Who works (outside the home) b/c they have to?

SeaSoul · June 2011

In the "full-time mom" post last week it sounded like many of us work outside the home because we enjoy it. There was also reference made to some having "nicer things" than they would otherwise have, thanks to the 2nd income. I don't fit in either category.

I work because I have to. No choice in the matter. We could not afford our mortgage without my salary. We pretty much squeak by as it is. I wanted desperately to stay home with Cal, but it was not possible. Now that I've been back at work for a while I appreciate it in some respects and I wonder if staying at home would have been hard for me...but then again, I think it's hard for everyone who does it. The main reason I wanted to do it was for Cal's sake, not mine. Of course it's going to be hard! And as for nice things...we don't have nice things. We never buy anything and are stuck in a <1000 sf home with 2 BRs/1BA, due to the sh*tty housing market.

If I had a meaningful career that I loved, it would be different. I like my job just fine, but it holds no meaning in my life. I wish I could either stay home with my kids, or have a job that meant something to me (ideally, both). Neither is the case.

Instead I'm sitting here just trying to make ends meet at my desk job while my kid is with a babysitter.

I don't know what my point is...just wondering if anyone else feels this way.

schmoodle · June 2011

I generally think you are more the norm than the exception (at least based on what I see on these boards and among my friends). Most of my friends who work do so out of financial necessity and would prefer to SAHM, I always feel like the exception and like I'm a freak when they complain about not being able to stay at home full time because I can't agree with them. I guess it just always seems like we're in the minority because so many internalize and feel guilt for whatever their choices (or lack thereof) are?

mrsolsenk12 · June 2011

I do. Now granted i am different then most. I work p/t about 30 hours a week. However i work only nights/weekends. While i am home with Hayden during the day, i am gone nights and i work pretty much every Sat. and Sun. too. Because of this our family time is very limited. We basically get 1 weeknight and a few hours on Sat. and Sun. together as a family. It is hard and i don't like it. I hope that in a year we will have enough paid off thst i can quit but we will see.

Mrs.Babbsy · June 2011

ME =(

I would love to stay home, I don't hate my job, but it's not the first thing I would choose to do.

preheatedoven · June 2011

I am right there with you. And to complicate things, my DH gets to stay home b/c he lost his job. We are having some marriage issues b/c of the resentment I feel that he gets to have the experience I desperately want.

I have a friend who stays home and makes comments all the time about how if I really wanted it, I could make it happen. It leaves me very angry and feeling judged b/c honestly, there is nothing I can do to change our current situation:(

SeaSoul · June 2011

schmoodle:
I generally think you are more the norm than the exception (at least based on what I see on these boards and among my friends). Most of my friends who work do so out of financial necessity and would prefer to SAHM, I always feel like the exception and like I'm a freak when they complain about not being able to stay at home full time because I can't agree with them. I guess it just always seems like we're in the minority because so many internalize and feel guilt for whatever their choices (or lack thereof) are?

Good point...I think you're right.

ALY1981 · June 2011

preheatedoven:
I am right there with you. And to complicate things, my DH gets to stay home b/c he lost his job. We are having some marriage issues b/c of the resentment I feel that he gets to have the experience I desperately want.
I have a friend who stays home and makes comments all the time about how if I really wanted it, I could make it happen. It leaves me very angry and feeling judged b/c honestly, there is nothing I can do to change our current situation:(

I have a friend who also makes comments like that. It really irritates me. Her husband desperately wants/needs her to find a job (she has a teaching degree) but she refuses to even look.

