I Gave DH an Ultimatum

StrawberryAlarmClock · June 2011

Achase and others who have been telling me to stop putting up with my lazy alcoholic DH, I hope you'll be proud! I finally did it. Long overdue, I know. After dragging him to marital counseling and waiting waiting waiting for him to make an appt with the substance abuse counselor that the marital counselor referred him to, we had a fight last night and I hit my boiling point.

I told DH to make an appointment with the substance abuse counselor before Friday or we have to separate.

I'm suprisingly calm right now. Of course, he has not yet responded. I honestly think I don't care if he makes the appointment or not. If he does, great. I will be on the road to having my fun, loving husband back. If not, I'm selling the house and moving to a better school district and raising DS the way I want him to be raised.

BeachBum1223 · June 2011

Good for you!!

PrincessFiona9 · June 2011

Good! Stick to your guns!

PrettyInPearls23 · June 2011

I'm glad to hear you've put your foot down. Have you thought out the details of the separation? Because odds are your H will not comply with the ultimatium. And even if he does, it'll be for the wrong reasons and it'll fall through eventually. I hate to be harsh, but your H has to want to change on his own terms, not yours, in order for it to be a real change.

I'm glad to hear you're making the right steps and doing what is best for you and your LO.

StrawberryAlarmClock · June 2011

PrettyInPearls23:

I'm glad to hear you've put your foot down. Have you thought out the details of the separation? Because odds are your H will not comply with the ultimatium. And even if he does, it'll be for the wrong reasons and it'll fall through eventually. I hate to be harsh, but your H has to want to change on his own terms, not yours, in order for it to be a real change.

I'm glad to hear you're making the right steps and doing what is best for you and your LO.

No. I have no idea what it entails. My goal is to get him out of the house and out of my life with the option of returning once he's sober. I want him to be able to visit with DS. I have no idea what will happen with bills. I pay mortgage and he pays utilities. I'm going to need to sell the house. I won't be able to pay for all of it without his income. I'm open to any advice on separation. This is a bit daunting.

PrettyInPearls23 · June 2011

StrawberryAlarmClock:
PrettyInPearls23:

I'm glad to hear you've put your foot down. Have you thought out the details of the separation? Because odds are your H will not comply with the ultimatium. And even if he does, it'll be for the wrong reasons and it'll fall through eventually. I hate to be harsh, but your H has to want to change on his own terms, not yours, in order for it to be a real change.

I'm glad to hear you're making the right steps and doing what is best for you and your LO.

No. I have no idea what it entails. My goal is to get him out of the house and out of my life with the option of returning once he's sober. I want him to be able to visit with DS. I have no idea what will happen with bills. I pay mortgage and he pays utilities. I'm going to need to sell the house. I won't be able to pay for all of it without his income. I'm open to any advice on separation. This is a bit daunting.

That's what I was afraid of. It's great to set limits and timelines, but you need to be prepared to actually follow through when that deadline passes, otherwise your H will think you're bluffing.

Do you have the option of moving somewhere cheaper w/ your DS so you can support the two of you on your own income? It may be difficult to get your H to move out if he doesn't have anywhere to go and he doesn't want the separation. Once you two have some kind of plan for the living arrangements, then I would tackle a visitation schedule for your DS. Sit down and make a budget for different scenarios...find out how you'd be financially if you stayed in the house vs. getting someplace cheaper. Figure out where you can cut corners/scale back (i.e. downgrade or cancel cable, check into getting lower insurance rates, etc.)

Do you want to divorce or just separate? What are the laws in your state re: separation vs. divorce? I know in some states you have to be legally separated for a certain amount of time before you can file for divorce.

achase123 · June 2011

PrettyInPearls23:
StrawberryAlarmClock:
PrettyInPearls23:

I'm glad to hear you've put your foot down. Have you thought out the details of the separation? Because odds are your H will not comply with the ultimatium. And even if he does, it'll be for the wrong reasons and it'll fall through eventually. I hate to be harsh, but your H has to want to change on his own terms, not yours, in order for it to be a real change.

I'm glad to hear you're making the right steps and doing what is best for you and your LO.

No. I have no idea what it entails. My goal is to get him out of the house and out of my life with the option of returning once he's sober. I want him to be able to visit with DS. I have no idea what will happen with bills. I pay mortgage and he pays utilities. I'm going to need to sell the house. I won't be able to pay for all of it without his income. I'm open to any advice on separation. This is a bit daunting.

