NBR need some help ladies (a novel)

Serruhhx2 · June 2011

I posted a few times in 3rd tri about my issues with MH, and was repeatedly told he's a d-bag. True that, true that. And he's at it again.

We have to move out of the house we rent because there is a new couple (friends of ours) moving in July 1. We looked for other houses to rent but they all have outrageous pet deposits and we have 2 German Shepherds. We just don't have the money saved to rent, and can't currently buy a house. So... H says to move (back) to his mom's house to save up some money, and build credit and buy a house at the beginning of next year. Sounds ok right? If only you knew my IL's and the bond H has with them. His family is TOP priority, over me and the girls. He won't admit that, but it's very clear. They are Hispanic, and I guess Hispanics are very family oriented which I have no problem with. But.. aren't the girls and I also his family? I would assume. But no because he'll drop us for his mom and sisters at any moment with little to no notice. He's done it repeatedly over the past however long we've been together. I wouldn't be so bitter if his family wasn't so damn rude to me. They act like I don't know how to raise my kids. DD1 isn't biologically MH's, but he's raised her.. but now that DD2, who is his, is around they think she is also their baby. And to him, their opinions are more important than mine. Regarding MY child. And they like to make petty little comments about "oh, she doesn't have enough clothes on" or "you really shouldn't hold her while she's sleeping" or "she's too used to being around you, you should leave her with me for a while". F you. Seriously. The worst is his sister who is barely 18 fresh out of high school, no children, thinking she knows more about my kids than I do. My biggest pet peeve is people telling other people how to parent, especially without their opinion being asked. I can't stand it. Not to mention this sister is a total mooch and doesn't work and relies on MH and her bf to give her money all the time. These people have it out for me, I don't know if it's because their son/brother didn't marry a Hispanic girl or what but they're constantly calling me rude and stupid for not knowing Spanish, and are just always nitpicking me. I know I'm not the only one with crazy IL's, but H defends them and agrees with them while I'm left in the dust. I'm really fed up, and do NOT want to live there with them.

My mom lives 1.5 hours away. I moved to my current city from there when I got married. I want to go back, really badly. More than I can express, I want to go. H has a good job working for the city, but only gets 10 hours/week. But it is a good job and he doesn't want to leave. He says he will go with me, but follows it with a million reasons why he doesn't want to go. I don't know how I can be happy staying here anymore. I don't want to be the reason my marriage fails by leaving if he doesn't follow. I want to do what's best for my kids, but I don't know what that is at this point. I don't want to take them from their father, but at the same time I don't want them in the ultimate stress that would come from living with his family.

I need some advice. What do you guys think?

elisbu · June 2011

Go to your moms house. For 10 hours a week he can make the 1.5 drive.

My DH did it every weekday for a year to finish up his degree.

Edit: I would also try to find a good home for the dogs. Even if it takes time. With no place to live, two little girls, and marriage problems they probably aren't getting the attention they need and seem to be adding to the stress.

QTee · June 2011

If your ILs are willing to have all of you live there, are they willing to just let the dogs live there? Obviously you could still see them. Then you could rent somewhere? Although it would be great to try and buy a house, it sounds like having a place of your own now is a higher priority! Living with either set of parents would probably increase stress.

ksales31 · June 2011

Have you tried asking the people with rentals if they are willing to work with you on the pet deposit. Like break it up into payments? That's what we did with our pet deposit because we ran into a financial hardship right when we had to move. Most of the people and property management companies in our area were more than willing to let us break up the pet deposit into a few payments. We have 2 dogs and the deposit was $200 per dog. They just wrote into our contract when the full pet deposit would be paid by and we signed. So you could always try that first.

Living with either set of parents would end up being a bad idea no matter how well you got along with them. You two need to be concentrating on your family. Which now your immediate family is you, your DH and 2 daughters. Your DH needs to understand that when you get married and have kids you are starting your own family.

Serruhhx2 · June 2011

That is something neither he nor the rest of his family understand. And that's why I'm frustrated and just want away from it.

amahrey · June 2011

elisbu:
Go to your moms house. For 10 hours a week he can make the 1.5 drive.

My DH did it every weekday for a year to finish up his degree.

Edit: I would also try to find a good home for the dogs. Even if it takes time. With no place to live, two little girls, and marriage problems they probably aren't getting the attention they need and seem to be adding to the stress.

i second all of this. dh used to commute 1 hour plus 5 days a week for classes or work when we lived outside of boston. plus, it may be the needed incentive to get it all together. living at his family's house might be to comfortable for him and you don't want to get sucked into it longterm.

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