybe you can define a set of tasks that he "owns"?

MontyMrs · June 2011

OS- this is really good advice, distribution of tasks has always been another one of our issues, he's never been one to do housework and won't unless I specifically ask him and then he'll do it once and it becomes my job again. I know he's busy but so am I! His free week-end days end up being lay on the couch or nap time (he helps with feeding babies), I get frustrated because there's no down time for me but I think this sounds like a complaint I've heard from other ladies around here.

I'll really try the sit down to see if we can come to some terms on who's doing what.

OrangeSmoke · June 2011

MontyMrs:

OS- this is really good advice, distribution of tasks has always been another one of our issues, he's never been one to do housework and won't unless I specifically ask him and then he'll do it once and it becomes my job again. I know he's busy but so am I! His free week-end days end up being lay on the couch or nap time (he helps with feeding babies), I get frustrated because there's no down time for me but I think this sounds like a complaint I've heard from other ladies around here.

I'll really try the sit down to see if we can come to some terms on who's doing what.

For me, once we defined what was "mine" vs "his" - all the resentment went away. So if he did all of his chores and just wanted to watch Sports Center on the couch, I really couldn't get pissy about it. Sometimes I ask him to help me with "mine", and he's willing because he feels like I'm asking and he's doing me a favor.

Does that make any sense? Can you tell we are two MBAs living in the same house? MIL jokes that our house runs like a well oiled operation. Just like at work we have a defined list of responsibilities, we do at home too. SIL says we are cold and mechanic, but it really works for us (esp with two small infants). Might be too TMI here, but we even schedule sex!

MontyMrs · June 2011

OrangeSmoke:
MontyMrs:

OS- this is really good advice, distribution of tasks has always been another one of our issues, he's never been one to do housework and won't unless I specifically ask him and then he'll do it once and it becomes my job again. I know he's busy but so am I! His free week-end days end up being lay on the couch or nap time (he helps with feeding babies), I get frustrated because there's no down time for me but I think this sounds like a complaint I've heard from other ladies around here.
I'll really try the sit down to see if we can come to some terms on who's doing what.
For me, once we defined what was "mine" vs "his" - all the resentment went away. So if he did all of his chores and just wanted to watch Sports Center on the couch, I really couldn't get pissy about it. Sometimes I ask him to help me with "mine", and he's willing because he feels like I'm asking and he's doing me a favor.
Does that make any sense? Can you tell we are two MBAs living in the same house? MIL jokes that our house runs like a well oiled operation. Just like at work we have a defined list of responsibilities, we do at home too. SIL says we are cold and mechanic, but it really works for us (esp with two small infants). Might be too TMI here, but we even schedule sex!

Seriously, I think he'll be able to appreciate these tactics since he's mister MBA too. Going from lots of down time and time together to this has been a huge adjustment and I think having a real distribution of duties is something he can understand. I think we're going to have to schedule sex too!

Mouseygail · June 2011

Someone posted a similar post last night and a bunch of people responded. Sadly, she ended DDing, being uncomfortable with leaving it up, so you won't be able to read the responses.

First of all, a single baby is rough on a relationship..its a HUGE change...I can't imagine the stressors of having THREE babies and then the whole grad school thing is another thing that is crazy on its own! So huge hugs to you and your DH...you are in a tough boat right now...the good thing is, that it will eventually get easier..the bad news is, that its going to take a while

In the meantime, I think OrangeSmoke's approach makes a lot of sense! Its not fair of him to criticize how you are doing things, just like it wouldn't be fair for you to criticize him if he ever took the babies off your hands for a bit. Its a common theme in new families I think...and a tough one to deal with. Does he know how that upsets you? This leads to my next thought....I've found myself becoming a little more introverted with DH than I used to be...I realize that I am not telling him as much as I used to, whether it be baby related, or some non-baby snippet of news of mundane-ness that we used to love to share with each other. I'm not sure if it started with the exhaustion at the beginning, or that fact that I felt like I didn't have anything non-baby to share for a while, but I just recently realized that it was happening, so I'm making an effort to really share my thoughts with him again. I think that is partially what is at the root of our feeling of disconnect.

