Military Families
Need Some Advice from Experienced Wives/Moms
My husband is one of those men who doesn't say more than he needs to, he doesn't express his feeling very often...But I noticed a huge change in him when he found out I was pregnant back in February. He walked around the house singing every baby song he knew....
He took it really hard too when we lost our first pregnancy in 2009, so this pregnancy has been that much sweeter to him...and now we know that we are having a boy, his absolute dream....The only problem is...he's deployed.
I am having a hard time trying to figure out what I should be saying, and what I should just keep unknown. For example, his sister, my sister, and my mom were all in the ultrasound room and got to see our son moving around, and hear his heartbeat...And when I called to tell him it was a boy, he could hear in the background everyone's excitement, everyone talking about how the baby was moving...and his sister just kept pasting pictures on her Facebook, and status updates before he could even get the picture I e-mailed him...Don't get me wrong, his sister is great, but I know it hurt him that she was there to experience these wonderful moments with his child, and he was not...
I am just really looking for examples or advice from someone who has been through this before, someone whose husband sounds like mine...I am really worried about how things will go when the baby is born...When my husband will call to talk, and hear his child that he's never met in the background goo-gooing and crying. How can I better prepare him and myself for that? What can I do to make his family realize that they need to be more reserved with what they say without sounding rude to them?
I saw a therapist about this, asking her to just give me some techniques to use, and she completely misunderstood me, I need advice from someone who's been there before!
I know I am definitely not alone!
He took it really hard too when we lost our first pregnancy in 2009, so this pregnancy has been that much sweeter to him...and now we know that we are having a boy, his absolute dream....The only problem is...he's deployed.
I am having a hard time trying to figure out what I should be saying, and what I should just keep unknown. For example, his sister, my sister, and my mom were all in the ultrasound room and got to see our son moving around, and hear his heartbeat...And when I called to tell him it was a boy, he could hear in the background everyone's excitement, everyone talking about how the baby was moving...and his sister just kept pasting pictures on her Facebook, and status updates before he could even get the picture I e-mailed him...Don't get me wrong, his sister is great, but I know it hurt him that she was there to experience these wonderful moments with his child, and he was not...
I am just really looking for examples or advice from someone who has been through this before, someone whose husband sounds like mine...I am really worried about how things will go when the baby is born...When my husband will call to talk, and hear his child that he's never met in the background goo-gooing and crying. How can I better prepare him and myself for that? What can I do to make his family realize that they need to be more reserved with what they say without sounding rude to them?
I saw a therapist about this, asking her to just give me some techniques to use, and she completely misunderstood me, I need advice from someone who's been there before!
I know I am definitely not alone!
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Re: Need Some Advice from Experienced Wives/Moms
My husband's attitude about others getting to experience things during my pregnancy, was that he was glad I had friends and family who could be there for me during that time since he couldn't, so I can't really help you as far as how to handle him.
As far as his family, I would just come out and say, "Look I know you mean well, but until H gets the news of XYZ, please do not post anything on Facebook, do not call your friends about it, just keep it to yourself. I will let you know when he knows, and then you are welcome to share it with the world if you like. But this is his baby, as well as mine, and it's not fair for him to find everything out on Facebook before he even has a chance to talk to me." And then if they can't keep their traps shut, you don't tell them any other big baby-related news until you've had a chance to share it with him. If that means they don't come to any more appointments or u/s's then that's their loss.
And if he has a chance to Skype, use it as much as possible, especially after the baby is born. If your hospital has internet access, you might even be able to use Skype from the delivery room so he can "be there" for the birth. My hospital didn't have internet, but I borrowed my little brother's Verizon internet card that just plugged into my computer, and BAM instant internet access. (My H made it home for the birth, but I used it to talk to him several times while I was in the hospital during my pregnancy for various reasons.)
I could tell that not being there really bothered my husband and so I set up the rule of thumb that he is the first to know all information. My mother went with me to the majority of my appointments and I told her that any important news was to be shared with dh first and if she didn't respect that than she would get after news like everyone else. Yours/his family is just really excited about it all and you have to understand that. If it means telling them your appointment is a day later so you can make sure your husband hears first than you may have to do that. Even with slip ups every once in a while at the end of the deployment when he held our daughter it was all forgotten. Now the only thing said about it was that he wish I hadn't down played why I was high risk (we are thinking about another one and I had to completely come clean with the risks).
Just remember that at the end of this it won't make a difference one way or another what happens you will have a little boy, your husband will be a proud daddy and the family will be happy. Do what you need to do to get through it without making yourself go crazy. Everything else is second to that. Good luck!
I ditto the advice the other ladies gave you about his family. I will add that you should share everything with him that you can. Let him know all the things that are going on with you and the baby. Send him pics. Send him videos. Pass on funny stories. If you can Skype or video chat in any way (we can only use yahoo video chat), do it often. While you are pregnant, let him see your belly. Let him see when the baby is moving. Make him feel like he is as involved as he can be. When the baby is born, keep up with the video chats. Let him see his son grow and interact with you. Let the baby hear his voice often so bonding will be easier when his daddy comes home. Like I said, make him feel as involved as possible. MH likes for me to just put the computer on the coffee table and watch the kids do their thing. He said it makes him feel like he is home with us for a few minutes. We talk to him as if he were here with us sitting in his chair.
Good luck with everything. I know it isn't easy.
I agree with the above. My husband is very much the same - he wants to be involved, but he also wants to know I'm not alone in things when he's gone. The day I found out I was having triplets I was alone, he was deployed, and I didn't know who to call/what to do. I told his mom, but the rule was no one else was to know until I got confirmation he found out.
We've always had the blanket "rule" in the family that I can tell whoever I want, but I normally keep it to family and ask them not to broadcast it until I know he knows. It's hard to keep secrets sometimes, but at the same time I like knowing that he is a part of it before the rest of the world is. If they cannot accept this, then I would make them aware you might have to stop telling them in the future until after you've talked to your hubby. That might bring them around to your side quickly
I also don't really like other people posting pics of my kid(s) in general, especially on open sites such as FB, etc. I post a few pics every now and then, but I know my profile is locked down as much as possible, I don't like the idea of everyone else posting them too, especially if I haven't even had the chance to share yet
Just remember - this is YOUR family. While his family may feel like they're being excluded, they need to realize that you and your husband are your own family now and that they need to accept your wishes especially when he's gone and you have to make the calls for yourself.