- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
November 2011 Moms
Am I overreacting? SIL sharing our news...long but really need opinions!
So here's a little background. I told a couple close relatives and friends early on about this pregnancy and just recently we decided to tell the rest of our relatives by sending an email with a link to our new blog that I spent a lot of time designing and writing. Because of our complicated circumstances getting pregnant I just wanted to answer everyone's ?s in one place from the get go and not have to tell our story a million times. Everyone on the email could clearly see who else it was sent to and we didn't send it to MIL bc we aren't on speaking terms with her do to some disgusting, unforgivable things she has said to us. SIL just started talking to her after they didn't speak for 14 mos. also bc of MIL's horrible mouth. Whenever my DH or SIL are not speaking to her we agree to keep the other sibling out of the conversations so that none of us have to hear her *** talking.
The day after sending our email news of the pg I sent another email to remind SIL to please keep our privacy and not mention this to her mom. She didn't address this in her reply so I mentioned it again in my next response. Then I got a call saying "so I just have to tell you I am so excited it's almost like I'm the one who's pregnant and I feel so much love and happiness for you that I called my dad right away (MIL and FIL are divorced) and told my mom when she called me because I was just so excited." (Mind you this is our LO #4 and she has been trying for 1 1/2 yrs to conceive) We had a long talk but I still felt unsettled about the situation so I wrote an email reinforcing the fact that I thought it was wrong for her to share our news with someone who we are on bad terms with and we would never do that to her. On top of that, I wanted to know why she thought it was her place to share our pregnancy news with the grandparents of our child. Why would she take that moment away from us when we obviously put a lot of thought into our way of sharing the news. I also said I just don't see how, under these circumstances, her actions could have been out of love and happiness.
Her response was that she has always been loyal and the email I sent was hurtful and insulting.
I replied that her actions were hurtful and by her not acknowledging my feelings and making this about her it is making me feel like she's not the person I thought she was. She hasn't responded....so am I wrong? Should she have shared our news? Am I being the one who is hurtful and insulting by calling her out on it. I mean this is an educated woman who runs a successful business and is well schooled in proper etiquette. Normally she is very classy and respectful but to me this seems like a distasteful dig!
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I overreacting? SIL sharing our news...long but really need opinions!
I don't think you're wrong in feeling hurt... I really don't. If your MIL has been a source of conflict for you and your family, it's natural to feel very protective over your family and the events that occur in it.
However, I think that though it still bothered you after you talking to your SIL, that it she likely felt like you were admonishing her further in email. It's very hard to impart tone and inflection in email. Perhaps part of her being hurt comes from feeling guilty about spilling the beans.
Chances are, she meant no real harm and was just really excited and lost her head in the moment. If she's also trying to conceive and having issues, then I can easily see how she feels a part of yours and didn't stop to consider that it could affect the relationship between you.
Try not to be to angry, mama. HUGS!
Well, to be honest, I do think you're overreacting a little. Is it cool that she announced your pregnancy to someone you asked her not to tell? No, it's not cool. You asked her not to and she should have respected that. However, if you've sent out an announcement to the whole family and put it up on a blog I think it's a little unrealistic to think that your MIL won't find out, so in the end I'm not sure it's worth being angry at a SIL that you usually get along well with. Also, you said that you told all the rest of your relatives in the email, but you didn't tell your FIL? I'm confused about that. Yes, she should have let you be the ones to tell your FIL, but if you're going to tell the whole family then you probably should have told him at the same time. In the end, sure, she shouldn't have done what she did but I don't think it's worth getting really upset over. Well, let me adjust that- I can understand getting upset (I've been crying constantly lately over things I can't control!), but try not to let it come between you and your SIL. Hope you feel better soon!
FIL was included in the email but she said she called him before he had the chance to look at it, she could have said did you see J and M's email but she just blurted out the news then told him to look a the email. And DH's family is quite small so the only relatives of his on the email was his only sis and his dad. His dad does not speak to his mom, so the only possible way she could find out is from SIL. And SIL knew all the horrible things MIL has said, she knew better than to tell her mom especially since she heard 1st hand the horrible things MIL said.
SIL actually heard a drunken voicemail to me from MIL when DH and I were having some issues back in Dec... and she basically called herself an estranged grandma and said she wanted nothing to do with our kids and her boyfriend saw me at the OBs while he was waiting for her so I must be knockup and I quote "Fu**ing a doctor" (bc I recently had gotten my first RN job). Not that is matters but I was there for pelvic pain related to a cyst. Anyway the point is, if a so called grandmother can say these things about her own family, especially children, why would anyone think she should be privy to any information good or bad about our lives?
Thanks Shannie, I honestly just can't see her losing her head in the moment. The history with her mom is a long one and our latest issues with her are pretty recent. MIL issues are almost always part of every convo we have so it's not something that can just slip your mind...I did tell her that we can begin to mend this when she acknowledges my feelings and addresses the issues of why she thought it was okay to tell her mom under our current circumstances and why she thought it was her place to share our news. The whole point of me bringing it up was because I knew that without an explanation I would just get more angry and frustrated so I needed to get it out and let her know so we can move forward from it.