That's what I was afraid of. It's great to set limits and timelines, but you need to be prepared to actually follow through when that deadline passes, otherwise your H will think you're bluffing.

Do you have the option of moving somewhere cheaper w/ your DS so you can support the two of you on your own income? It may be difficult to get your H to move out if he doesn't have anywhere to go and he doesn't want the separation. Once you two have some kind of plan for the living arrangements, then I would tackle a visitation schedule for your DS.

Sit down and make a budget for different scenarios...find out how you'd be financially if you stayed in the house vs. getting someplace cheaper. Figure out where you can cut corners/scale back (i.e. downgrade or cancel cable, check into getting lower insurance rates, etc.)

Do you want to divorce or just separate? What are the laws in your state re: separation vs. divorce? I know in some states you have to be legally separated for a certain amount of time before you can file for divorce.

Coming from someone who lived with an alcoholic father and an enabling mother, I hate to say it, but your behavior reeks of co-dependency. My mother has been dealing with this for 30 plus years. It is horrible to say, but she's as sick as he is.

He has to want to do it for himself. It seems that you've been at the end of your rope for a long time with him. Issuing an ultimatum might make him shape up for a short time, but how long will it last?

Strawberry, you have to think about what YOU want. Do what's best for you and your child. I fear that you are still living your life wishing hoping and praying that he will become sober. this was especially evident when I read the part where you say "you will have the wonderful loving husband back if he can just get sober". Do you want to live on the edge of your seat for the rest of your life?

I *get* it, probably more than anyone because of my father, and my XH. It's so difficult to understand addiction when you, yourself are not an addict. My guess is that he won't change, or even worse, he will, but only for long enough to get you hooked again.

Please consider counseling and al-anon as well as reading the book "Codependent No More".

melissawillr · June 2011

Strawberry- I remember you from the trimester and baby boards. It's nice, yet unfortunate to see a formilar face on this board. I'm proud of you for putting your foot down. I've recently started really asserting myself and setting some firm boundries. I don't know what the future holds, and like you, I hope my husband can get himself healthy and rejoin DS, DS2, and I. For now, we need to do what is best for our kids as well as ourselves. If you want to chat more PM me and we can connect on FB or email or something.

cemacmil · June 2011

PrettyInPearls23:

I'm glad to hear you've put your foot down. Have you thought out the details of the separation? Because odds are your H will not comply with the ultimatium. And even if he does, it'll be for the wrong reasons and it'll fall through eventually. I hate to be harsh, but your H has to want to change on his own terms, not yours, in order for it to be a real change.

I'm glad to hear you're making the right steps and doing what is best for you and your LO.

This. I went through the same thing, soon to be XH was given the ultimatium, went to treatment, came back gung ho for abut a week and by the next week was back to his additctive personality even though he was "sober." He was not in it for him, still emotionally abusive, couldn't see it and I left again the next week for good. Just know what real recovery looks like, the counsler could tell you. Good luck though, either way. The right thing for you and LO will be what happens, hard but trust in that.

cautionwillburneyes · June 2011

Would it be possible to rent out your house until it sold if that is what your plan is? It would be a way to pay the mortgage and be able to pay rent in a place you can afford.

goofyteacher · June 2011

DH and I went through a similar thing. I pushed for two years until my counselor helped me realize that he would be the only one that decided when he would quit drinking.

I spent approximately a month preparing to leave DH, getting some bills in order, talking to my family members who I had left out of the mess I was living with, opening a personal checking account, etc. I felt awful about preparing for this while living with DH but it was necessary to take care of myself for once.

Leaving DH was the best thing I ever did. We were separated for 6 months and it was the best thing we ever did for our marriage. I was lucky, DH did want to make a change but it took me asserting myself for him to see that he had choices to make. I couldn't make them for him, no matter how much I wanted to do to just "fix" it all I had no control over it.

Al-anon was a wonderful source for me as well as private counseling. They've helped me to understand my role and to become independent of DH's addiction.

My thoughts are with you, addiction is not an illness I would wish on anyone. If you have any questions please feel free to PM me.

mrsolsen2000 · June 2011

All I can say is good luck and I hope everything works out. I have given DH numerous ultimatiums and we are finally at the end of our rope.

What I finally realized is I want to be happy period. I want DD to have a happy mom. I don't really believe people can change. Some might disagree. I married a selfish man who has a lot of good qualities. The negative ones are just things I cannot live with anymore. I really hope your DH goes to counselling and does change. Even if my DH did change I am so used to the roles we each play I don't think I could change.

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