How do you know when you are done having kids?

cooperme2871 · June 2011

If you are done, how did you "know" you were done? If it was by choice (not IF or anything), how did you and DH decide not to have anymore? DH only wants two and I find myself going between two and three total. I really want a sibling for Lily, but am not sure I will feel "done" having kids after having another one. What made you decide you were done?

Klmorgan83 · June 2011

If you figure it out let me know!

We're really struggling with this right now. DH is 100% sure that he doesn't want anymore. With his job he some nights get little to no sleep (FF/paramedic) So there are days he comes home from a 24 hour shift of no sleep to two kids while I head out the door to work. It's not every day, but it's enough that he's exhausted all the time. On top of that finances and space in our house are his reasons for not wanting more.

I'm 90% sure I'm done (for the same financial and space reasons) but I'm having a hard time committing to being done. I don't necessarily have a desire to have more (I'm not looking to try for a girl) but it's hard to know I'll never be pregnant again or get to experience it again. I enjoyed being pregnant for the most part, so it's hard to know you won't go through it again. But on the other hand it took us one loss and seeing an RE to get pregnant with Levi and I'm not sure I can go through with that again. I also had a spinal headache after my epidural with Levi and I am terrified that it would happen again.

DH is ready to make our birth control permanent right now, but he's agreed to waiting at least a year if not more. I want us to get past the exhausting newborn and terrible two phases that we are in right now before we make any final decisions.

johnandkristin · June 2011

I don't have an answer for you, but I've been wondering the same thing lately. We have 3 beautiful, healthy, happy children right now. We talked about wanting 4-5 if we were blessed to do so, but right now the thought of having another one is overwhelming.

Missbollinger · June 2011

We're not done, despite DH's protests. We agreed to wait 2 more years and if it happens it happens. I'm not sure when we will be 'done'.

JLPT830 · June 2011

DH would be ok with us being done, but right now I'm not. Even on the worst days (like today) I just look at my baby girl and can't fathom never being pregnant or having a bitty baby ever again. But at the same time I see where DH is coming from. For our financial goals we should be done and it would be nice for some of our other "plans" to be getting out of the baby stage.....but I'm not ready to say we're done. So if you find out the magic answer let me know!

doodlebug914 · June 2011

Neither of us have any desire to have more than two. I grew up without a financially stable home, and I would prefer more stability and being able to be comfortable with two children. We had the discussion on if we would have 2 boys first, if we would try again for a third, but I really only wanted two kids. I am thankful that things have worked out how they have for our family.

teacherjess · June 2011

Eh, for us it's all about finances. It's very important to us that we be able to provide our children with at least some finances for college if they want to go to a public or private four-year college. We simply can't do that with four or five kids. I would love a full house of kids, but I think two will ultimately be it for us. Part of it is selfishness, as well-- I do not want to stop working, nor do I want to stop going to school (I'm working on my grad degree now and will go for further licensure after that). I can't do those things if I have more than one in daycare at a time, which is partly why we are waiting for another.

However, I don't think we'll do anything permanent until DH is 40 or so...in ten years. I'm not 100% ready to say we're done after the next one.

jerseygirl81 · June 2011

teacherjess:
Eh, for us it's all about finances. It's very important to us that we be able to provide our children with at least some finances for college if they want to go to a public or private four-year college. We simply can't do that with four or five kids. I would love a full house of kids, but I think two will ultimately be it for us. Part of it is selfishness, as well-- I do not want to stop working, nor do I want to stop going to school (I'm working on my grad degree now and will go for further licensure after that). I can't do those things if I have more than one in daycare at a time, which is partly why we are waiting for another.

This is us, too. We definitely want to be able to put our kid(s) through college. I know that we wouldn't have more than two, but we haven't been able to commit to that second one, at all, yet. We also want to make sure that we're being financially responsible right now. I still have anxiety over C being self-employed, and daycare is freaking expensive. I'd like to wait until Charlie is out of daycare, but then again, I don't want so much of an age gap between my kids.

I'll be honest and say that there are many, many times when I want to be pregnant and have the second baby RIGHT FREAKING NOW, so badly that it hurts. But then I think about how badly we struggled growing up, and how money was always something that we talked about and worried about, and I don't want that experience for my own family.