GypsyEsq · June 2011

I work outside the home because I have to. DH is a SAHD, but not because he could have a job that would support us and chooses to stay home. He's an artist and has never really made enough to support us. Could he get a job? Sure. He could. But it doesn't make sense for us so I work. But I can't choose to stay home and have him go to work -- and for us to keep our house.

firsttogo · June 2011

I am home during the day, and work in the evenings/weekend. I LOVE the job, but resent being away from my kids. I am doing what needs to be done to make ends meet (barely) but I would not choose to work out of the home if I can help it.

kristinem17 · June 2011

Me. I work outside of the home, FT, because I have to. No way we could afford to pay our monthly bills and have somewhat of a social life on just DH's salary. The job I had pre-DS was my dream job, but I gave it up in order to start our family, which was by choice of course. Post DS, I work a boring job that puts me to sleep somedays, but it provides our family with much needed funds and our insurance benefits. But even if I didn't have a choice in the matter, I would still work, atleast part time, because there is no way I could be a stay at home Mom. It's not in my blood.

naflmj · June 2011

I work because I have to. We could make it work if I went part time but I wouldn't be able to do fun things with DS while I was home (museums, etc). I do like my job and I have worked hard to get where I am but I would love to be home with DS until he goes to school.

LucyPevensie · June 2011

I am not sure if we could afford to stay in our home (3 bedroom, 1.5 bath 1500 square feet so not some palace by any stretch) if I didn't. We could maybe squeak by. Maybe. But it would be ugly and stressful - and - probably would not work and so then we'd have to move and THAT would also be ugly and stressful.

My job is pretty flexible when I need it to be - and I work 4 days a week. I am lucky in many respects.

I have always wanted to be a SAHM - but I don't want to pinch every penny 'til it bleeds to do so. Maybe if I was married to someone different, I could make that work, I don't know. My husband does not handle stress well and can be a real diick - so it's not like he'd be sunny and optimistic and seeing the brighter side while we struggled. He'd be more likely to be making snide comments about how if I was working, we'd be in better shape. Just the way it is, and I'm well aware of it.

I work with some good friends, have some laughs at work, and VERY occasionally get to work on something I actually care about. Although usually I'm more likely to just be putting in my time and getting it done. I'm good at what I do, and it's not difficult for me.

I would have liked to be a SAHM of 2 or even 3 kids. Just not in the cards for me.

KellyOsu23 · June 2011

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you always imagined.

Everyones dreams are difference, but if you are not living the life you imagined only you can change that

MsAMG · June 2011

This is definitely me! DH works for himself and we might be able to make it on one salary, but there's no way we could afford the insurance and things. While I have a "good" job and I work with good people, it's only the insurance and retirement that keeps me here. It's completely unfulfilling, but the benefits are outstanding - best in the area by far. I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but we just can't make it happen.

leslie&brian · June 2011

I work because I have to. I really do love my job, and ideally I would want to work PT. I think it would be great if I could work only 3 days a week, but it's just not feasible right now. I have to work FT or else our bills wouldn't get paid.

muppet.fan · June 2011

I work because I have to. We are a dual-income family by necessity.

I like my job, but I'd rather be home with Elizabeth. Or, like you, doing something I absolutely love. It's actually harder to leave her now than it was when she was an infant.

I think ideally, I'd love to work 2-3 days a week and be home the others. But it's hard to find those types of jobs that still pay well. Sigh.

sweetpea18 · June 2011

I'm the bread winner and carry the benefits. We would be living in a cardboard box if we tried living off of dh's income. I like my job, but I don't love it like I did before kids. In a perfect world, I would work as needed, a few days a week and be home the others.

Amy720 · June 2011

I work because I have too. It does help though that I'm a teacher so I have a lot of holidays and my mom and DH stay with Ben. I make twice as much as DH because I have 2 post graduate degrees.

EverAfterinMi · June 2011

That would be me too. Although, my situation is a bit different. I hear you on the job. I don't hate my job. I actually finally have a job I at least 50% enjoy and I love the people. I am happy with my management and company for the first time in a looong time. But, am I doing something I love? Oh hell no. That will escape me in this lifetime!

I would kill to stay home wtih my boys and we could afford for me not to work but there would be some big changes. First of all, I make more money. That may not always be the case, as my dh's job is on the fast rise right now. My dh grew up poor and not having anything. He does not want that for his kids and wants nothing to do with the lifestyle change that would happen if I quit. and I have to admit, for me to really feel ok with quitting, and adjusting our life, his salary would have to increase 50%. I know that might sound awful, but in this economy and in Michigan, I would really be stupid to quit my job.

