NBR: My friend DECLINED to be a bridesmaid

EJChapman123 · June 2011

I have a good friend who can be kind of a difficult person, and we have had our ups and downs in our friendship but we are close. There is no recent drama between the two of us at all however, so this move really has me shocked.

I am having a pretty big wedding next year, on what is technically mine and DH's one year anniversary. Our wedding got put off due to my being pregnant, and we got legally hitched at the courthouse in March. Both DH and I have asked everyone we want to be in the wedding party, and everyone said yes, of course, they would be honored.

Well I get a FB message from aforementioned friend today saying, due to the fact that she will be 36, and "one year closer to 40" she is not "comfortable being a bridesmaid in my wedding - or anyone's for that matter" but of course, she would still love to be a guest.

First of all, it REALLY hurts to have someone say NO to being in your wedding, especially for some dumba** selfish excuse like that. Even more frustrating, is she won't even be the oldest person in the wedding party! She would in fact be the FOURTH oldest, and there is 6 people 35 or older in the wedding party. Since when does age have anything to do with being a bridesmaid? And who the hell says no to being a bridesmaid?

Im really hurt and pissed off about this. I told her that I was hurt and confused, and that I wanted my closest friends standing next to me that day and that I find it mildly selfish to decline based on something like a discomfort of her age. Not to mention, its not even just ME she knows, she worked for my husband for 5 years and THEY are friends!

Im seriously considerring just cutting the whole thing off with her. Shes vindictive and spiteful, so I don't want it to be ugly, but it is not the first time she has hurt my feelings. I also don't know how I feel about her even coming to the wedding. Am I out of line about letting this bother me?

theaustins05 · June 2011

I think it's a really dumb reason, and I think given your history, her response, and your discription of her, she probably isn't a really good friend to have in the first place. Doesn't seem like you are losing much.

fragglefan · June 2011

I don't understand the age thing, I had 2 girls older than 40 in my wedding,

However, she has every right to say no if she doesn't feel comfortable with it. A wise person once told me "The person who cares the most about your wedding is you." If she doesn't feel comfortable, you're not doing your friendship any favors by getting mad at her or trying to pressure her to do it...

tokenhoser · June 2011

Let it go. She doesn't want to do it, and whether it's really for her stated reason or for another (like, it's expensive to be a bridesmaid, it's a total PITA to be a bridesmaid...) doesn't matter.

Huge weddings are gong shows. Maybe she just realized she'd be better off on the other side of the head table. This is not a big deal. Be glad she quit well in advance.

kerrbear72 · June 2011

Along the lines of what token said, I think there's more to the story.

Ultimately, whatever the reason is, its better she said no than to be up there and going through the process with you when she really wants no part of it.

PinkGirlInCali · June 2011

Her reason is dumb but you should just get over it. Honestly I have a cousin that I wish would have just told me no instead of playing games the days leading up to the wedding only to not answer my calls the day of and then claim she was in a car accident. I think she just never got the alterations on her dress (which she ordered way too small) because she could not afford it. I would have been okay with that.

carishabob · June 2011

I had two of my bridesmaids back out 10 days before my wedding, count your lucky stars she's telling you up front. I chose not to continue my friendship with one of the girls, and I still talk to the other. I would talk to her and if she continues to act funny/in a way that hurts your feelings, be done with the friendship. It's not worth the time IMO. Life is too dang short.

nickelbabi · June 2011

I know it is hurtful to find out someone doesn't want to be a part of your big day, esp. when you would be willing to do it for her. However, I think you just saved yourself a lot of drama because you don't want to deal with a reluctant, resentful bridesmaid. I think a lot of people say yes and back out after they have time to think about it, but the excuse she gave you is incredibly lame. I could understand if it was for financial reasons. If she was a good enough friend to ask, only you can decide if you should continue to be friends with her. Has she been a bad or selfish friend in the past or could she continue to be a great friend in the future, despite this issue?

Christine&Chris · June 2011

There are lots of reasons for saying no to being in a wedding party - she may have given a lame excuse, but it may have been the easiest one for her to voice. Being a BM can be a big commitment some people aren't comfortable making... especially for someone who could dump you altogether as a friend.

AnneShirleyBlythe · June 2011

I don't see the problem here. Lots of people would refuse to be in the wedding simply based on the fact that you are already married. (Go look at some wedding forums if you haven't heard this one before). Some don't think they should be a bridesmaid over a certain age (esp. if they aren't married themselves). Some think weddings are lame. Some don't think BRIDES over a certain age should have wedding parties (I don't know your age so obviously that isn't a concern). None of these are good reasons to me, but that doesn't mean they aren't good reasons to someone. I would move on.

ETA: Another reason, and this is one reason I would decline to be a BM. Finances. Is there a chance she just doesn't have the money for the dress, the shoes, the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, the hair/nails/makeup? Just a thought.

pinkflipflops44 · June 2011

I'd just get over it. Being in a wedding sucks.

sparkymcgeee · June 2011

I have to agree with the others. Its her right to turn you down. It sucks for you and it hurts but there are lots of reasons someone would rather not be in a wedding. Don't be too hard on her. At least she told you now. She didn't back out and she didn't go along and end up resenting you. This was actually the kind thing to do if she really didn't want to be in the wedding.

lilcoco13 · June 2011

I have never heard of anyone using age as an excuse, but I have heard of people saying no for other reasons. I agree with PP. At least she told you now and not a week before your wedding. Planning a wedding is stressful and if your friendship is already rocky at times, I am not sure if she would be helpful. It would probably just cause you more stress/drama which you don't want.

kacelle · June 2011

tokenhoser:
Let it go. She doesn't want to do it, and whether it's really for her stated reason or for another (like, it's expensive to be a bridesmaid, it's a total PITA to be a bridesmaid...) doesn't matter.
Huge weddings are gong shows. Maybe she just realized she'd be better off on the other side of the head table. This is not a big deal. Be glad she quit well in advance.

This! But I understand how hurtful that could be; I had FOUR girls decline to be in our wedding last year.

Temp38995750004016 · June 2011

I'm only 30 and I wouldn't want to be in a wedding. I did my share of that in my 20s and I'm pretty over it now. I can see why she'd decline due to age, especially if she's been in quite a few weddings over the years.

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