If it doesn't happen in the next two years, we'll just be done at one. I hate to put it that way, but I keep thinking about the age gap, and do I really want to start over with the baby stage at that point? I just don't know.

teacherjess · June 2011

jerseygirl81:
This is us, too. We definitely want to be able to put our kid(s) through college. I know that we wouldn't have more than two, but we haven't been able to commit to that second one, at all, yet. We also want to make sure that we're being financially responsible right now. I still have anxiety over C being self-employed, and daycare is freaking expensive. I'd like to wait until Charlie is out of daycare, but then again, I don't want so much of an age gap between my kids.
I'll be honest and say that there are many, many times when I want to be pregnant and have the second baby RIGHT FREAKING NOW, so badly that it hurts. But then I think about how badly we struggled growing up, and how money was always something that we talked about and worried about, and I don't want that experience for my own family.
If it doesn't happen in the next two years, we'll just be done at one. I hate to put it that way, but I keep thinking about the age gap, and do I really want to start over with the baby stage at that point? I just don't know.

Jersey, I think you and I are at the same stage. We financially can't swing having another until Leah is out of FT daycare, but that means an age gap of 5 years, and to be honest, I just don't know that I can go and start all over after 5 years some days. I feel a lot of relief when Leah passes the difficult stages-- learning to STTN, potty training, getting through teething-- I sometimes wonder if it's the right decision to go back and start all over with that in a few years. But I also hate the thought of of never being pregnant again, never holding a baby I just had again, etc. Our plan is to TTC next summer. If it doesn't go according to plan or it takes us a long time, we may scrap it and just stick with Leah. I go back and forth on this every day.

jerseygirl81 · June 2011

teacherjess:
Jersey, I think you and I are at the same stage. We financially can't swing having another until Leah is out of FT daycare, but that means an age gap of 5 years, and to be honest, I just don't know that I can go and start all over after 5 years some days. I feel a lot of relief when Leah passes the difficult stages-- learning to STTN, potty training, getting through teething-- I sometimes wonder if it's the right decision to go back and start all over with that in a few years. But I also hate the thought of of never being pregnant again, never holding a baby I just had again, etc. Our plan is to TTC next summer. If it doesn't go according to plan or it takes us a long time, we may scrap it and just stick with Leah. I go back and forth on this every day.

You're reading my mind, I swear. I'm tearing up just thinking about not having another one, but some days it just seems like that's the way it's going to be.

kel716 · June 2011

A year ago, my sentiments were very similar to jersey & teacherjess. But, having a little baby to snuggle is panging at me. While we're not into full TTC mode yet, it's coming...

That said, I'm near certain that we'll be done after baby #2 comes around. I'll probably still have an IUD placed to buy us a few years to make sure we're done. For many of the same reasons having #2 scares me, having #3 or 4 scares me more. Only time will tell and I don't think you ever completely know when you're done... and every family is different and it's a personal decision. Sometimes it'll be health reasons, other times financial, other times logistical (not enough space, etc...), and other times just what the parents decide they can manage. Only you and your dh can make that decision... but if you're trying to decide, you could have an IUD placed to buy you some time and make the decision later.

identicaltwins2be · June 2011

jerseygirl81:
teacherjess:

Jersey, I think you and I are at the same stage. We financially can't swing having another until Leah is out of FT daycare, but that means an age gap of 5 years, and to be honest, I just don't know that I can go and start all over after 5 years some days. I feel a lot of relief when Leah passes the difficult stages-- learning to STTN, potty training, getting through teething-- I sometimes wonder if it's the right decision to go back and start all over with that in a few years. But I also hate the thought of of never being pregnant again, never holding a baby I just had again, etc. Our plan is to TTC next summer. If it doesn't go according to plan or it takes us a long time, we may scrap it and just stick with Leah. I go back and forth on this every day.

You're reading my mind, I swear. I'm tearing up just thinking about not having another one, but some days it just seems like that's the way it's going to be.

There is a very large age difference in our kids. DD is going to be 10 next month and the boys just turned 16 months. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world! The age gap can be interesting to say the least but I really don't know how parents of toddlers have a baby. I might just die if I had to chase around a toddler (or two) while pregnant or with a newborn. DD is great with her brothers and understands that sometimes we need to focus on the boys. But we always make it a point to get her out without her brothers but with one or both of us parents.