So work it is. I will continue on with my massive working mommy guilt and try to justify it with the fact that they will have their college paid for should they choose to go and will never want for anything if things remain as they are and both of us continue working. sigh..

nicolita14w · June 2011

I am in a very similar situation to you. Although I do enjoy my job and I wouldn't want to give it up forever, I wish desperately that I could be a SAHM for at least a few years. However, there's no way we could afford it.

ETA: Since I work on an academic year schedule, I am a SAHM in the summers. This has both shown me how very difficult it is and also convinced me that it's what I really wish I could be doing year-round.

ela81 · June 2011

I would love nothing more than to stay home with Isabel. I was lucky enough to stay home for her first 8 months but, man we were hurting by the time I went back to work. We are working very hard to get things were I can at least go part time. Right now at the end of 2 weeks (b/c of our rotating schedule we go by 2 weeks not 1) I have worked about 86 not counting drive time.

I sit at work and think about Isabel pretty much all day.

laura1 · June 2011

I work because I have to, although I like my job and would do it even if I didn't have to. Basically, I owe SO much in student loan debt, I need to work to pay it back. I work part time, though so I kind of get the best of both worlds.

I also make more money than my DH does (thanks to my advanced degrees that cost so much!), so we would have a significantly different life if I didn't work, even without having to pay off my loans. We live in a very high COL area, and we definitely wouldn't be able to afford our 4bd 2bath cape if we didn't both work.

kimarino13 · June 2011

I work because I have to. Sort of.

I actually like what I do. I like my boss and coworkers. I like the challenge and adult interaction. I like being appreciated and valued. I am very lucky.

BUT, I wish I could work part time. #1 we can't afford that (HCOL area) and #2 I like that my full-time salary allows us to save for college and afford vacations, etc.

Yes, I would love to stay at home (part time) but it just isn't feasible living here in San Diego.

jenwill · June 2011

GypsyEsq:
I work outside the home because I have to. DH is a SAHD, but not because he could have a job that would support us and chooses to stay home. He's an artist and has never really made enough to support us. Could he get a job? Sure. He could. But it doesn't make sense for us so I work. But I can't choose to stay home and have him go to work -- and for us to keep our house.

I'm in the same position. I have to work-I carry the benefits and pay the bills. DH is a photographer (self employed), so he's a SAHD. He'll work with his business here and there, and has another side job but we make it work around my schedule. I love my job and I don't think I could be a SAHM (sounds horrible but I just know I need that adult interaction). Now if I could work part-time so I spend more time with DD that would be ideal! Oh well I'll keep dreaming!

sommerrayne · June 2011

KellyOsu23:

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you always imagined.

Everyones dreams are difference, but if you are not living the life you imagined only you can change that

I don't mean to be a b!tch but I don't think this is useful in this conversation. Sometimes its NOT changeable. We don't live in a fairy floss and puppy dog world. "Changing it" just isn't realistic a lot of the time. ESPECIALLY given our country's economic climate, housing market and artificial inflation due to the dollar's weakening status.

I don't work outside the home but I, too, give up a LOT to stay home. We have no family life, I'm very lonely a lot of the time, despite my husband's job offering paid vacation we can't utilize it because his wage doesn't allow us to go anywhere, we are paycheck-to-paycheck just like the next Joe and we're in a GOOD position comparatively (and I know it, count our blessings, and don't take it for granted as I've been on the laid off end too, just recently!)

"Change it"? That's a fanciful and fantasy statement. "Move towards your dreams" - yes, I agree but sometimes dreams have to include reality.

Maybe I'm a realist to a fault but our society's mantra of "you can be/do anything you want to be/do" is so unrealistic. We teach our kids this generation after generation and we end up with a lot of disappointed, disenchanged, "disenfranchised" feeling (because the power was false to a degree to begin with) adults.

Move towards realistic goals. Work on setting achieveable milestones. Work within the constructs of reality.