Hang in there! I think that there is an extra rough moment when you start to come out of survival mode and rejoin the "real world" and you suddenly realize just how extensively your life has changed...and its scary..and frustrating..and kind of sad. I bet your DH is going through all of those emotions too...maybe just talking non-confrontationally about all of this would help you two feel more connected, understand the other's perspective, and hopefully work on easing some of the tension?

man..I can't seem to stop typing.. last thought...do you have help? Are you able to take some time for yourself? even just going to the store by yourself can feel like a reprieve...stop at starbucks or for an ice cream cone or whatever while you are out and take a few deep breaths... (((HUGS)))

MontyMrs · June 2011

Mouseygail:

This leads to my next thought....I've found myself becoming a little more introverted with DH than I used to be...I realize that I am not telling him as much as I used to, whether it be baby related, or some non-baby snippet of news of mundane-ness that we used to love to share with each other. I'm not sure if it started with the exhaustion at the beginning, or that fact that I felt like I didn't have anything non-baby to share for a while, but I just recently realized that it was happening, so I'm making an effort to really share my thoughts with him again. I think that is partially what is at the root of our feeling of disconnect.
last thought...do you have help? Are you able to take some time for yourself? even just going to the store by yourself can feel like a reprieve...stop at starbucks or for an ice cream cone or whatever while you are out and take a few deep breaths... (((HUGS)))

This rings SO true with me, I feel like I am pulling away from him emotionally and physically too. It feels like a survival mechanism, since as soon as I relax and enjoy our time as a family he's gone again and I'm hurting without him. ( I'm in tears as I type this). He often comments on how I don't call him like I used to, I guess I need to work on this so he knows he's needed and valued here.

I do have some help, nanny 3 days a week (but I'm working while she's here) and my MIL is here a ton, I try not to leave her alone too much because of her arthritis but I will try and take your advice and get out of the house. I think the walls are caving in on me! (just joking....kinda)

Thanks for the advice, I just really needed to let this out and to hear that it's common and we can get through it.

madhatter2003 · June 2011

It's VERY common. VERY.

I will say definitely take time for yourself. That is huge, especially if you are like me and need to 'recharge'. Some women do great giving giving giving, I don't. I need some 'me time' in order to be a better wife and mother.

AlissaCell701 · June 2011

I just wanted to say that DH and I are also just kind of coming out of it also...

MY DH also works a LOT he is gone at crazy time hours ect. and I got super resentful that he got to go to work and interact with people and I was stuck at home with DS. EVEN thought being a SHAM is ALL I have ever wanted to do. I was starting to lose my mind. I was angry at him and he quite frankly didn't want to be home with me cause I was being such a b$*CH. We also hadn't spent ANY time together and when we have that disconnect we just kind of argue and nit pick at each other..

I realized that I needed a break..and just because I was home, being a SHAM is hard work and it's ok for me to have the sitter come over even if its for just 2 hrs. I have been a much happier person since we started doing this...We also have gotten to spend a little time together alone and with DS being a family. That has really helped us..kind of get back on track. I don't have any real advice other then you are not alone and that this too shall pass. And give yourself a break momma!!

Dochas · June 2011

For us there was resentment for what went on in the early months. Once that was resolved we were back to normal. Less time for each other sure, but we're always happy to see each other. Before we talked it out I didn't even look forward to weekends which is really the only time he's here while the baby is up.

I really don't know how on Earth anyone would take on grad school with triplets.

kimberic · June 2011

We're just coming out of it too.

Dh works a ton and is never here. I had so much resentment towards him (and still do) because he would lay around on the couch all day on the weekends. It got to the point where I was excited for Monday to come so he wouldn't be here. I would be so angry with him because he's supposed to be my partner and I was still stuck doing everything alone while he was laid up on the couch napping. Then every once in a while he'd chime in with his opinion on how I was doing something. It would drive me nuts.

