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DavezWife
member
"She's Shy"
DavezWife
member
So both Davez and Ava are quite timid when 1st approached. The "hide behind mom's apron" type of bashfulness. Davez has worked on it over the years, and I work a LOT with Ava in subtle and gentle ways... we do our grocery shopping during Senior Day, dressed in a tutu, etc. to practice her Social Graces, etc. and I gently encourage her to at least greet, thank, etc. in a "nice loud voice so they can hear you."
Both seem to warm up quickly and then do just fine with strangers.
My stupid brother came into town to see our dad, and Ava doesn't know him. She was diving into my lap/shoulder, and wanted NOTHING to do with him. (smart kid, snort) He says "Oh, Ava, are you SSSSHHHHHYYYYYYY?????" to which I quietly said "we don't use that word. she just needs a minute."
To which HE said "Oh I didn't know there was a pre-approved list of words to use, sorry." (twatwaffle) and I just said "we're just trying not to label her. No biggie." and left it alone.
I guess I'm wondering
a) do's and don't's to make my toddler more comfortable with "getting out there" ?
b) is labeling her "shy" negative? I'm trying to avoid it....
c) why did I use 1000 quotes in this post. lol.
thanks ladies.
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Re: "She's Shy"
After 2 rounds of IVF & 2 rounds of FET, we were blessed with identical twin girls!
I can very much relate.
I think you're doing a great job of letting her practice! You're making her more comfortable in the setting and giving her opportunities to test it out.
I don't think it's a negative label, but it's a label nonetheless, and I totally get not wanting her to start seeing herself that way. Mama doesn't want a self-fulfilling prophecy...especially when mama ain't shy.
No clue about the quotes. I hereby label you quote-user. (Will she start using more quotes now? Stay tuned....)
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
a) I think you're doing a great job and putting a lot of thought and consideration into it. I don't really have any other suggestions besides not being too forceful (which you aren't).
b) I think trying to avoid it is good, but you won't really be able to keep others from using it.
c) IDK but that was a lot of quotes LOL : )
For holiday weekends my family has a big farm (1500+acres) where we all go swim/fish hang out. My cousins daughter was so shy the last few years she wouldn't really leave her mom's side. There are about 10-12 kids mostly her age (all her cousins). This year she's 4 and I couldn't believe the change, she was really like a different kid. Running, playing, talking to the adults (which she would never have done before). So although all kids don't "grow out of it", some do, and I know my cousin wasn't trying to encourage her to "get out there more"
TTC #2 with PCOS since September 2009
BFP, Femara 7.5mg, Ovidrel, IUI. Beta #1 17dpIUI -495 Beta #2 19dpIUI-1031
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a) I think you are doing great. She is a smart, well adjusted girl...if she feels aprehensive, that isn't always a bad thing. I *thing* giving her space and helping her learn to trust her instincts is a good thing.
b) never thought about the shy label, but wow! I think I was labeled shy as a kid and I think that really helped reinforce it (I'm a serious extrovert but still actually a bit shy). I think I may see it as a negative. It makes it seem like there is no good reason to be apprehensive about new people and new situations and that there is something wrong with the person's judgement. I am really surprised that I have never thought of this before (btw my brother, whom I actually LOVE, would say the same thing about the list of approved words, he thinks I'm the most neurotic tree hugger in the world)
c) I'm a bit of a quote whore myself, not sure why....
By the way, if it usually takes her just a few minutes to come out from hiding, I wouldn't even consider that to be shy, just healthy skepticism.
Once all looks safe, she seems fine, right?!
Members of my family have said the exact same, "I didn't know there was a list of approved words" mumbo jumbo. Pisses me off. Common sense and respect, folks!!!
Our Thanksgiving Day baby 11/22/07
Pregnant with #2 with LPD, uterine polyp/hysteroscopy, DOR (AMH = 0.17), 2 c/ps
Our early Christmas present 12/9/10
Dez, the judgement thing... Davez comes from growing up in the country, on a farm. When people came, it was a HUGE "OMG! what do they want??!" thing. He says that's where his apprehension comes from. Ava is just the apple next to that tree.
I just don't want to push her too much, for she's also my daughter, and that makes her un-pushable. lol.
I don't see a problem with it.
We just say "yep, she's a little shy at first...but then she'll talk your ear off if you give her a few minutes". My DH can be shy at first too...we don't think of it as a big deal.
wait, we're not supposed to be saying we're proud of our kids? WTF.
I've seen numerous posts on the AP board from folks that make a point not to say "I'm proud of you" because it teaches them to derive value/worth from other people/external sources when they should be learning to find worth and value from within. Apparently you're supposed to say "Aren't you proud of yourself" or something. I'm usually a pretty touchy-feely/positive message kind of parent but I just can't get on board with this one. The whole thing gives me a headache and I don't have the energy to censor every word I say to my child to this degree.
I don't think being wary of new people/situations makes a child shy... I would say that's normal. When my brother came for a visit after DD hadn't seen him in 5 months, she wouldn't even look at him. She is far from being a shy child!! She warmed up to him and only wanted to be with him for the rest of his visit.
I was a painfully shy child... I didn't warm up to people/situations (it drove my mom crazy). Luckily my social skills are much improved now, although I still need time to get to know people before I'm totally myself.
As for the label, I kind of disagree that it's not a negative thing... I don't think labeling a child as shy in general is harmful, but I know when I was younger, when I was burying myself in my mom's leg, if someone mentioned the word "shy" to refer to me, it made things worse. Ava's a pretty smart kid, so I can see why you try and avoid this word.
I'm not shy. Ha. As if. DH can be, and DS occassionally is not quick to warm up to people. I like to think of it as discriminating.
Once he decides he likes you, watch out, that kid turns on all his charm, especially now that he can chat up the ladies. Before that he just winked, and flashed his dimples and crawled in their laps. No joke.
But in regards to other people and their opinions, I say pick battles. My family were jerks to us when I was really struggling with DS and his complete lack of speech. And they should have known better. They each had kids at the same freaking time that were so similar in age it made his complete lack of verbal expression striking. It kicked my ass. Not in a "your kid is better than my kid way," but in a "oh ***, that's what normal development looks like." And instead of seeing what was plain as day and having empathy or compassion or offering support or asking questions, they mocked. No joke. Like, after spending hours around him, knowing my concerns, one would say, "so little guy, can you say cake?" Mofo, he doesn't even say mama!
So l redirected adults for christs sake and then avoided as much as possible until that issue passed. Adults can be jerks.
For your issue, I would specifically tell people she is cautious with people she doesn't know. Don't push her to be "nice" or otherwise engage unless you feel like she's really really struggling. You want and need her to set that boundary where it works for her and to trust herself with this going forward.
word. I"ve never said anything "bad" about him, but she still knew. lol.