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Filing for custody and then having it backfire?

BeachBum1223BeachBum1223
in Single Parents

I know its smart to file for custody and it needs to be done, but why do you do it knowing it could backfire? 

For instance, STBXH is fine with not seeing LO and then I file for custody which makes him angry and thus fight back for joint custody just to be an ass.  Why do these d-bags have to do this!??

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Re: Filing for custody and then having it backfire?

  • PrettyInPearls23PrettyInPearls23 member
    Because they don't like "losing" or being told what to do. He'll calm down after a while ...it's what they all seem to do. Mine was hell-bent on having 50/50 custody for a long time, but he finally realized that it wasn't in our DS's best interest. Now he sees DS during his parenting time and tries to make the most of it.

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  • BeachBum1223BeachBum1223
    So, I just have to hope after a while he gives it up and goes back to ignoring LO?  I cant stand the fact that he will have LO without supervision to go and smoke pot and drink beer with his buddies!  How will I ever survive while she is with him?!
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  • sweetie0228sweetie0228 member

    I'll tell you what I did, and it goes against all advice that I normally give, but in some situations it's just easier...

    My Ex is an abusive azz.  physical and mental, I lived in fear for the 5 years of our marriage.  I was legally married.  I never filed for custody when I left.  I filed for divorce, I filed for CS but I never intiated the custody.  Technically, in the divorce papers I think it says he has every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer...i dont really know I never read them.  I just know that's what he "demanded to have" and my lawyer laughed and said that was the bare minimum they automatically give.

    Anyway, I went with it.  First summer and he didn't take the kids anymore than the EOWknd, then after a while... my DD wanted to stop seeing him and he said fine..it went to everyother sunday 1p-4p for my DS...then I just moved.  He didn't notice for a month that we didn't make arrangements to pu/do the kids.  I got one angry phone call and then I haven't heard anything from him or his family for 2 years. 

    He basically faded out and I closed the door. 

    If you know truly, that he will fade out once it's not fun anymore...it's not that bad.  You have to be sweet sweet sweet in the beginning.  And realize, that he can't know it kills you and you cry all weekend that the children are with him and not you.  Because then he'll think he has a power and a control to you and he will use the children for that.

    My offical advice get a CO, explain that you just want to legally set up residency for the children and that you want the times clearly explained so you can't be a total BSC B!tch to him and keep the children from him.  You tell him it's for his protection b/c you know now that you are a total b!tch and especially when it comes to "that time of the month" you don't want the children to miss him b/c you want to make him suffer.  (you can then later throw up b/c of all the bullship you need to spew to make it all about him)

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  • BeachBum1223BeachBum1223
    imagesweetie0228:

    If you know truly, that he will fade out once it's not fun anymore...it's not that bad.  You have to be sweet sweet sweet in the beginning.  And realize, that he can't know it kills you and you cry all weekend that the children are with him and not you.  Because then he'll think he has a power and a control to you and he will use the children for that.

    Great advice sweetie!

    I'm not truly sure he will fade out, so if he doesn't I've got a lot to deal with for the next years.  I guess I just have to stay strong and not let him know he's "got me" with taking the kids, if I act like its no big deal, that's probably a good thing.  I hate how he always seems to fvck with my mind... I'm getting better at dealing with it but I was in the abusive relationship for so long it's hard.

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  • PrettyInPearls23PrettyInPearls23 member

    imageBeachBum1223:
    So, I just have to hope after a while he gives it up and goes back to ignoring LO?  I cant stand the fact that he will have LO without supervision to go and smoke pot and drink beer with his buddies!  How will I ever survive while she is with him?!

    No, stick to your guns about wanting full custody. Eventually he'll give up because it's too much work to fight for it. You need to protect your LO's best interests, and getting a CO for custody is what will do that. Don't avoid it because you're afriad of the "what if's"

    And even if he was to get some kind of custody/visitation, he could still go back to ignoring your LO like he is now.

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  • PrettyInPearls23PrettyInPearls23 member
    Also, you need to file for custody because as of right now, since you're still married, there's nothing stopping him from taking your LO and not having it being consider kidnapping.

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  • cmanmomcmanmom

    This is what happened with me.  And now I'm IN the fire.  My exH fought for liberal visitation when we first split, long story short - his true colors showed and he ended up with no lawyer and e/o sat. 10-4. 

    Fast forward, he completely fades out and doesn't show for 15 months.  I talk to him, and begin the court process to make a new PP, with phone visitation only since he no longer lives in the same state and he says okay.  22 hours before the judge signs the papers his mommy gets him a lawyer and stops the process.  Ugh.

    Just last week I got his (read:his mom's) proposed PP and it's ridiculous.  5 overnights every 4 months out the gate (reminder - he hasn't even seen DS in 15 months, and hasn't had ONE overnight since we were married (2007)), every other holiday, every spring and winter break and 2 weeks every summer adding a week until the summer is equally split.

    So trust me.  I understand.  My only hope is that his true colors shine again and he goes back to his old ways.  Until then, it's a great weight loss plan :/

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  • BeachBum1223BeachBum1223
    imagecmanmom:

    This is what happened with me.  And now I'm IN the fire.  My exH fought for liberal visitation when we first split, long story short - his true colors showed and he ended up with no lawyer and e/o sat. 10-4. 

    Fast forward, he completely fades out and doesn't show for 15 months.  I talk to him, and begin the court process to make a new PP, with phone visitation only since he no longer lives in the same state and he says okay.  22 hours before the judge signs the papers his mommy gets him a lawyer and stops the process.  Ugh.

    Just last week I got his (read:his mom's) proposed PP and it's ridiculous.  5 overnights every 4 months out the gate (reminder - he hasn't even seen DS in 15 months, and hasn't had ONE overnight since we were married (2007)), every other holiday, every spring and winter break and 2 weeks every summer adding a week until the summer is equally split.

    So trust me.  I understand.  My only hope is that his true colors shine again and he goes back to his old ways.  Until then, it's a great weight loss plan :/

    Oh wow... yeah, my biggest fear.  I hope he fades soon for you, I can understand your agony.  Why would his mother be like that?!!?

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