Courted · June 2011

I work because I have to. After all these IVF cycles and other things, we have too much debt for me not to work. I worked PT when Nico was just born but we had a hard time making it month to month. I don't really like my job, but I don't hate it either, which I guess it good. I just get sick of the BS and doing the same thing over and over (IQ testing and writing reports). Now that Nico is older, I am glad I work, because I really like him in Preschool. It is so good for him and I would not be able to give that to him if we were at home. I think if you are compltely comfortable with where Cal is and what is doing while you are at work it would give you peace. Maybe you could look into some type of early preschool for next year?

preheatedoven · June 2011

sommerrayne:
KellyOsu23:

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you always imagined.

Everyones dreams are difference, but if you are not living the life you imagined only you can change that

I don't mean to be a b!tch but I don't think this is useful in this conversation. Sometimes its NOT changeable. We don't live in a fairy floss and puppy dog world. "Changing it" just isn't realistic a lot of the time. ESPECIALLY given our country's economic climate, housing market and artificial inflation due to the dollar's weakening status.

Thank you for saying this, I didn't have the guts too, I'm just too anti-conflict:)

No matter how much effort I put into it, there is nothing I can do that would allow me to be home with my kids right now. My DH lost his job last summer. He's interviewed for dozens of jobs, been the runner up for at least 8 positions, but he has gotten no offers. It's not for lack of trying, the economy here sucks.

We have a mortgage, an IVF loan, students loans, and two toddlers to provide for. We don't have CC debt, we don't live frivolously. I carry the insurance, and it is good insurance. Sure, I could quit and force DH to take a few mediocre jobs that might pay our bills, or worse, have him take anything and then apply for public assistance, but the only thing that would accomplish is my selfish goal of being home, but how kind of security would that be for our kids?

So, as hard as it is right now, I know that me sacrificing my dream of being home with them is the best thing I can do for them. Hopefully at some point things will change, but until then, telling me to "live the life you always imagined" makes me feel like shait.

dulcinea03 · June 2011

preheatedoven:

I am right there with you. And to complicate things, my DH gets to stay home b/c he lost his job. We are having some marriage issues b/c of the resentment I feel that he gets to have the experience I desperately want.

I have a friend who stays home and makes comments all the time about how if I really wanted it, I could make it happen. It leaves me very angry and feeling judged b/c honestly, there is nothing I can do to change our current situation:(

This is us, exactly. DH was laid off 5 days before the girls were born, and the plan for me to not go back to work got tossed out the window. DH has been a SAHD and graduated with his degree last month, and is having no job bites. We're also dealing with a whole lot of resentment issues and there is nothing that can be done to change it until he finds a job. I'm hoping that he'll find something that will allow me to stay home, but as I have excellent insurance benefits, that may be a pipe dream.

Mom2Reese · June 2011

I do! It's a an awful shame that because of IF bills that I have to work. I only work 2 1/2 days a week but that's 2 1/2 days too many. I long to stay home full time - that's where my heart is. One day hopefully I will get that privilege.

AuburnBride06 · June 2011

I think "has to" has different definitions/means different things. Could we get by w/o my salary? Probably but it would completely suck and we would have an incredible amount of stress. It just wouldnt be worth it. We aren't happy having to clip coupons and never getting to do anything. We would have to sell our house or at least down grade. We would have to get rid of the SUV. We want to be able to give DS the best future possible. We don't want him to have student loan payments like we have. We want vacations, a nice house and never want to have to tell him no to little league or anying else. So I have to work to ensure this. We have friends with 2 boys who rely heavily on their parents for financial support. On their dime, they are building their dream home in the same neighborhood that we want to move into if we can get this house sold. Our friend told us he admires us and is proud of us for being able to do it on our own. That made us feel good. Wouldn't happen if I didn't work. Also I can't, in good conscience, have this degree and student loans and not work. I don't see the point. So, bc of all this, I have to work. DS does great at Day care. He thrives. Hes perfectly fine. Yes I miss him and wish money grew on trees so I can spend more time with him, but it is what it is. he is much better off this way.

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