We've had several talks and it's slowly getting better. I had to tell him specifically what I needed him to do. We've also been making a point to spend more time together by having a movie night and checking in every evening. I also try to get out of the house by myself, even it it's just for a drive around town with the music up. You have to give yourself time to be 'you' and not 'mommy'.

shipoopiisforme · June 2011

we are still in a bit of a rough patch, and we aren't dealing with nearly as much as you are.

mh started his own business this year so that has been a huge adjustment for us. there are some major work/life balance issues going on. and like you i feel like he is rarely around our kids and when he is there is always commentary on how i do things.

i don't have any amazing advice for you as i don't feel we have successfully taken care of any of our issues yet. one thing that made things a bit better between us is that we make sure we have a date night with just the two of us once a month. we have a lot to work on in terms of communication and both agree going to a therapist would be great, but since he works 12 plus hour days i am not sure when that is going to happen.

GypsyEsq · June 2011

It happens to a lot of people/couples. I think you've gotten great advice here so I have none to add but just know that you are not alone.

LucyPevensie · June 2011

I could not STAND my husband (nor he me) for about a year after the "honeymoon" of having a new baby wore off. I don't know if there is anything more stressful than bringing a baby into a marriage - and you are X 3, of course.

If you guys can manage to scrape any alone time together - I think it will help. Try to keep communicating and being kind (yeah, I know, easier said than done.) Understand that you BOTH are under a tremendous amount of stress, life just get a heckuva lot more SERIOUS after you brought those babies home - because now your lives are no longer your own and running away is not an option - and I bet you are both so tired - which makes everything so much worse.

This too SHALL pass. It will. It is a terribly stressful time but it does NOT stay this way forever. It gets easier - or at least different/less urgent as the babies get older. Be good to yourself and know you are not alone - just about everybody goes through this except really annoying perfect people. And they are few and far between!

perry7285 · June 2011

almost every couple goes through this, i think.

some things that helped us:

-schedule sex (i know it sounds unromantic, but it won't happen if you don't set aside time!)

-schedule brief dates where you're not allowed to talk about anything serious (money, parenting, chores, etc.)

-be really clear about what job is going to be done by what person, as PPs have suggested

-take care of yourself as an individual (and same with him). if each of you is completely emotionally depleted and exhausted, it's almost impossible to get along. taking down time for yourself will help the relationship too.

-recognize that this is totally normal--it doesn't mean that you guys suck at marriage! it is a normal stage to go through after a baby, and it will pass.

good luck sweetie. i know it's so hard! (((hugs)))

EverAfterinMi · June 2011

you have gotten alot of good advice. I am here to tell you... this has been the biggest challenge of my life and still is. I work full time+ and so does my husband. We both have high profile high stress jobs. My dh travels at leat 2-3 nights every other week and I am all over the state on day trips and answering to CEO's and CFO's daily.

Help is key. We have a 50 hour a week nanny, a housekeeper, a lawn service, snow removeval + my mom moved down to be by us to help out too. Even with all of this, I still have 3 boys who don't sleep well and are now in the terrible two's. My dh and I both agree that we have felt more challenged by them in the last 6 months than when they were newborns. They still don't sleep well and now they argue, push, fight, scream, throw things.. you name it. Add that to speech therapy, occupational therapy, dr. appts.. and I live in chaos. Utter chaos.

My husband and I were totally at each others throats several times through the last 2.5 years. There are been two stints of time where I actually thought we were headed for separation. My once perfect marriage has been pummeled by this experience.

Of course.. that sounds like I regret my boys.. which I do NOT. What I know now is that this takes work and a complete partnership. You and your husband have to work together to make it work. It is getting easier as the boys communication skills are getting better and I truly believe the best is yet to come.. every day. Hang in there!

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