And I am such an emotional sensitive prego right now too, I cried when the last of the giants got his world series ring this week because I was sad for him being on another team... I actually cried when everyone got their rings and I only just started getting into bball when hubby said he wished I would be more into sports. Luckily he got me into it and then we got into the playoffs and went all the way...it was easy to get into
The only grandparent she didn't tell was her MIL, whom which she and her DH are not on speaking terms with. She says she did email her FIL as well, but SIL blurted the news before he could read the email.
To OP--I see nothing wrong with how you feel. If my husband and I weren't on speaking terms with my MIL, then so be it--it's our news to share, or not share. It drives me batty when people feel they have the right to share other peoples news with them--good or bad--unless, of course, the person tells them its okay to spread the news. I don't think I'd push the issue further with SIL, though. If it still bothers you, talk to your DH about it and have him talk to his sister and have HIM remind her to not share any further news with your MIL.
This is exactly why I had a hard time telling my sister! She has always stepped in front of me all through life. I didn't want her to share my news with anyone! Thankfully she kept her mouth shut!
I think your sil was just excited. But she should have left it up to you to tell the grandparents!
I can understand being upset with her because you asked her not to tell. However...
She didn't really take a moment away from you. Would you have told your MIL eventually? Probably. But she also probably would have found out before than anyway from someone else (Family member, friend, from SIL in coversation when she's talking about going to visit the new baby, etc). As for FIL, you sent him an email...you didn't call him. If she saw he was on that email, she probably assumed he knew. I would.
I think you overreacted also.
Your SIL was excited. It didn't appear to be a secret since you sent an email. Sorry, but you didn't make this a secret to be shared only by you the second you hit "SEND".
Maybe she shouldn't have told your MIL, but FFS, she was happy and excited and told her mom. Again, it's not like the pregnancy was a big secret. AND, you didn't tell her NOT to share it until AFTER it was already too late. Seems to me she acknowledged that right away. Your continued harping on her for it seems mean and unnecessary to me.
I think you should aplogize to your SIL and go buy her an ice cream cone.
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I'm just working on the assumption that you and your husband are in agreement about the relationship your family has with his mother. From the (very) little you shared, it does sound like she may be a toxic person to have in your lives, it may sound like she has some issues contributing to that as well. If you need to cut her out of your lives, do so. However, it doesn't sound like you have done that at all. You admit that almost every conversation you have with your SIL involves a discussion of this woman, and you don't want your SIL to talk to her about you because you don't want to hear what your MIL might have to say. That says to me that you listen, with keen interest, to any report that your SIL brings back.
If you want to need to cut her out of your life, then do so. At this point, discussions about her and thoughts about her occupy so much of your time, you may as well talk to her yourself and form some sort of relationship with her. If you don't want to talk to her, you don't have to. You can even change your phone number if she is leaving abusive messages. You need to tell your SIL and whomever else is acting as a go-between right now that you have no interest in discussing this woman nor in hearing anything that she has to say. THAT'S how you keep her out of your life. When you have relatives in common, you vcannot necessarily keep yourself out of her life. You can't control what other people talk to her about. Information about you might be shared. In most cases, you really have no right to place restrictions on what your SIL shares with her own mother. Cut her out of your life or don't but, staying completely invested in what MIL knows, or say, or thinks, is not healthy.
IF you had shared your pregnancy in confidence with SIL and asked her not to tell anyone, I would say she should not have done so. However, you are well into your second trimester, you sent out a MASS emailing to the family and shared the weblog you created. Your pregnancy is no longer a secret. It sounds to me like the only way you would have been okay with how SIL handled this information would have been to print the list of email recipients, made sure ONLY to speak to those people and be sure she said, "did you read the email" before she said anything else. I think this shows a basic misunderstanding of social mores and normal conversational interaction on your part.
If you wanted to be the one to share this news with each individual person, you needed to place a personal phone call to each person. A mass emailing, once out, is OUT. You no longer retain control of that information, nor would anyone recieving a mass email think that you expected to. Again, once information is made public in that way, you can not control whio says what about it and to whom. You can certainkly cut off any reports coming back from MIL but, you cant control what gets to her.
You owe your SIL an appology.
That was sorta kinda what I was trying to say except you said it SO much better!
DMoney will be a kickass big sister
I think that a lot of you being upset about all of this may be coming from some hormones, and I can understand that. But, I don't see what your SIL did as THAT bad. I agree totally with the above portion. I don't see how you can limit what your SIL can talk about with her MIL for the rest of your child's life. It was going to come out at some point.
I have to admit that this is a little silly. Expecting everyone you sent the email to to not say anything to her is CRAZY, and expecting your SIL to not say anything is a bit unrealistic. What was the harm really? She knows you're pregnant. That's it. She doesn't know anything else, nor has she been invited into your lives. One of the many relatives on the original email may have let the news slip. It is completely unrealistic for you to think that if your feud with your MIL continued for many year she would have no clue whatsoever that she had another grandchild. Are you serious? She would be completely shocked to learn in a few years that you have a 3 year old? Um no. Wake up. Someone somehow, somewhere would have told her.
I do understand why you're upset with your SIL, but again, she did no more than any other relative would have done.
I think what you're really upset about is the fact that you put so much out there in your blog and now you're worried you MIL can just go on like anyone else on earth and read it, thereby giving her the access to your life you have denied her all this time. All I can say to that is blogs are public. She's in now. I'd consider taking it down if you don't want her in the know.