With all that being said, we are totally done having kids. I always thought we would have 4 but since we got 2 in one shot we figured 3 was our perfect number. I can't image having another baby after having the twins. We went into delivery hoping to be able to have a vaginal delivery and that DH would get "snipped" if it worked out that way. I also told my doc if I had to have a c-section I wanted him to tie my tubes while he was in there. We ended up with an emergency c-section and my tubes were tied. I get sad sometimes knowing that we won't go down that road again but then I remember that I didn't sleep for 13 months and realize that I don't want to be "there" again Stick out tongue We have the best of both worlds and really enjoy all the big kid things we get to do with DD but also like the baby/toddler time with the boys. Finances played a big role in our decision as well.

jerseygirl81 · June 2011

identicaltwins2be:
There is a very large age difference in our kids. DD is going to be 10 next month and the boys just turned 16 months. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world! The age gap can be interesting to say the least but I really don't know how parents of toddlers have a baby. I might just die if I had to chase around a toddler (or two) while pregnant or with a newborn. DD is great with her brothers and understands that sometimes we need to focus on the boys. But we always make it a point to get her out without her brothers but with one or both of us parents.

I didn't mean to suggest that there's anything inherently wrong with a large age gap - C and his brother are 7 years apart. I just don't think I'd want to take that many steps back to the baby stage. Like teacherjess said, every independence milestone is bittersweet, because they're getting older, but it's so nice to be able to go out for the day without diapers, or be able to let them play independently so you can cook dinner, blah blah blah. At some point I know I'll just get to where I don't want to go back to dirty diapers and crying all night, etc.

identicaltwins2be · June 2011

jerseygirl81:
identicaltwins2be:

There is a very large age difference in our kids. DD is going to be 10 next month and the boys just turned 16 months. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world! The age gap can be interesting to say the least but I really don't know how parents of toddlers have a baby. I might just die if I had to chase around a toddler (or two) while pregnant or with a newborn. DD is great with her brothers and understands that sometimes we need to focus on the boys. But we always make it a point to get her out without her brothers but with one or both of us parents.

I didn't mean to suggest that there's anything inherently wrong with a large age gap - C and his brother are 7 years apart. I just don't think I'd want to take that many steps back to the baby stage. Like teacherjess said, every independence milestone is bittersweet, because they're getting older, but it's so nice to be able to go out for the day without diapers, or be able to let them play independently so you can cook dinner, blah blah blah. At some point I know I'll just get to where I don't want to go back to dirty diapers and crying all night, etc.

I didn't take it that way at all!! I just wanted to throw out my perspective as a parent of children who are 9 years apart. When the boys were born, I had forgotten about a lot of the things that go with babies - teething, potty training (not there yet), sleepless nights, etc. It sucks sometimes but I know it will pass and before I know it the boys will be DDs age and I will wonder where in the world the time has gone.

Superchicy · June 2011

jerseygirl81:
teacherjess:
Eh, for us it's all about finances. It's very important to us that we be able to provide our children with at least some finances for college if they want to go to a public or private four-year college. We simply can't do that with four or five kids. I would love a full house of kids, but I think two will ultimately be it for us. Part of it is selfishness, as well-- I do not want to stop working, nor do I want to stop going to school (I'm working on my grad degree now and will go for further licensure after that). I can't do those things if I have more than one in daycare at a time, which is partly why we are waiting for another.

This is us, too. We definitely want to be able to put our kid(s) through college. I know that we wouldn't have more than two, but we haven't been able to commit to that second one, at all, yet. We also want to make sure that we're being financially responsible right now. I still have anxiety over C being self-employed, and daycare is freaking expensive. I'd like to wait until Charlie is out of daycare, but then again, I don't want so much of an age gap between my kids.
I'll be honest and say that there are many, many times when I want to be pregnant and have the second baby RIGHT FREAKING NOW, so badly that it hurts. But then I think about how badly we struggled growing up, and how money was always something that we talked about and worried about, and I don't want that experience for my own family.
If it doesn't happen in the next two years, we'll just be done at one. I hate to put it that way, but I keep thinking about the age gap, and do I really want to start over with the baby stage at that point? I just don't know.

This is us exactly. I always imagined having 3 more children, but financially we are not in a position to have even a second one yet, and DD just started sleeping and I'm not ready to give that up again right now. I really really want a sibling for DD though. DH thinks he is one and done, and he and his brother are not at all close so he doesn't understand the relationship I have with my sister and wanting that for DD. If we don't decide though to have another one before DD is 5 we will probably not have any more, even though it kills me to say that.

segerama · June 2011

I would have 3-4 if I didn't feel the need to be responsible. My husband and I both have good jobs, but daycare eats a huge chunk of our income. In order to have a second child in the near future, we would have to make some sacrifices (no new cars, no pool, zoo, or gym memberships, no date nights or eating out, no vacations, etc.) I am not sure if we are willing to give up these comforts. I think the stress of working with two kids with little disposable income would put my husband and I both over the edge.

Want a personalized experience?

How do you know when you are done having kids?

Re: How do you know when you are done having kids?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards